Tag Archive | love

I Want One More Look At You

I never thought the other shoe was going to drop but it did. One minute we were laughing, talking about the small things in and around our lives and the next the phone rang…it was nearly midnight and you were gone like a whisper on the wind.

Are you watching me now? Once upon a time there was a family of five: a husband, a wife and three little girls. There was no picket fence, or tidy, neat lives arranged in a row; but, they were my family and though I didn’t know it then I feel it now, I loved them. All of them. Our number is now TWO. Sisters we are, strangers we have become. Once we were whole. My parents held us all together with faith, love, and hard work.

There is no worse feeling than the uncertainty that final goodbyes bring. Will I ever see you again? Will I be Okay without you? Will I ever feel happiness again? Will there ever be a time when I feel like a part of something larger than myself? I used to think I was a misfit but I FIT with my family. A puzzle of sorts where my odd bits jutted out where theirs spooned in. Damn it! I want one more look at you. Sometimes it is so difficult to be in the world where I feel like I am on my own. Is it selfish to want to swim in waters of their love? One more hug, one more smile, one last chance to just sit and enjoy each other for awhile. If it is selfish I don’t care.

I really tried this year not to be sad on Breny’s birthday but I failed. Are you surprised? Don’t be, once a soul is broken it never regains its full glory. I drove to Dunkin’ Donuts and bought myself a pity donut, a French cruller, and a hot cup of coffee. I found myself sitting in the donut shop parking lot talking to her ghost? or maybe it was just that part of my soul that clings to her memory. After my sister died I made a bucket list of things I wanted to do so I could never forget her but who I am kidding? I think about her everyday! I will never forget. Her photos litter my office. I have all the cards she ever sent me, all the letters written in her left handed chicken scratches, every little thing I can hold.

It is harder for me now to remember what she sounded like. Her laugh, her joy, her angry voice, her concerned looks… not many people can say that their sibling is their best friend. She was my everything. https://youtu.be/Pm7vULhD0o0

Are you Watching Me Now?

Love the people in your life. Everyday is a gift don’t forget to open it!

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Have You Ever?

Caught a glimpse of what you are to someone who loves you? Understood how they value you? view you? regard you? Have you ever felt that emotion that is tied to their version of that unknown element, that je ne sais quoi, the beauty or wonderment that makes you the object of their love. Trust me when I say it usually has nothing to do with the superficial value of outer beauty and everything to do with the important things:  kindness, patience, wisdom, trust, understanding. Intangibles that turn love into the thing people will spend all they have just to catch a glimmer of.

All these years and I am still his reason to face the day.

I am no stranger to depression. I have experienced it, survived it, lived with a parent who was deeply affected (paralyzed) by it. I struggle everyday with finding a reason to continue one more minute of one more day in a string of days that seem to never change but I manage because I refuse to give in. I want more. I will never stop searching for happiness, peace, well being. Love compels me to keep searching.

All these years and I am still his reason to face the day.

He does not see the ugly things about myself that I do not like. He only sees me. He tells me I am beautiful. I am the one he trusts with his love. I am HIS one. Have you ever been that loved? Some times I am so busy being upset with myself that I don’t want to believe he stills loves me, needs me, desires me. I hate me! Why doesn’t he give up? How can he still love me! I lash out by throwing angry words against his soul hoping to break his bond to me but the holds are strong. He talks to me, he sees me, he understands I am fragile, he listens to what I am really saying. Sometimes things do not come out as words but as bad choices or hateful behavior. He cradles me to his chest, wipes away my tears and keeps right on loving me in his quiet gentle way.

I am finally gaining an understanding of who I am to him. I see the sparkle of joy as we see each other from across a crowded room.  US

Have you ever been so loved and unaware of what you mean to that someone at the same time? I was.

All these years and he is still my reason to face the day.

Never forget who  you are…https://youtu.be/TqsAElcHcZs

Wise on Whys

I am honest. I am real. I try to be true to myself. Sometimes I pitch a fit and I am not kind to myself. I have never been able to figure out why I can’t be my own best friend but I  can’t. I have been trying for so long to accept myself, to like the person I am, and to be at peace with myself that I forget that once upon a time I was all those things. Children are wonderful at knowing who they are. Sadly most of that awesome self acceptance and awareness gets changed by adults who think they know better.

Once upon a time in small town America there lived a little girl with golden hair, a cherub face and a soul filled with the lightness of being. I am cursed with a memory that holds onto useless info as readily as a wrapper holds a candy. With knowledge comes power, sometimes that power is not a good thing. I was a golden child until I started school.I was happy to live in ignorant bliss, public education changed all that. My childhood in a nutshell, before going to school, I was precocious. I asked a lot of questions. I was encouraged to be bright and full of life. With the coming of age I was  required to be educated. Off to school I went, only to find out there were queues to stand in for everything, no one cares if you are bright, no one wants you to be full of life; they want you to be compliant, obedient.

And that’s where all the fun and frustration began…I lost my sense of awe. I stopped wanting to know why.

I have decided that I have had enough of being a jerk to myself. I stopped thinking about my whys. Every time I allow myself to forget my whys I fall flat on my face. One would think that at my age I would be wiseR but I am not. I have always sorted out my feelings by trying to hide them. Why? I have a right to experience how I am feeling yet I try to suppress or deny them. Why? My response to raw emotion is not pretty. I have never learned to find peace in the chaos. I was not allowed to “feel” my way through sadness or stress or anger. I found other coping skills. FOOD:  my lover, my enemy, my friend, my partner in crimes against crumbs.

I have learned many things about myself and this crazy WW program that I try (yes, sometimes I actually try) to live with. Nutella is not my friend neither is any other processed carby junk food which hates me but makes me crave for its attention. I often struggle with my whys. I started obsessing with my being overweight so many years ago now that I am not sure my original reason why is still valid. I have come to a place of understanding that I do not need to be a size 8 to be happy or to be loved or to be friended or valued. I know those things are not my WHYs.

Why do I worry about my whys? What are my whys? Do have any whys? The answer?

I WANT… to be a better example of myself. I WANT…truth over lies. I just WANT to be happy with the person I am and the honest effort I put into being me everyday. No strings, no promises, no bullshit. I WANT…to be able to breathe, to climb a flight of stairs (without going into cardiac arrest), to button jeans [without having to stuff my muffin top into the pockets], to let go of self loathing because hating myself is easier for me than love. I WANT to remember how wonderful it felt being that little girl who knew her whys. I love the way I feel when I eat food I don’t have to be angry about or worry over its negative effect on my health. When I eat/drink the right things I am not thirsty from diabetes. I don’t crave more junk. My moods are better. I like being with me. I am more optimistic in how I approach every single day.

I am over feeling angry about the program changes that have once again tipped my cart over. There are bigger concerns in my world. Today I found the path again that led me back to my WHY.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Did You Miss Me?

I apologize. I missed my usual Friday night musings about me, myself and I. Our house break-in happened on the afternoon of October 6th. The complete nerve of that douchekabob who broke into my house and shattered my FALSE sense of security.  Lessons have been learned. My eating habits are a new kind of messed up. I have been crying with no true reason to connect to. This must be what post traumatic stress is kind of about. My “bad experience” was really on a mild level compared to others in the world who have had to live through hell.  Life rolls on even when we are not ready. My hat is off to the wounded in the world for getting up everyday and facing their reality.

I taught myself years ago to be a stress eater as a way of containing my emotions. How do I control anger? Numb it with ice cream. How do I control fear? Subdue it with hot and spicy whatever. How do I combat loneliness? Vast quantities of sweet :  cookies, pie, M&Ms, trail mix. I battle my sadness with writing and tears. I apologize but some of my best writing happens because I am SAD. I swear it is a funky type of sadness that follows me, haunts me, keeps me searching for the correct combination so I can own the key to self-acceptance. Why have I never learned to like myself? Why?

I have choices. I can continue on my current path(not a good idea), I can find the path I was on(Okay, but really needs some excitement), or I can forge a new path(winner, winner chicken dinner!). I stood in my bathroom for a long time tonight looking at my old self in the mirror. I deserve more than I give myself. I want more. I am tired of basing my self worth and my self esteem on my fucking dress size. I don’t even wear dresses!  More importantly why do I know so many other women who feel just like I do? I often have women tell me that they feel like I am inside their heads. How do I mirror how they feel? The more we think we are different from others around us the more we come to realize just how similar we are.

This is for the women in and around my life. You are worthy. You are loved. You are needed. You are everything wonderful to someone in your life and you might not even know it. Stop hiding who you are and what you want. Be kinder to yourself. Forgive yourself. You are stronger than you know. Embrace that little girl who lives in your soul. She holds all of your JOY.  Just BELIEVE! We all have the power to fly we just forget sometimes that we control the WINGS! You are beautiful!

Tonight I do. Actions not words. I can tell you that I am going to turn on the lights but if I don’t move from my chair I will still be sitting in the dark. I will do better for myself from this point on. I will return to the gym. I will return to WWs this Saturday. I will, actions not words.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

You Are My Obsession…

I sit here at my laptop week after week. I spill my heart out all over the place. I never tell anyone the whole truth just the parts I think you might want to look at. How do I always find myself back at the one place I loathe? I am filled with dread. I have to learn to stop being my favorite subject. I am obsessed with myself and what is wrong? with me. Look at me. Let’s talk about me. I am sad. I am angry, I am…, I am…

REALITY CHECK blogging can be very one-sided; sometimes the truth is that I don’t want to talk about me.

Enough!

It is time for me to do other things with my free time. Something constructive instead of destructive. I went back to the YWCA. I purchased a membership for a 13 week run. Today I went to the gym to get a schedule and register. I walked around the place to see what has changed. More than a few years ago (2008) I joined the Y and went to aqua aerobic classes with Mrs. Cooper. She was a great friend to me. I got a little teary eyed today in the locker room remembering how much we laughed, how much fun we had. She was a sweet soul. I really miss her. She changed my life in so many ways. She helped me to believe in myself.You don’t need to be aware that your kindness changes another human being for the better; just be happy in the knowledge that you can make a difference just by being YOU.

I left the Y feeling like I am now going in the right direction. I need to get back to taking better care of myself. I did not try this Summer to be an honest WW. I allowed myself to bend the rules. I stopped doing everything that helps me to be successful. I am ready now for the next leg of my life journey. I got this!

I would also like to clarify something for my fellow WWs. Never be embarrassed about weight that you have “reclaimed”. Everyday you are given is a chance to learn something new and wonderful about yourself. Learn to forgive yourself. You can give up or you can get up. It is your choice and your choice alone. Some days I don’t want to adult either but eventually I return to myself, my dreams, my hopes for a better day because I AM WORTH it.

Never Give Up ON The Person You Are Meant To BE! See you at the pool!

On Not Knowing What To Say

Have you ever found yourself in an awkward place or social event or family gathering when something happens and you find yourself at loss for words? It happens to me more times than I care to tell you but why start hiding things from you now? Sometimes I am awkward in person. Like a small puppy that hasn’t grown into her ears I trip over myself.  Once I say the wrong things, I tend to pile more wrong things on top until my anxiety takes over and I begin to slur my thoughts into an almost unintelligible speech pattern. I feel the heat rush to my face and I wish from the darkest reaches of my soul that the ground would open and cease my suffering.

There is nothing I can say to ever make you feel comfortable in your own skin. I can’t make you feel beautiful even though I may tell you how beautiful you are. I can not make you believe you have value if you don’t know your worth. It is very hard for me to tell people I care for them or have concerns for their well being. I have lost so many people I have loved. It is unfair of me to pin my fear of loss on you. So I stand there not knowing what to say because in truth my heart wants to cry out…NO! no more loss. I don’t want you to go. I want you to be better. There are days to fill with laughter and memories. There are people to love and jokes to tell. If I could ease your pain I would.

Tomorrow and the tomorrow after that are not guaranteed. Live your life. Sing that song. Make an ass out of yourself. Make sure people remember you for the right reasons. When I stumble trying to tell you how or why I feel the way I do, watch my body language. Maybe I am tripping over my own emotions or insecurities while trying to give the appearance of complete control. I want everyone in my life to know peace. I want you to know that you are loved, wanted and appreciated. I want you to know that some days it will rain but in time the sun does shine. If you are a part of my life it is because I WANT you there.

Sometimes I don’t know what to say. That’s why I write. Love the people in your life, they are here for that reason. Tell them how important they are to you. Stop with empty promises Give them something you value; a hug or a smile, a bouquet of flowers or do something unexpected for them.

 

Two WEEKS

I have been employed at the same company for 33 years. In all of that time I have only once before taken two weeks of vacation together. Once in the honeymoon stage of my employment before year seven and then this vacation. All I can say is WOW! Hubby and I have always resisted doing a two week stint because it is so tough mentally to get back into the swing of the early morning rise again and the bust your hump (him, not me) of a physically demanding the job. We both work for the same company, and yes, that is how we met = ) .

Have you ever had a vacation filled with UNPLANS? An unplan is pretty self explanatory. I can honestly tell you that not having any premade plans to go anywhere or do anything drives me to distraction but this year I embraced the unplan. This past year has been a time of transition for me. I have been struggling emotionally about life without my Dad. My hubby lost a favorite auntie and I a cousin, one of the cool kids. All unplans. All things I didn’t plan for or expect. Why is it when someone you love dies you feel like you are treading the outer rim of a whirlpool? Gaining speed as you spin around and around not really going anywhere but desperately trying not to get sucked into the center! whirlpool

On this vacation I finally let go of the panic. I am made of stronger things. After one more go around I found the safest spot at which to exit and now I am happy to report I am back on course. It is not our loved ones who have died that suffer the loss; it is the ones who are left behind on the shores of uncertainty that have to figure out how to be happy again, live their own lives, be the person they are meant to be. I learned so much from my parents about the kind of person I want to be, that I AM!  My Dad taught me never to give up, to never back down from a challenge, and never settle for anything done poorly. He taught how to drive, to laugh, to whistle and sing. He taught me how to love with my soul wide open. My Mom taught me patience, kindness, poetry. She taught me that not every soul is beautiful but if you look hard enough there is beauty. Orphaned as a child all she ever wanted was to be loved. I wish she knew how much she WAS LOVED but sometimes no matter how much you try to convey to someone special that they are indeed loved the more unworthy they feel.

I enjoyed this vacation. I went on a crazy adventure with my BFF. I spent so many days away from the kitchen that right about now a meal made with love is all that I am craving. I stepped away from my WWs program. I am totally Okay with that =  ) if you want perfect you have stopped at the wrong address. Life is in the living! I enjoyed spending quiet, unrushed time with my hubster. I even made him go on an adventure!  All these years and we still like each other! Love is a amazing isn’t it? ❤

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We have already decided that next year will are going to take two consecutive weeks off again. The peace was worth it.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE