Tag Archive | humor

Saved

Lately I have been allowing myself to wallow in my sadness. I’ve kept warm with a side of self pity for good measure. I have come to a place where I have plateaued on my journey because of my actions. While I was busy contemplating my importance in the space time continuum, actually trying to decide if I wanted to keep trying or throw my hands up in faux despair and fail; I was saved. Yes, I said saved…by a set of bra hooks.

One of my best feel good moments is my sense of accomplishment. How wonderful to know the feeling of satisfaction over a job well done. Bras are the worst invention, torture for a gal with some fluff to her form. I have hated bras my whole breast laden adulthood. The other day as I was getting myself dressed for work it dawned on me. I LIKE my bras! Not for their supporting role in my life (pun intended) but because for the first time in my womanhood they fit. Not last set of hooks before I have to size up FIT but third set in I have to go be fitted for a smaller bra FIT. THAT FIT! They fit because I made a choice to start taking better care of myself. I felt a sense of pride in myself and a flash of happiness I haven’t experienced in quite some time. My journey is not over. I have accomplished a lot in a year. I feel more alive, more beautiful than I ever have. I have more work to do. I am willing to put in the work. I want to keep doing the right things for my health.

When I walked back into WWS last February my bras were stretched to their limit. You know what happens when you try to squeeze ten pounds of mud into a five pound sack? Back bulge, side ooze, unicleavage. All embarrassing, all uncomfortable but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make to keep the façade hidden. I didn’t want anyone to know how tight I felt in my own skin. So I lied to myself to keep the anger and depression from taking control of my life. I lost that battle over and over. Why do I keep making the same mistakes? Because I haven’t learned enough from them yet. Truth is a double edge weapon; it sets you free but leaves a wound that only time and love can cure.

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I have always been girl lost. I try everyday to become woman found. It is not an easy job. I am worth the best version of myself.  The sadness I am trying to work through is a temporary thing. The sun will shine another day. I will welcome its beauty again with open arms to enjoy the warmth on my soul. When I am struggling to make it to the end of a tough day I will remember that once upon a time a set of bra hooks set my efforts on a new path. I am worth the struggle.

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Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant to Be  =  )

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The Usual/Unusual

I have been called many things in my life ; weird, strange, odd, peculiar even unusual. Fine by me, I have rather enjoyed being a square peg in a round hole kind of world.  I have felt at odds with myself this past week. I have gone to extraordinary measures to punish myself for imagined shortcomings.  Guilt does not have an exclusive contract with anyone. It is a rotten emotion that is tough to shake.  This week I have been fighting a battle with myself over things beyond my control. I hate to admit this but guilt has been my steady companion.

I gave into the Dark Side. I am here to tell you that yes, they do have cookies. I ate them freely and willing but it is time now to put the emotional pain I am feeling in its proper place. I am not the same person who walks away from her own best success to eat her way through the tough times. Eating a path through your own suffering is like slapping yourself repeatedly to attain a glow to your complexion! Huh? What? I love to obsess. PERSONALITY QUIRK!!!! I love to worry over the smallest details just in case I missed something I can make better. Give it a rest already, Trish!  No one is perfect!

I had to sit myself down, have a heart to heart convo about righting my path. Sometimes the path of least resistance seems like the best idea but for me it always spins out of control somewhere between the cookie and chip aisle. I have no desire to wake up in the Lost and Found Department again wearing three day old pizza stains on my shirt and dried drool on my chin wondering when the party ended and why nobody made sure I got home safely. The older I get the easier it is to become lost and not found. For the first time in my recent history I have been right where I needed to be and I was enjoying how wonderful I was feeling; then Death came to sit with me awhile. While I am happily alive some of the people that were once in my life are now no longer of this life. No problem for them but for me, the gal who prides herself {insert lie} on not feeling {insert lie} the BIG FEELS,  I can’t seem to shake the leftover sadness.

Where am I supposed to spend all of this love that I have sitting around unused? Sadness CAN NOT be cured by eating your way to the bottom of a cookie jar. I will not give up on working to be the better version of myself. The people in my life that love me accept me as I am. It is me that makes the monsters. I chose to silence my emotions with poor food choices. Guess what? My home remedy didn’t work. The only things I accomplished? I made myself sick on junk food. I cried a lot. My anger only grew. The minute I owned what I was doing to myself I began to feel better. I am worth more than I give myself.

One of my favorite quotes by Maya Angelou “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be!

 

Choices

I start my routine in the darkness of early morning. I have been following this particular routine for many years. Sometimes under the guise of wisdom I try to change my set patterns for a new bag of tricks,which in all honesty, is the same routine only with more swearing caused from not applying my new found wisdom correctly. What? ; )  Sometimes I am such a dumbass! Do I get points for stubbornness? Having routines helps me to stay on point. The only problem is that sometimes I find myself grumbling over being bored. Routines can be so mundane… I fall out of love with having order where once there was chaos. Silly right? Everybody wants peace but if Peace and I go steady too long I get antsy. That is why I created cheat day. It can only happen once in a while and I can’t waste a cheat on something I could have everyday. You know like going hog wild and ordering croutons with my salad. Really? That’s all you got?

No! What I mean is that I allow myself to do or have something I really want. I won’t give into the dark thoughts that swim in the recesses of my mind. Those thoughts try to undermine my success by throwing guilt at the windows. Screw that! I think I have finally learned that it is ok to have a treat every once in a while as long as I stop and ask myself first, “Is this what you really want? or are you needing something else? like validation? or a hug? or some new pants?” Turns out sometimes I am not really looking for something to eat. I am looking for a nap, or a hug or clothes that fit.This morning while I was trying to decide if I should wear a pair of pants that fit or wear the baggier pants, I realized something. It feels great (wonderful and inspiring) to have more choices. Instead of trying to figure out what I am still able to squeeze myself into I have to figure out what won’t fall down around my ankles. It’s a nice choice to have!

This time around the Sound I have approached my weight loss efforts in a totally different way. I’ve changed my routine. I have not bought ONE frozen prepared entrée. I have made a lunch everyday. I have made better fruit and vegetable choices. I have been more patient with myself. I no longer hide my eating; instead I have expressed my needs and fears to my hubby. I am not obsessing over every ounce that I consume. I am having fun. I bought a Jawbone just so I could see if I can beat my own steps from the previous day. When I make a choice to eat something that is off the “grid” I try to leave a few bites behind. THIS IS HUGE for me. I was raised with the thought that leaving something leftover on your plate was not being thankful for what you were given. Horse pucky! It is my educated choice about the non nutritional value of that double dipped, chocolate swirl, caramel sticky bun surrounded with nuts, gooey heaven on my plate.  I only really want you because I am tired or stressed or any other myriad of excuses. It is okay to just have a taste. I can live without you BUN of DOOM! I’d much rather enjoy my new way of living than hang out with you anyway.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

Mirror, mirror…

…on my wall.  I have had quite a few things on my mind this week. Thoughts that randomly invade my sleep, thoughts that nag at me in the check out line at the grocery store, questions that come to me when I am mid-conversation with someone. I have spent a lot of time reflecting about where I’ve been, how far I have come, and what is next for me on this adventure. I try to face my fears with humor, determination, and a good anxiety med now and then  o-O .  Last week I told you about my need for new bras. I was nervous about going. I  talked to myself from the time I left my morning meeting until late the next afternoon before I bravely ripped off the Band-Aid of fear, plunging headlong into the experience. You know what? It wasn’t as bad as I remembered; maybe I have changed,opened myself up to a new way of being myself. I am down both a cup size and a band size, Yeah!!!!  =  )   =  )  =  )

It is not just my body that is different. I feel different. Happy in a way I have not been happy in a long time. I noticed for the first time this week that my pace while I walk is quicker. I am not so out of breath any more. My feet don’t hurt.  I feel more confident in my ability to choose the right things for myself. I have enough energy to last through my workday and still have enough reserves left to go shopping or take an evening walk or enjoy extra curricular activities{{wink, wink}}. No nap needed =  ) I know there is more work to be done. I just thought I would take a moment to rest, appreciate the wonders I have seen before I continue the climb.

I look in the mirror. I see my smiling face. There is a feeling a self-worth. I am becoming the woman I want to be. Once upon a time I couldn’t see through my tears. I missed the beauty that was right in front of ME! The beauty (inner) has always been there; I just forgot. Life pushed me hard. I lost my balance. I fell down. I thought I would never be better. I got to a point where I was tired of feeling badly about who I was, who I was allowing myself to be.  I stood up to myself and took control. It has been tough on me to accept that my normal means being ever mindful about my mouthfuls; but, I am a big girl and I am learning to adult. I got this. I am doing this. I own this.

 

re·flec·tion(rĭ-flĕk′shən)n

1.The act of reflecting or the state of being reflected.2. Something, such as light, radiant heat, sound, or an image, that is reflected.3.a. Serious thinking or careful consideration: engaged in reflection on the problem. b. A thought or an opinion resulting from such thinking or consideration: wrote down her reflections.4. An indirect expression of censure or discredit: a reflection on his integrity.5. A manifestation or result: Her achievements are a reflection of her courage.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.