Tag Archive | truth

Minute by Minute

What!?! Today was one of those days. You know the kind of day I am talking about. Everyone you talk to or run into is in a mood. C’mon people Monday happens every week. By now you should know what to expect but somehow some of you are still surprised by what you have left over or left undone from Friday. No need to be grumpy! That is why we have Tuesdays!

I had my own pile of craptastic things to deal with today not to mention I forgot how HANGRY I can get when I am trying to make my next “first” week back the most amazing week ever! All day today I was entertaining the feed thoughts. Someone would comment on the time, I would be thinking, “I need something crunchy and salty”. I was at a meeting I swear I could smell roasted chicken. Thoughts of stuffing my face just as soon as I walked into the house from work. No I didn’t, I had coffee. Yeah, disappointed too but I promised myself I would get back to me and so I am struggling but I am TRYING to do better and that has to count for something…I don’t know? maybe a cookie? No I am just joking.

Getting back into the swing of things sometimes means minute by minute conversations with myself about my whys. whyMy whys can change daily.  One thing remains constant my desire to do better for myself because I am worth the work.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Advertisements

Did You Miss Me?

I apologize. I missed my usual Friday night musings about me, myself and I. Our house break-in happened on the afternoon of October 6th. The complete nerve of that douchekabob who broke into my house and shattered my FALSE sense of security.  Lessons have been learned. My eating habits are a new kind of messed up. I have been crying with no true reason to connect to. This must be what post traumatic stress is kind of about. My “bad experience” was really on a mild level compared to others in the world who have had to live through hell.  Life rolls on even when we are not ready. My hat is off to the wounded in the world for getting up everyday and facing their reality.

I taught myself years ago to be a stress eater as a way of containing my emotions. How do I control anger? Numb it with ice cream. How do I control fear? Subdue it with hot and spicy whatever. How do I combat loneliness? Vast quantities of sweet :  cookies, pie, M&Ms, trail mix. I battle my sadness with writing and tears. I apologize but some of my best writing happens because I am SAD. I swear it is a funky type of sadness that follows me, haunts me, keeps me searching for the correct combination so I can own the key to self-acceptance. Why have I never learned to like myself? Why?

I have choices. I can continue on my current path(not a good idea), I can find the path I was on(Okay, but really needs some excitement), or I can forge a new path(winner, winner chicken dinner!). I stood in my bathroom for a long time tonight looking at my old self in the mirror. I deserve more than I give myself. I want more. I am tired of basing my self worth and my self esteem on my fucking dress size. I don’t even wear dresses!  More importantly why do I know so many other women who feel just like I do? I often have women tell me that they feel like I am inside their heads. How do I mirror how they feel? The more we think we are different from others around us the more we come to realize just how similar we are.

This is for the women in and around my life. You are worthy. You are loved. You are needed. You are everything wonderful to someone in your life and you might not even know it. Stop hiding who you are and what you want. Be kinder to yourself. Forgive yourself. You are stronger than you know. Embrace that little girl who lives in your soul. She holds all of your JOY.  Just BELIEVE! We all have the power to fly we just forget sometimes that we control the WINGS! You are beautiful!

Tonight I do. Actions not words. I can tell you that I am going to turn on the lights but if I don’t move from my chair I will still be sitting in the dark. I will do better for myself from this point on. I will return to the gym. I will return to WWs this Saturday. I will, actions not words.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

Once Upon a Time…

…in a place that is unfamiliar to most but home to others there lived a girl who wanted things. I was born into a family of five. Being third in line, I often found myself smack dab in the middle of “No Man’s Land”. A mythical place where whatever you do goes unnoticed and unappreciated because you weren’t first on the scene or the last one to arrive. I grew up feeling like a TV listing for Wednesday night viewing. Family shows with no real excitement or sex appeal. Meh!

This past week was not stellar for me. I haven’t had to deal with this much stress, uncertainty and anger since my Pops passed away. I guess it might have been time for Karma to shake her ugly stick at me as a way to remind me who exactly is the boss here.

I have been a wanter my whole life. I wanted to be loved; I am! I wanted to be noticed. Do you see me? I wanted to be famous. the jury is still out on this one. I wanted to be a person that others looked up to. I want happiness. = ) I want. I want. I want; but why? I am indeed loved. I am happy even when I fight myself about how happy I am supposed to be (as if happy comes with a formulary!) Does getting everything you want open the path to peace? or have I struggled this long because I have been too foolish to realize I have everything I have ever needed the entire time?

Knowing when to return to my true self has always been the toughest road for me to travel. I have many miles to go before I sleep. There are things left to do. I am leaving behind all the bad mojo that flooded over me after last week’s event. Bad shit happens to good people all the time. It’s what you do with the aftermath that determines where your path will lead.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be

ease on down the road

 

Girl Interrupted…

No, I don’t mean the book or the movie. I mean me; I got your attention didn’t I? The will to succeed needs to be stronger than the desire to give in. No more lamenting about the stray path I have been on. No more brow beating like Camille in a play. No more bullshit. My house, my refuge, my safe place where I am allowed to be; was broken into on Friday. I shouldn’t say my, my, my; but, it is the one place on earth I feel  felt safe. = (  My false sense of security has been violated and I am pissed about that.

Hubby and I had the day off from work and spent a lazy morning around our place. Around noon we decided that prescriptions needed to be picked up and errands needed to be run so we prepped for the afternoon and stepped out. When we returned to our house hubster made his way to the bathroom, as is his usual, he called me into the bedroom.” Did you leave the light on?” Our bathroom is across the hall from our bedroom.

“No, why?” and that’s when he noticed that our closet doors were open.

“I think we have been robbed. Call 911!” so I did.

Funny how a great day can turn bad so FAST. Let me just say for the record unless there is an injury or a death, your call, even though it was placed through 911, will be treated as something minor. They don’t want you to touch anything as it could ruin evidence, that they might take, if you are lucky. Priorities people! I placed a call at 2:15 pm and no one from law enforcement showed until way after 6 pm. My house was a wreck. My cat was entrenched under our bed. Over four hours, I am sure I touched stuff. In the end they only things that got taken were just that,things. My hubby and I are Okay. Our cat, Asshole, now has bigger trust issues, just wonderful! The contents of several rooms had been sifted through. The poor fuck up who crawled through our addition cut themselves and left blood in my kitchen and my office.

And for what? some pocket change.

Lessons learned. The locks have been dealt with. Security system in place. The world is a sad place. I refuse to be less than what I am. What did I get to take away from this experience? I will not go quietly. To whomever rummaged through my underwear drawer I hope the sight of my granny panties haunts you the rest of your days. What was seen can not be unseen. Sweet dreams LOSER! it burns

 

F

As in what the F, as in there are so many wonderful words and thoughts that start with F. Lately I have been feeling F’d up. I am not liking it too much. Sometimes I let my world get to me. My job, my marriage, my friends, my WWs program…suffer. I am what is “OFF” in each of these situations. I let my emotional baggage get in the way of a great time. I start doubting myself. I start questioning my values and then like little tin soldiers all of the areas of my life line up for me to knock down or find fault with.

I stopped paying attention. I stopped caring. I stopped wanting! I allowed myself to bend the rules {just this once I promise ; )} and well, we all know what happens when you walk away from a path without a map. You get LOST! I just want to know peace. I want to accept that the life I lead, is the life that I lead. I am enough. I am loved. I am wanted. I have friends. I know joy. I know I am needed. I know I am capable of being so much more if only I would allow myself to let go of the anger, hurt and disappointment I keep in the quiet recesses of my soul for when I am feeling vulnerable and afraid.

SO…I did a crazy thing yesterday, I bought a groupon to my local gym. I missed my WW meeting on Saturday so I could skip off to Gloucester, MA to do touristy things. I had a grand time with excellent company but let’s face it I need to climb back on this teeter-totter life of mine and drag myself kicking and screaming to my goal. There is no more TRY there is only DO. I am worth this journey. No one gets to the finish line of life without scars. I plan on (my life story) telling an amazing tale of how girl lost became woman found.

Stay tuned, watch for the changes, hang on! This ride sometimes gets bumpy and comes with unexpected curves. Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be, I’m not = )

Exercising should be interesting. Check back here for the injured reserve list and other interesting sports injuries I am sure will pop up. Tune in next week when I begin questioning my…

On Not Knowing What To Say

Have you ever found yourself in an awkward place or social event or family gathering when something happens and you find yourself at loss for words? It happens to me more times than I care to tell you but why start hiding things from you now? Sometimes I am awkward in person. Like a small puppy that hasn’t grown into her ears I trip over myself.  Once I say the wrong things, I tend to pile more wrong things on top until my anxiety takes over and I begin to slur my thoughts into an almost unintelligible speech pattern. I feel the heat rush to my face and I wish from the darkest reaches of my soul that the ground would open and cease my suffering.

There is nothing I can say to ever make you feel comfortable in your own skin. I can’t make you feel beautiful even though I may tell you how beautiful you are. I can not make you believe you have value if you don’t know your worth. It is very hard for me to tell people I care for them or have concerns for their well being. I have lost so many people I have loved. It is unfair of me to pin my fear of loss on you. So I stand there not knowing what to say because in truth my heart wants to cry out…NO! no more loss. I don’t want you to go. I want you to be better. There are days to fill with laughter and memories. There are people to love and jokes to tell. If I could ease your pain I would.

Tomorrow and the tomorrow after that are not guaranteed. Live your life. Sing that song. Make an ass out of yourself. Make sure people remember you for the right reasons. When I stumble trying to tell you how or why I feel the way I do, watch my body language. Maybe I am tripping over my own emotions or insecurities while trying to give the appearance of complete control. I want everyone in my life to know peace. I want you to know that you are loved, wanted and appreciated. I want you to know that some days it will rain but in time the sun does shine. If you are a part of my life it is because I WANT you there.

Sometimes I don’t know what to say. That’s why I write. Love the people in your life, they are here for that reason. Tell them how important they are to you. Stop with empty promises Give them something you value; a hug or a smile, a bouquet of flowers or do something unexpected for them.

 

Too pooped for Prose

Often I have sat on this side of my keyboard waxing poetic about the goings on in my life or the spinnings of my mind. I started on this writing journey with the thought that I could rediscover myself by sharing my soul with a close friend. I only ever intended to ride the bus not pick up the passengers but here we are. I try to write something new every Friday night. I write about whatever I find floating around in my grey matter. I post my finished musings onto my Facebook page and if I am lucky a few fellow bloggers happen upon my post or they find a keyword tag that sends them to my blog. Thanks for all the follows and good vibes.  ;  )

I guess what surprises me the most is how similar we all are. I have had more than one friend/follower/co-worker ask me or comment to me about how I seem to be able to “know” how they are feeling. Honestly I don’t; but, I know how I feel. I kept all those “feelings” to myself for years because I was afraid of being judged for being real. Well, guess what, too bad so sad, we all have stories to tell. Some are funny, some are poignant, some are just depressing. It’s all Okay. Any one who is truly in your life already knows the hot mess that you are and they choose to love you anyway so why not “love” yourself? Be in your moments, invite the neighbors, make new friends…

I have reached that magical time in my life where I finally feel like I have something to give to others. Turns out it is me. = ) Who knew? I sure in Hell didn’t for a really LONG time. It is a great time to be alive but only if you are willing to live a little, love a lot and forgive shit you can’t change or control.

I try to blog once a week. Last week I JUST wasn’t feeling it. I was tired, grumpy, and I hate to say it; I felt like the little old lady I am slowing turning into. While I was growing up I dreamt of being older, I never realized someday I WOULD BE! I guess you could say I’m living the dream!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !!!!