Tag Archive | Life

Girl Interrupted…

No, I don’t mean the book or the movie. I mean me; I got your attention didn’t I? The will to succeed needs to be stronger than the desire to give in. No more lamenting about the stray path I have been on. No more brow beating like Camille in a play. No more bullshit. My house, my refuge, my safe place where I am allowed to be; was broken into on Friday. I shouldn’t say my, my, my; but, it is the one place on earth I feel  felt safe. = (  My false sense of security has been violated and I am pissed about that.

Hubby and I had the day off from work and spent a lazy morning around our place. Around noon we decided that prescriptions needed to be picked up and errands needed to be run so we prepped for the afternoon and stepped out. When we returned to our house hubster made his way to the bathroom, as is his usual, he called me into the bedroom.” Did you leave the light on?” Our bathroom is across the hall from our bedroom.

“No, why?” and that’s when he noticed that our closet doors were open.

“I think we have been robbed. Call 911!” so I did.

Funny how a great day can turn bad so FAST. Let me just say for the record unless there is an injury or a death, your call, even though it was placed through 911, will be treated as something minor. They don’t want you to touch anything as it could ruin evidence, that they might take, if you are lucky. Priorities people! I placed a call at 2:15 pm and no one from law enforcement showed until way after 6 pm. My house was a wreck. My cat was entrenched under our bed. Over four hours, I am sure I touched stuff. In the end they only things that got taken were just that,things. My hubby and I are Okay. Our cat, Asshole, now has bigger trust issues, just wonderful! The contents of several rooms had been sifted through. The poor fuck up who crawled through our addition cut themselves and left blood in my kitchen and my office.

And for what? some pocket change.

Lessons learned. The locks have been dealt with. Security system in place. The world is a sad place. I refuse to be less than what I am. What did I get to take away from this experience? I will not go quietly. To whomever rummaged through my underwear drawer I hope the sight of my granny panties haunts you the rest of your days. What was seen can not be unseen. Sweet dreams LOSER! it burns

 

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On Not Knowing What To Say

Have you ever found yourself in an awkward place or social event or family gathering when something happens and you find yourself at loss for words? It happens to me more times than I care to tell you but why start hiding things from you now? Sometimes I am awkward in person. Like a small puppy that hasn’t grown into her ears I trip over myself.  Once I say the wrong things, I tend to pile more wrong things on top until my anxiety takes over and I begin to slur my thoughts into an almost unintelligible speech pattern. I feel the heat rush to my face and I wish from the darkest reaches of my soul that the ground would open and cease my suffering.

There is nothing I can say to ever make you feel comfortable in your own skin. I can’t make you feel beautiful even though I may tell you how beautiful you are. I can not make you believe you have value if you don’t know your worth. It is very hard for me to tell people I care for them or have concerns for their well being. I have lost so many people I have loved. It is unfair of me to pin my fear of loss on you. So I stand there not knowing what to say because in truth my heart wants to cry out…NO! no more loss. I don’t want you to go. I want you to be better. There are days to fill with laughter and memories. There are people to love and jokes to tell. If I could ease your pain I would.

Tomorrow and the tomorrow after that are not guaranteed. Live your life. Sing that song. Make an ass out of yourself. Make sure people remember you for the right reasons. When I stumble trying to tell you how or why I feel the way I do, watch my body language. Maybe I am tripping over my own emotions or insecurities while trying to give the appearance of complete control. I want everyone in my life to know peace. I want you to know that you are loved, wanted and appreciated. I want you to know that some days it will rain but in time the sun does shine. If you are a part of my life it is because I WANT you there.

Sometimes I don’t know what to say. That’s why I write. Love the people in your life, they are here for that reason. Tell them how important they are to you. Stop with empty promises Give them something you value; a hug or a smile, a bouquet of flowers or do something unexpected for them.

 

Tantrum VS Truth

Welcome to this heavy weight battle for the championship of self-esteem. In this corner sporting cute Batman shorty pajamas and a new attitude: Truth.  Tough to beat, harder to fight… And in this corner Tantrum wearing an ice cream stained t-shirt and a pair of cutoffs. Her style is messy and unpredictable. Winner, winner chicken dinner? Again!?! with the groceries? Really?

This is proving to be an epic battle of the wills. Will I make healthy choices? Will I eat an entire container of Nutella? Will I keep going to WWs? If you are to buy into the WW weigh(pun)of life they try to make you believe that you can eat anything as long as you figure out the points. *TRUTH ALERT* yeah, not really. Right now I am eating cheese ravioli with cheese sauce, ground beef and hot sausage, because I LIKE IT. Following WWs I can have THIS but in order to fit it into program I should only smell {{{sniff, sniff}}} this and eat something else. Not going to happen. I know there will be no weight loss this week for me. (TANTRUM)

I was fighting the good fight. I was losing weight. I was working hard; and then just like that [snap of my fingers] I stopped. I want to set a goal for myself. I know I need to stop fecking’ around and find my exercise path. I need to re-examine my whys. [TRUTH]

I have allowed myself to fall back into the comfort of being disorganized, unprepared, worn out and worn down. I have been lying to myself that it is okay to overeat all of the tasty foods I can no longer have. All this time and I still fall for all of my old tricks. (TANTRUM)

I know I feel so much more alert and healthy when I make good choices. I am able to do so much more with my day when I am actively taking part in my health. I am a happier person. I enjoy being around the people in my life. I enjoy Feeling Good[TRUTH]

Why do I keep fighting with myself over my same disappointments? (TANTRUM)

What do I really want? I want to walk away from all the crap I have layered across my path. I want to embrace the peace I know I have in my life. I need to trust myself. I know what I am doing; I know what I need to do to be successful. I can do this.[TRUTH]

Bored, deprived, hungry, angry, disappointment…all excuses(TANTRUM)

No one is going to make me do this. I have to figure this it out on my own.
Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be. I’m not [TRUTH] = )

Adventure Anyone?

Life is pleasant unplanned for, wonderment. Growing up I can honestly tell you that I didn’t have many friends. Most of my friends were related to me or were kids in my neighborhood. School can often be a lonely place. If you are different from the norm it can be a brutal battlefield. Open season by others who lack the maturity to realize that it is the person(s) who are different that usually make the greatest effort to be better to you than the shits you hang around with. I survived public school. I was bullied; I became a bully. I am not proud of either experience but I walked away with life lessons I will never forget. I became a strong believer in random acts of kindness. I often sing in the middle of a store, a museum, or town square. I engage people in conversation about the loveliness of the day or an article of clothing that looks nice on them. I embrace my life with a joy I did not know growing up and I am a better person for it. Because I changed my attitude my life changed.

I am blessed to have amazing people in my life. My hubby has taught me so much about myself that I didn’t want to believe was true. I have the BEST bestfriend anyone could ever want. I belong to a book club that is filled with life affirming, positive, intelligent, well spoken females who inspire me.  I learn something new about friendship from these ladies every time we meet. I have learned to be comfortable with who I am. Thank you =  )

Yesterday I had the pleasure of undertaking an adventure with two ladies I met at hockey. Yes, I said hockey. My hubby is a HUGE hockey fan. As long as there has been hockey in our city we have held season tickets. I am more of a casual fan of the game. Often while hubby is engrossed in the goings on of the game I am being a social butterfly. That is how I met Christine and Allyson. Chris was doing duty at our team Booster Club table and I was trying to annoy her. Instead, I made her laugh (one of my more endearing qualities) I think. Allyson, whom I casually met at a game is friends with Chris. We met during intermission in between periods; a time spent by the diehards, hitting the bathroom, consuming snacks, trading stories about the shared love of the game and gossip. In time we became friendly.

Our first attempt at adventure in the last days of July showed me what great people they really are. Summer can be a busy time, we finagled our schedules to converge so these two could try to teach me all about kayaking. Our adventure day dawned with soaking rains. Time to break out Plan B. I find Plan B helps me to separate the true hearted from the PIAs (pains in the ass); sad but true. A like minded person will be willing and able to adapt to a new course of action and adventure while a PIA becomes like their moniker. Whining ,unless we are going to a winery, is just not cool. I have to hand it to these two. We adventured on. After some thinking we settled upon a walk around The Tower Hill Botanical Garden. We all got in a great walk, met some wonderful older generational people coming to Tower Hill for an event, and talked through a grand spectrum of life events. We found we have a lot in common besides the hockey. While we ate lunch we agreed to meet again before the doldrums of winter make life grey.

Yesterday we all piled into Christine vehicle and made our way to Gloucester, MA to have brunch at Sugar Magnolias. This place held up to my every expectation. I have eaten there once before. I found them just as wonderful this time around. Great food, small town feel, not mad expensive. The girl at the counter even remembered me =) . After we finished eating we headed over to Hammond Castle. We walked around the grounds before going into explore the castle’s secrets. The day was muggy and overcast. The sound of the ocean crashing over the rocks always makes my soul shine. I could have stood in that backyard all day and just watched the ocean but a catering service was setting up for an afternoon wedding and we were in the way. OOPS
We paid the admission and wandered through the castle. I am guessing insulation wasn’t a big thing back in the 1920s. It was stifling hot and the rooms smelled like a tomb. Still we had fun. I even sang in the Great Room and the gift shop. I couldn’t help myself 😉 After about an hour of roaming through the many landings and rooms we decided we needed fresh air and ice cream.
I had a lot of fun and we plan on more adventures soon. Thanks again for a great day.

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What’s IT Worth?

Am I worth it? Is feeling better, healthier, happier, peace filled, worth it? What is IT?

IT… is an intangible feeling;  a  Je ne sais quoi quality, something magical you can’t quite put your finger on. Am I worth the joy I feel?  Are all the wonderful, emotion filled feelings that I am throwing myself into the middle of worth the roller coaster ride?  I have nothing to prove to anyone, not even myself. I am learning to be in the moments of my life. I am no longer building my foundation; I am fortifying it. When I am strong, I can stand up to anything, even myself.

I am a student of WWs. Once upon a time ago I made it to within six pounds of my goal. I was anxious about being in the Land of Normal. I never allowed myself to partake in the success I had worked so damned hard to enjoy.  The fear of the unknown scared me away from reward.  Foolishly, instead of turning to someone for advice or for the strength I wasn’t ready to undertake as my own, I walked away. I am different now. This journey is on a pace all of its own. My body older, my metabolism a tad slower. I am struggling with self comparison. I am frustrated that THIS time my weight is coming off slower. I am trying not to spend too many precious moments dwelling on something that I can not change. If I waste too much time comparing yesterday to today, my mood, my conviction, my belief falters. I want more for myself than a fresh supply of doubts.

Sometimes just like eating, you have to put your stuff (fork) down and assess. What do I hope to accomplish for myself? I want to be able to make it to goal. I want to do it under my own steam and hard work. What have I learned so far? There are still  many things to learn about life. Every day dawns with a chance to be a better me than I was yesterday. What have I learned about myself?  I am stubborn. I am a wanter. I am a doer. I am capable. Am I working toward a goal or am I floundering? I am working on myself even though honesty hurts, change is scary and sometimes I drop the ball. I am not floundering. I have direction. I refuse to lose my way. I will not give up.

Why is this journey important to me? I want to be at peace with myself. I have learned that my health is not something I am willing to lose. Being in good health takes work. I feel amazing when I make the right choices for myself. I had lost faith in myself. I am learning to believe again. I can do anything I set my mind to. All it took was a glimmer of what might be. I want to make it to goal even if it is going to take more time than I think it should. I am worth the wait. I am worth the work.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

On the road of your life is where you experience your journey. Make your journey worth the trip =  )

 

 

The Hands Of Time

Time speeds by. It’s true nature is to keeping on ticking. You can’t get back lost time. You can’t jump into the future or to the past. Even though you can finds ways to save time; it won’t be in a bottle so you can use it at the end of eternity. Time is the great evader, just when you think you have enough you are all out of it. You can free up time but we usually waste what little of it we have. Life speeds by. Once I was a little girl, feels like yesterday. I can recall a time when I was just starting to feel like a grownup. Now I am on the precipice to middle age? How did that happen? Youth made me wish away my life so I would be old enough to drive, to go to college, to be an adult. What???? I thought, if only I were an adult, I would be Okay. I could do whatever I want, whenever I want, anytime I want. I kind of miss the foolishness and immaturity of youth {{{sigh}}}.

Wishing, wanting, needing more time doesn’t get you more. If it did I would fill out the required paperwork right now. I need more time. I want to go back to a happier time when the people I loved were young and happy and here.
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Yesterday I snapped this photo of my hand on my Dad’s hand. It struck a chord in me. How much my hands look like my Mom’s. How strong and virile and young my Dad once was. How much I miss my kid sister and my Mom. When did my Dad become old? How did I not notice?

They say that time is a healer but I think that is a lie. Time is a thief. It slowly robs you of the people you hold most dear to you. Live in your moments. Love the people in your life while you have them.  Make time to be with people you love. They want nothing from you but your time. Spend your time with them wisely. Reap its rewards. Go live life! Make memories.

Eleven

Twelve is my all time favorite number but I have always had a thing for eleven. An odd number I know but there is just something so easy and smooth about 11. Stand together and we are strong = ) two pillars side by side shouldering an enormous weight. Today I needed those pillars of strength. I almost let anger make my food choices today. I stopped and thought about how angry I was; how angry I still am. I didn’t let anger win. I won. I have been working my butt off on this new program. This Saturday it will be eleven weeks . I refuse to give up on myself.  I chose my health over my anger. =  ) Yea me!!!

I am liking this new version of WWs. Food is not the way to calm emotion. I am trying not to feed my feelings. When I make that mistake I am never quite full enough. I will eat and eat and eat desperately trying to fill a void. Food can not make you happy. It has taken me a lifetime to realize my happiness is something I am responsible for. It doesn’t come in a jar or a fancy package; it comes from within.

Owning your emotions or taking responsibility for them is not an easy task. Emotions can make you feel so wonderful and so uncomfortable at the same time. Only I can make myself feel worthless and small within my own mind, never speaking a word aloud when I am feeling vulnerable or afraid. It is tough to stand up to yourself and demand better treatment. It is not ok to take the back seat to your own life. I decided that on this road trip I would be the one in the driver’s seat. Windows down, tunes blaring, happy to be….able to do so much more than I have ever allowed myself to.

Be happy with the wonderful hot mess you are. Love the who that you are. Be the best example of yourself for yourself because you are worth it and you deserve to be at peace. Who am I? To some I am everything; to others a whisper on the wind. I am who I am. Lover of life. Good friend, good wife, a writer, a laugher, a reader, a comic, a singer of songs.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.