Lately I have been allowing myself to wallow in my sadness. I’ve kept warm with a side of self pity for good measure. I have come to a place where I have plateaued on my journey because of my actions. While I was busy contemplating my importance in the space time continuum, actually trying to decide if I wanted to keep trying or throw my hands up in faux despair and fail; I was saved. Yes, I said saved…by a set of bra hooks.
One of my best feel good moments is my sense of accomplishment. How wonderful to know the feeling of satisfaction over a job well done. Bras are the worst invention, torture for a gal with some fluff to her form. I have hated bras my whole breast laden adulthood. The other day as I was getting myself dressed for work it dawned on me. I LIKE my bras! Not for their supporting role in my life (pun intended) but because for the first time in my womanhood they fit. Not last set of hooks before I have to size up FIT but third set in I have to go be fitted for a smaller bra FIT. THAT FIT! They fit because I made a choice to start taking better care of myself. I felt a sense of pride in myself and a flash of happiness I haven’t experienced in quite some time. My journey is not over. I have accomplished a lot in a year. I feel more alive, more beautiful than I ever have. I have more work to do. I am willing to put in the work. I want to keep doing the right things for my health.
When I walked back into WWS last February my bras were stretched to their limit. You know what happens when you try to squeeze ten pounds of mud into a five pound sack? Back bulge, side ooze, unicleavage. All embarrassing, all uncomfortable but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make to keep the façade hidden. I didn’t want anyone to know how tight I felt in my own skin. So I lied to myself to keep the anger and depression from taking control of my life. I lost that battle over and over. Why do I keep making the same mistakes? Because I haven’t learned enough from them yet. Truth is a double edge weapon; it sets you free but leaves a wound that only time and love can cure.
I have always been girl lost. I try everyday to become woman found. It is not an easy job. I am worth the best version of myself. The sadness I am trying to work through is a temporary thing. The sun will shine another day. I will welcome its beauty again with open arms to enjoy the warmth on my soul. When I am struggling to make it to the end of a tough day I will remember that once upon a time a set of bra hooks set my efforts on a new path. I am worth the struggle.
Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant to Be = )
As I stood in line waiting to head for lunch today an elderly woman behind me tugged at my shirt. I guess to neaten up my appearance but she nearly caused my pants to meet my ankles, without my permission! I turned to smile at her, hiked up my pants and wondered to myself whether or not I should try on some new outfits = )
Yup this is me; who I have become, a tweener. I thought being a tween was an age thing. I have come to learn it’s also the feeling of frustration in the weighting zone. I am stuck BETWEEN sizes. Soon the clothes that have been living in my closet and not on me will fit once again. I am happy but I am fighting with myself over my rising impatience. Nothing that is worth having ever comes at an easy price. The sad thing about instant gratification is that the exuberant feeling of ultimate happiness lasts just a little bit less each time. People chase happiness. Instead of enjoying the moment we are in, we tend to chase after yet another beam of sunshine as if there isn’t enough sun at the beach we call life.
Truth be told I slowly became overweight. It has taken me the greater part of my life to become the hot mess I was. I don’t ever recall saying to myself, “damn it sure is taking me a long time to get heavy!” so why do I worrying about getting less fat? It is hard not to crawl into the negativity blanket my mind has woven for me. Rolled tightly into a ball in the corner it feels so warm and inviting, but I know the truths that lie there. Ugly, mean rumors and lies that I allow my psyche to feed me. I alone erode my self confidence. Having a little confidence in the power of you is a good thing. It’s that little voice inside your head that says, ” you can do this! keep going, never give up!” Confidence gives you the strength you need when you think you can’t do something one minute more. It gives you the courage to walk on.
It is Okay to be a tweener. It gives you the luxury of taking a deep breath and resting a moment so you can right your course if need be or to carry on to the next challenge. Perhaps my body knows better than I do that a steady pace is better than blowing all of my energy on the first lap. Relax in the journey, take it all in, make a moment. I rejoined my journey to the Land of Normal Sizes in February. I am better prepared this time. I know I am the one leading this adventure. I can enjoy the trip or complain for the whole ride. The easier path lies in the attitude. I choose to be in my moments good and bad. Hopefully I will learn a few things about myself. I am pretty sure I already have = )
I am on the journey of my life but then again aren’t we all? What is that inner voice that tells you that THIS time it will be your turn to shine? I believe in can be found at the heart of you. It is a part of who you really wish to be, the best version of yourself. If you just listen carefully you can hear your own cheer squad.
“Here comes another dawn for every child to see
This time the morning sun is burning just for me
I’ve got the skyward eyes like I never had before
Just smile and say goodbye, show me to the door
For every one there comes a precious time
To break away
I mean to shine, oh, I mean to shine
As I look out on the morning sun
I know I mean to shine…”
These are the beginning lyrics from one of my favorite songs; I Mean to Shine. It is about finding out that your own light is just as bright as everyone else’s. It is about believing in yourself, setting yourself free and living in your moment. Why shouldn’t it be your turn? Believe in yourself. Choose your path. This is YOUR journey! Make it count. It’s never too late to start a bad day over. I think the inner voice that everyone seeks to find, the voices that help you to be the best version of yourself, are the twin sisters of true success; Faith and Hope. Everything is possible when you hang out with these two. You couldn’t ask for better friends. When you have faith in yourself you can do anything you hope for. Dream big, believe in yourself, and SHINE = )
Spring is the time of renewal. I love Spring. The longer days, the warmth of the sun, the budding of the trees and the blooming of the flowers put me over the top HAPPY. Yes, I do happy. My life sometimes brims over but who’s doesn’t? Winter this year seemed to be so drawn out. Cold and dreary, difficult times not to sink into a withdrawn emotional state. I am grateful for so many things. I have a job (even if sometimes I hate working). I am loved. My hubby understands me in ways I don’t. My Dad is being taken care of and despite my misgivings he is doing okay. I have a home with my hubby that we love. I have friends that I care about who care about me in return.
I started blogging as a way to vent things out I felt I couldn’t control or change or sometimes as a way to let myself know I am ok; that things are normal. Everyone struggles with life and the things that make life worth getting out of bed for. I would be worried if there were no bumps in the road. I have learned that I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. I have a capacity for love I never knew lived inside me. I live my life for me and the people I love.
Feeling happy is a state of mind, a personal journey not a destination. Life is in the taking of risks. Living each day you are given. I used to wonder what “waiting to exhale” actually meant. I get it now. It is that feeling you get when someone startles you. It is the quick draw of breath you take in and are afraid to let go of. Like somehow holding your breath will keep you safer. After a near lifetime of holding my breath I exhaled.
I am OKAY. My life has not always progressed the way I have wanted it to but I march towards a better day, a life worth having. I hope you always have love in your life and people who are wise enough to love you for what you bring into their life YOU.