Tag Archive | peace

Cat and Mouse

from Wikipedia… “a contrived action involving constant pursuit, near captures, and repeated escapes.” the story of my life…smh

Have I ever told that I am a diabetic? No? Well, that might be because I have always felt that was a private issue. I often worry I reveal way too much of myself here but isn’t that the reason why I started blogging in the first place? Let out all of my thoughts, my fears, empty my emotional baggage in an attempt to know peace?  As far back as I can remember I have been overweight. I have allowed myself to self-bully over it since forever ago. I set all of my value on my appearance or the lack of a Hollywood one.

I have been chasing “the perfect Diet” since I was ten years old. Cat and mouse, mouse and cat, who’s chasing who?icebox Who wins? Who loses? Not me. I know better. I know I am loved by everyone in my life, except by ME the one who matters the most in this relationship with the world. All because a long time ago before I learned how to reason like an adult someone crushed my soul by comparing me to someone I wasn’t. “Oh, why can’t you be like…” If I had been the person I am now I would have told that well meaning aunt to PISS OFF. I am not, nor will I ever be, anything more than who I already am. This aunt used to snide remark me all the time because I was “bigger” than my sisters. I still am by almost six whole inches. What this aunt meant was that I was heavier; therefore, I was of less value. “No one wants a fat wife.” “Girls are supposed to be thin and beautiful.” “You don’t need seconds” Seriously? The first time I ever remember throwing up because of eating anxiety was at her house.

My aunt was wrong. I have been married for over twenty years to a man who married me at my heaviest weight. You DON”T have to be THIN to be beautiful!  Lastly, there is nothing wrong with wanting seconds. Know your limits! Nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels!

We are all only young once, at ten years old life should be about being a child.  Instead I started obsessing about food. Why it makes me happy. Why it makes me angry. Why I love sweet vs savory. I was not diabetic in my youth. Like millions of Americans, I have adult onset or Type 2, (IMHO) poor diet in youth can equal Karma with needles later in adulthood. I have been very fortunate with my Type 2 as mine is essentially controlled by maintaining a healthy weight; which is usually accomplished by adopting healthy EATING habits!!! I take a pill every night before bed and for the most part I am doing well. I have used medication for my condition for nearly twenty years. I used to take the max dosage allowable by pill. My next stop would have been needles and all of the business that goes with that lifestyle but I chose to step away from mistreating myself with food and embrace my well-being. I am; however, not prefect and occasionally I forget where I am in the world, what I am trying to accomplish and I go on a bender. Willy Wonka has nothing on me.WonkaThere are always consequences for the choices we make. I chose to make some bad choices while on vacation. I had FUN oooooooooooooooooooooooh but  I made myself sick.  I got caught up in a very serious game of Cat and Mouse. I am getting way too old to keep falling for the same one liners but fall I do and usually very hard.

I want my life to be about other things. I want to write about other things. Vacation was great but now it is time for me to get back in line and return to the rank and file. The rest of my life is waiting in the wings. I have more to accomplish before I can feel like I am where I need to be.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

 

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Should I be Good?

Should I be bad? Don’t be a fool you fool.

Right now, as I sit to write this it is 9:20 pm I haven’t the slightest idea what I am in the mood to talk about. There has been exactly ZERO important thoughts or events or moments this week. Can it be? that my life has hit the BLAH ZONE? That lovely time of year after Winter has been put to bed but before Spring has emerged from the shower? I think I have the BLAHs. Winter has been so, well , I don’t really have a cool word for it so let’s just go with cruddy. I haven’t lost any real weight but on the flip side I haven’t really gained any real weight so I am happy. Not a word one hears much from a career “dieter” sorry WWS but that’s what I am or at least it is how I always viewed myself until recently.

I have come to the Plain of Acceptance, that low lying area of grass where we set up the lawn furniture every Spring. Time to face the facts there are some things about me that I will never be able to change or unknow or unsee or unbreak.  I used to fight against the wind but now I like to set my kite to the current that will carry me somewhere I want to be. I have formed some new friendships while being wise enough to let others go. I am really starting to enjoy being healthier.  I am the choices I make. My life is happy and peace filled because I make it this way. Life is not easy. It is filled with pain and tears and disappointments but it is also filled with love and music and laughter. It is up to us what we want to fill our lives with. For too many years I let mine be filled with the sadness I didn’t want to have. Ignoring something doesn’t make it smaller or cause it to go away I have found that the harder I try to ignore something or not deal with an issue the LARGER it becomes and the larger I become.

Here’s the thing, I don’t have the answers. I have been chasing after answers since I was twelve and felt the first pangs of not fitting in, of being different, of not feeling comfortable in my own skin; and I am just done with it. I don’t want the answers anymore. I don’t need to know. I no longer care if I don’t “fit” in. I like being a misfit. It’s who I am, it’s what I do  = )

Life is the journey we are all on together = ) Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be

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Choices

I start my routine in the darkness of early morning. I have been following this particular routine for many years. Sometimes under the guise of wisdom I try to change my set patterns for a new bag of tricks,which in all honesty, is the same routine only with more swearing caused from not applying my new found wisdom correctly. What? ; )  Sometimes I am such a dumbass! Do I get points for stubbornness? Having routines helps me to stay on point. The only problem is that sometimes I find myself grumbling over being bored. Routines can be so mundane… I fall out of love with having order where once there was chaos. Silly right? Everybody wants peace but if Peace and I go steady too long I get antsy. That is why I created cheat day. It can only happen once in a while and I can’t waste a cheat on something I could have everyday. You know like going hog wild and ordering croutons with my salad. Really? That’s all you got?

No! What I mean is that I allow myself to do or have something I really want. I won’t give into the dark thoughts that swim in the recesses of my mind. Those thoughts try to undermine my success by throwing guilt at the windows. Screw that! I think I have finally learned that it is ok to have a treat every once in a while as long as I stop and ask myself first, “Is this what you really want? or are you needing something else? like validation? or a hug? or some new pants?” Turns out sometimes I am not really looking for something to eat. I am looking for a nap, or a hug or clothes that fit.This morning while I was trying to decide if I should wear a pair of pants that fit or wear the baggier pants, I realized something. It feels great (wonderful and inspiring) to have more choices. Instead of trying to figure out what I am still able to squeeze myself into I have to figure out what won’t fall down around my ankles. It’s a nice choice to have!

This time around the Sound I have approached my weight loss efforts in a totally different way. I’ve changed my routine. I have not bought ONE frozen prepared entrée. I have made a lunch everyday. I have made better fruit and vegetable choices. I have been more patient with myself. I no longer hide my eating; instead I have expressed my needs and fears to my hubby. I am not obsessing over every ounce that I consume. I am having fun. I bought a Jawbone just so I could see if I can beat my own steps from the previous day. When I make a choice to eat something that is off the “grid” I try to leave a few bites behind. THIS IS HUGE for me. I was raised with the thought that leaving something leftover on your plate was not being thankful for what you were given. Horse pucky! It is my educated choice about the non nutritional value of that double dipped, chocolate swirl, caramel sticky bun surrounded with nuts, gooey heaven on my plate.  I only really want you because I am tired or stressed or any other myriad of excuses. It is okay to just have a taste. I can live without you BUN of DOOM! I’d much rather enjoy my new way of living than hang out with you anyway.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

Pardon the Interruption…

…We now return you to our regularly schedule programming. You never know what you are made of until you are forced to see ;  )

My Friday evenings are usually spent thinking of something inspirational and thought provoking for my group of fellow WWs. I try to blog before our weekly gathering on Saturday morning. This week was tough for me. Life dealt me a tough hand that ruined my week that threw me into a spin. My beloved Pops passed away in his sleep Wednesday night.

I knew someday it would have to happen, like most people I assumed we’d have another day. My bad. Let me say I have no regrets. I never let anything go undone when it came to my Dad. He gave me so much yet I feel like I gave him so little in return. I owed him a great deal. He taught me about perseverance, strength, love, beauty. He was not a perfect man but he was a great one. I have cried a lot in the past few days; but, I have also smiled and laughed and have been touched so profoundly by other people’s love for both me and my Dad.

I am truly blessed. My heart has grown three sizes. I thought I might not be able to keep on track and manage my foods.  I haven’t felt the need to feed my sadness. He is at peace. So I feel at peace. Whatever time we had together, whatever there was left to do that’s not yet done is okay, it’s all good. We had a great run, didn’t we DAD? I will stay the course and I will make it to my goal whatever it is because I have what I need to get there. He believed in me. He loved me. He had faith that everything always turns out just the way it is supposed to. I don’t intend to let him down. I am his daughter.

Never Give UP on the Person You Are Meant to Be

Faith is believing. I believe that someone will always be there in my corner guiding my way. These are my angels: Dad, Mom and my kid sister. Until we meet again all of my love, ❤ Trish

What’s IT Worth?

Am I worth it? Is feeling better, healthier, happier, peace filled, worth it? What is IT?

IT… is an intangible feeling;  a  Je ne sais quoi quality, something magical you can’t quite put your finger on. Am I worth the joy I feel?  Are all the wonderful, emotion filled feelings that I am throwing myself into the middle of worth the roller coaster ride?  I have nothing to prove to anyone, not even myself. I am learning to be in the moments of my life. I am no longer building my foundation; I am fortifying it. When I am strong, I can stand up to anything, even myself.

I am a student of WWs. Once upon a time ago I made it to within six pounds of my goal. I was anxious about being in the Land of Normal. I never allowed myself to partake in the success I had worked so damned hard to enjoy.  The fear of the unknown scared me away from reward.  Foolishly, instead of turning to someone for advice or for the strength I wasn’t ready to undertake as my own, I walked away. I am different now. This journey is on a pace all of its own. My body older, my metabolism a tad slower. I am struggling with self comparison. I am frustrated that THIS time my weight is coming off slower. I am trying not to spend too many precious moments dwelling on something that I can not change. If I waste too much time comparing yesterday to today, my mood, my conviction, my belief falters. I want more for myself than a fresh supply of doubts.

Sometimes just like eating, you have to put your stuff (fork) down and assess. What do I hope to accomplish for myself? I want to be able to make it to goal. I want to do it under my own steam and hard work. What have I learned so far? There are still  many things to learn about life. Every day dawns with a chance to be a better me than I was yesterday. What have I learned about myself?  I am stubborn. I am a wanter. I am a doer. I am capable. Am I working toward a goal or am I floundering? I am working on myself even though honesty hurts, change is scary and sometimes I drop the ball. I am not floundering. I have direction. I refuse to lose my way. I will not give up.

Why is this journey important to me? I want to be at peace with myself. I have learned that my health is not something I am willing to lose. Being in good health takes work. I feel amazing when I make the right choices for myself. I had lost faith in myself. I am learning to believe again. I can do anything I set my mind to. All it took was a glimmer of what might be. I want to make it to goal even if it is going to take more time than I think it should. I am worth the wait. I am worth the work.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

On the road of your life is where you experience your journey. Make your journey worth the trip =  )

 

 

Eleven

Twelve is my all time favorite number but I have always had a thing for eleven. An odd number I know but there is just something so easy and smooth about 11. Stand together and we are strong = ) two pillars side by side shouldering an enormous weight. Today I needed those pillars of strength. I almost let anger make my food choices today. I stopped and thought about how angry I was; how angry I still am. I didn’t let anger win. I won. I have been working my butt off on this new program. This Saturday it will be eleven weeks . I refuse to give up on myself.  I chose my health over my anger. =  ) Yea me!!!

I am liking this new version of WWs. Food is not the way to calm emotion. I am trying not to feed my feelings. When I make that mistake I am never quite full enough. I will eat and eat and eat desperately trying to fill a void. Food can not make you happy. It has taken me a lifetime to realize my happiness is something I am responsible for. It doesn’t come in a jar or a fancy package; it comes from within.

Owning your emotions or taking responsibility for them is not an easy task. Emotions can make you feel so wonderful and so uncomfortable at the same time. Only I can make myself feel worthless and small within my own mind, never speaking a word aloud when I am feeling vulnerable or afraid. It is tough to stand up to yourself and demand better treatment. It is not ok to take the back seat to your own life. I decided that on this road trip I would be the one in the driver’s seat. Windows down, tunes blaring, happy to be….able to do so much more than I have ever allowed myself to.

Be happy with the wonderful hot mess you are. Love the who that you are. Be the best example of yourself for yourself because you are worth it and you deserve to be at peace. Who am I? To some I am everything; to others a whisper on the wind. I am who I am. Lover of life. Good friend, good wife, a writer, a laugher, a reader, a comic, a singer of songs.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

 

TEN

On a scale of one to ten please rate your pain today. The little smiley/sad faces on the chart at the doctor’s office are there to help you express how you are feeling. You have the oil changed at your local car dealership or lube shop and they want you to fill out a survey. On a scale of one to ten  with one being the lowest score how would you rate your visit today? Were you satisfied, somewhat satisfied, depressed, ecstatic or just plain giddy? Questions, questions, questions. How am I ? I feel wonderful, alive and at peace. I am in a good place right now. I plan on enjoying this journey back to me. I am learning to live my life again. I am making better choices. I feel like I have new avenues to explore and adventures to take part in. I am watching my confidence bloom into an amazing bundle of hope. With hope anything is possible.

I had a great week. I guess I had my first real “feel good” non scale victory. I logged all of my food and all of my sins. I chose more than once not to take the easy way out by grabbing a fast snack. I am planning out more of my meals. I have returned to the all important making of shopping lists. I am reading my labels with better understanding. I am scanning labels I am unsure of and making educated purchases. Damn, it feels good. All it took was a glimmer of self belief. You really can start a fire with a spark.

I love getting up early on Saturday mornings to go to my meeting. I have promised myself to go and to stay for my meeting each week. So far so good  =  ) I have challenged myself to join water aerobics and buy a waterproof fitness band. I am trying to move more.

On a scale of one to ten? Yes, I am a TEN and not just two fives in the wrong place.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.