Every morning during my work week I get out of bed before 5 am. I gather the things I need for my shower. I waltz into the kitchen and start the coffee. I bring my stuffs into the bathroom. I try to float around in the quietness between my husband’s sleep sounds and our cat’s need for immediate attention. She is a bit of a diva and can become quite loud if I fail to pay attention to her before I get into the shower. I love my mornings. It is the only time of day I am completely alone with my thoughts. I turn on my laptop, I begin to think about my day. I look forward to Friday. I needed Friday afternoon to come early this week but it rolled along following its own schedule as usual. I am tired. My feet hurt. I want the beauty of Spring, her gentle warming breezes and the way her foliage brings the smile out of an otherwise gloomy day.
Sometimes the sunshine we so desperately need comes from the people in our lives. Last night hubster and I stepped away from our usual Thursday night adventures and went to a hockey event. There have been far too many tears from me lately and not enough things to smile about. I wasn’t looking forward to being a part of a “hockey family” again. I have been enjoying the peace of FREE TIME. I did not want to go to this event but love sometimes requires us to partake in things as a show of support for something our loved ones are mad for. So loving my hubster, I drove him to be with his hockey peeps.
The smile of recognition from a face across the room tells me she is glad I came to the event. We make small talk. I congratulate her on her new grand baby. I think his name is wonderful and a strong indicator that he will do grand things with his life. I mean this. I tell her I am happy that she and her husband have bought season tickets for the upcoming season. She tells me is happy to see me. She tells me she loves reading my blog. My heart melts…and swells with pride at the same instant. How can I ever tell her what those little words of sunshine mean to me?
Sunshine needs no introduction. We have all felt her warmth, her vibrancy. Happy to be by her side; we miss her when she is gone. We write songs in her honor and poems extolling her virtues. Sometime friends are the sunshine you have been longing for. Lately I have been searching for my happy.
Last night I found it. Thank you for being the ray of sunshine I needed.
If you are very fortunate in life there are people who “get” you. My personal list happens to be on the short side. My life’s path has been blessed by many people, and yes, some of you have been really lovely but let’s be honest most of you don’t “get” me. The pool of people in my life (people that I hold near and dear to my heart and soul) is rather small. I have never been quite sure if I can attribute that to my unwillingness to meet new people or to the fact that most people are too judgmental and hurtful. Recently this pool of mine has lost some members. There was no lapse in coverage or a failure to renew. Their life cycles just stopped spinning.
Now, even though it is not true, I feel like I am spinning all alone. My cousin Mike was a kind, unique human being; and just like a flash of lightning he is gone. Once again I find myself in the place of regrets, with thoughts unspoken and deeds undone. How did our lives end up on opposite shores? How do I tell you how much you have always meant to me? I can’t. I can only hold onto my belief that somehow you know how golden we once were, before life and dreams of adulthood separated our paths. You will always live in my heart where I hold onto all the wonderful things from my life. You always made me laugh. You always listened when I was certain no one heard. You were more than a ripple in the wave of my life. I owe you more than I can ever pay forward. You were one of the reasons I learned to fly. I hope you know that you are loved. I will forever miss you. Rock the Heavens. Lord knows they could use better music.
A ripple seems like a small thing until you realize how big its impact is. Be the ripple in the waves of someone’s life.
like a tall glass of ice cold lavender lemonade on a scorching hot day. I think about my Saturday WWs meeting this way; a pause in an otherwise busy life. Once a week I weigh in, find my motivation and strength to face another challenge. Let’s face it life is hectic. Mine is filled with work, hobbies, hubby and various and sundry things I neither enjoy or want to participate in; but, adulting is about doing what’s right. Well, it is if you are trying to be a good adult = )
I have learned that my adventure in adulting is a whole lot easier when I am willing, when I am patient(toughest thing), when I ask questions and when I am honest with myself when I need help. I took a leap of faith in myself last February and walked back into a WWs meeting. I have been trying to go faithfully every week and I am proud to say I have missed only 3 or 4 meetings in over a year! There is more to my success though than meets the eye. I feel like it is time for me to sing the praises of the people I have met at my meeting. Here’s to the women who make my meeting fun, informative, inspirational, motivating, and well worth my time. I have come to know that I can lean on you for moral support when I am feeling low. You never tire of the questions I ask. And let’s face it you offer great advice.
This program would be nothing without your help. Amazing to me that each of you was once on my side of the scale. You overcame the obstacle of SELF. I draw inspiration from you whenever I feel myself sliding. I find myself asking, “What would Kathy do?” or “I want to write a blog post for Danielle!” I worry if Auntie Phyllis is not at my meeting. She may be the sweetest person I have ever met. Is she Okay? I like that Dixie laughs at my weirdness and sometimes gently reminds me to behave when my mischief needs to be managed. Everyone’s life story has its own path but for one hour a week in the early part of my Saturday you join me in my quest to a better self. I owe you a level of gratitude I can never repay. I look forward to our time together. You make me feel like I can accomplish whatever I work for.
Thank you for being the wonderful people that you are.
That moment: an event or a feeling that changes your life path. I have had a few moments in my time. That moment when I realized that I meant something wonderful to someone. That moment when you finally understand that you are OK just as you are. That moment when you decide that you are worthy of more than you have allowed yourself to believe. Moments make up your lifetime. We all have bad, uncomfortable moments but it is up to you what you do with them. Don’t let small mistakes become BIG problems. My moments have taught me many things. I am stronger than I thought. I am brave. I am capable. My moments have been valuable beyond measure.
Before I met him I thought I would always be alone. Before I married him I never knew how wonderful love was. Before I understood, I thought I was broken. Before I knew who I was I yearned for something more; now I am enough. Be in YOUR MOMENTS.
I have been on my current weight loss journey for a little over a year. I have been struggling lately but mostly in my head. I am scared that I don’t have what it takes to commit to always trying to make the best choices. I have been actively lying to myself during the month of February about how I can “do this on my own. I can quit WWs!” Really? Trish! How many times do you think you can strike your head on the cement without sustaining an injury? I have heard over and over from my WW leader that no one in their right mind after tripping over one stair picks themselves up and throws themselves down the rest of the staircase but I was willing to try and ALMOST did it!
I will not dwell on the recent misconduct during my private soirée (classy expression for pity party). I was behaving like a tired toddler in serious need of a nap. Tantrum is now over. It is okay to be afraid. Understanding where the fear comes from and working through those fears is new ground for me. There will be more mistakes I am sure but the one mistake I will not make is to stop what I am doing. I am just now starting to enjoy the healthier me. The girl with more energy and passion and willingness to be in the day.
Phase Two of my journey begins. This is the phase I have never ventured too far into before. I need to find an exercise program that I will like, that will grow with my needs. I need to be more aware of the good things that I do for myself. I need to make sure that I get enough water and oil into my daily routine. Code Dingo has been a tough experience for me lately. There is nothing worse than needing to GO, wanting to GO but the guests won’t leave. Whose fault is that? Mine, of course, because I haven’t been paying attention to what my body has been trying to tell me because I have been letting my demons “talk” too loudly in my quiet space. I have been distracted, even a little sad.
I was touched by the concern of a fellow WW. She gently reminded me that she cares about how I am doing. Sometimes you don’t know what you mean to someone else. Ask the questions! Show the concern. Trust me it is worth everything. A simple question can be the spark that lights the candle which shines down the path to a better way. Thank you for that spark ; )
Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !!!
Really? NOW? Spring you elusive imp, I needed you like two weeks ago. This winter season you have been teasing me with a string of mild days with absolutely the barest minimal amount of snow, and just like that, KaBOOM! you let Winter sink his teeth in. My bones are now beyond chilled. I was not looking forward to winter. The days are darker, colder, less friendly. I haven’t managed one really awesome adventure. I haven’t enjoyed one walk outside in the sunshine of an afternoon. Why? because everyone knows an afternoon in the winter lasts all of a ten minutes and is over before I get out of work. I get up in the dark, drive to work in the dark, drive home in the fading light of the day and end my day in the dark. I feel like a mole. Where’s my miner’s helmet?
I hate that I have to lug my HEAVY winter gear with me wherever I go. I was not looking forward to winter. Winter means me being less active. It was worse this year because I was experiencing some heart arrhythmias. I was taking it easy until I saw my doctor. I finally had my cardiologist appointment this week right before the storm. I have been given the green light to resume any and all activity I was participating in before my incident. I am pleased to tell you that my video game playing skills have not diminished one bit. I have seen the days start the climb into more daylight hours. I felt a surge of happiness. I was hoping to be able to start my Spring walking program early. Mother Nature really has a twisted sense of humor, doesn’t she? Bitch
I am over it now. Winter is grabbing at his last glory days before Spring. I made a promise to myself to make it to my goal. I don’t intend to let myself down. I may falter but I will never give up. I am not a quitter. Believe in the power of self.
Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be, I’m not!
February 6th. It seems like an ordinary day and for most people I am sure it is. It is one of my toughest days to get through every year. Brenda was born on this day 1967. I write about her every year on her day. Love does not diminish just because the one you loved has gone, it simply becomes something quieter, something different. The tears that are rolling down my cheeks right now are a mix of sadness and joy; sad for the things we will never do together and joy for the acceptance and love she always gave me. Just because you have siblings does not guarantee you will enjoy them but I was lucky. She was my kid sister, my friend, my confidant, my partner in crime, mine.
She would have been 50 years old today. I can’t help but wonder if her beautiful red hair would be a slight shade of pink from the subtle grey hair I am sure she would be trying not to take ownership of. Would her beautiful face be wrinkled from time? Things I will never need to know the answers for.
The girl I grew up with was shy, timid almost. I swear she was born with a broken heart. She did not know her worth. As the saying goes,”you only accept the love you think you deserve.” So yes, you guessed it; her taste in men was HORRIBLE! We were both so young living life trying to find a path to our own happiness. Why didn’t I see she was hurting? Why didn’t I know enough to help her get away from those bad influences? Now, I have the experience of life behind me to understand but not then.
I freely admit when I think about my kid sister I always see her through rose colored glasses. That is the love I have for her. She wasn’t perfect. I am the one who put her on a pedestal. I am the one who tried to fix her brokenness. I am the one who didn’t see her truths because I didn’t want to look. She did some pretty shitty things to her life. I know now she was drowning, fighting to stay above water. She didn’t like herself. She never learned to forgive herself for her own shortcomings. She was convinced she wasn’t good enough. She spent her life trying to run away from herself instead of working her way TOWARDS something better. Once upon a time I was crying to her about my own struggles over my weight, my beauty, my self worth. I told her I would give anything to be like her because I thought she had everything. She sat very quietly listening to me and when she had enough of my pity party she said,” outer beauty is a prison. No one cares what I think or if I have a brain. They just look at me and make assumptions about my intelligence. They assign me a value. Men chase me like a prize to be won. I wish I were more like you; you have everything.”
Her words broke my heart but they made me see for the first time. We all struggle. We all have pain. I never got to tell her how much I loved her for all the things she was to me. She taught me so much about the power we all have but keep hidden in ourselves. After she died I came to learn from other people in her life just how much I meant to her. She admired me. I was her older sister and she was proud of me. ME!?! I am a better person because of our struggles together. Whenever I feel like I can’t go another step I try to remember that our journey together is not over just interrupted.
I miss you, Breny.
Brenda and Trisha ,<3
Once upon a time…the very best fairy tales start this way but then again so do some of the very best lies. I am not in a good space right now. I am trying very hard to focus on the whys. Why did I choose to go back to WWs? Why am I still doing this to myself year after year after year? Why are my attempts at redemption often so short lived? Why don’t I know how to just BE? In my past whenever I would gain weight (and trust me when I tell you I am really great at that) I was always hiding from something or running away. If I just eat this sandwich I won’t have to think about where I am going to get the money to pay the rent. Or I am still alone/unmarried but this Chinese food will distract me. Or I wanted to be a singer but I work in a distribution center because I have no faith in myself or confidence in my abilities so I am going to pound out this box of cookies instead of pursuing my dreams. The days of numbing my feelings with food are not totally gone but I handle them better. My bad moments don’t turn into week/month long affairs.
There is nothing to hide from anymore. I am married and have been for over twenty years. Happily too I might add, even though sometimes I forget that and take my relationship for granted (dumbass). Not being able to accept the love that is given to me is MY character flaw. I have always allowed myself to believe that I am damaged goods simply because I struggle with my self image. I tell myself I am not pretty, I am not smart enough, I am not?
Once upon a time there was a girl who believed she could sparkle = ) My tiara may be a little dented and some of my glitter has rubbed off but I am still here working for a better me. I will struggle but I will not give into myself just because I am having a streak of doubt with a side of anger served on a warm bed of what do I do next? Chin up Princess there is still much work to do.
I have finally learned…Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be