Tag Archive | Faith

Have You Ever?

Caught a glimpse of what you are to someone who loves you? Understood how they value you? view you? regard you? Have you ever felt that emotion that is tied to their version of that unknown element, that je ne sais quoi, the beauty or wonderment that makes you the object of their love. Trust me when I say it usually has nothing to do with the superficial value of outer beauty and everything to do with the important things:  kindness, patience, wisdom, trust, understanding. Intangibles that turn love into the thing people will spend all they have just to catch a glimmer of.

All these years and I am still his reason to face the day.

I am no stranger to depression. I have experienced it, survived it, lived with a parent who was deeply affected (paralyzed) by it. I struggle everyday with finding a reason to continue one more minute of one more day in a string of days that seem to never change but I manage because I refuse to give in. I want more. I will never stop searching for happiness, peace, well being. Love compels me to keep searching.

All these years and I am still his reason to face the day.

He does not see the ugly things about myself that I do not like. He only sees me. He tells me I am beautiful. I am the one he trusts with his love. I am HIS one. Have you ever been that loved? Some times I am so busy being upset with myself that I don’t want to believe he stills loves me, needs me, desires me. I hate me! Why doesn’t he give up? How can he still love me! I lash out by throwing angry words against his soul hoping to break his bond to me but the holds are strong. He talks to me, he sees me, he understands I am fragile, he listens to what I am really saying. Sometimes things do not come out as words but as bad choices or hateful behavior. He cradles me to his chest, wipes away my tears and keeps right on loving me in his quiet gentle way.

I am finally gaining an understanding of who I am to him. I see the sparkle of joy as we see each other from across a crowded room.  US

Have you ever been so loved and unaware of what you mean to that someone at the same time? I was.

All these years and he is still my reason to face the day.

Never forget who  you are…https://youtu.be/TqsAElcHcZs

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Janus Man

JanusMeans “archway” in Latin. Janus was the Roman god of gateways and beginnings, often depicted as having two faces looking in opposite directions. The month of January is named for him. January is the month of reflection. We all look back on the year that is leaving and we worry about what is rounding the corner of what will become the new year. I stopped making New Year resolutions before I was out of my teen age years or did I? That is a question I have been chewing on since mid- December. I think my life long resolution remains; be the best version of yourself everyday!

In my heart of hearts I know I am a good person. In the words of Popeye,” I yam what I yam.” Popeye poster I refuse to waste anymore time on the year that has just ended. My life is not a script. There are no re-writes to be handed in, no rehearsals for opening night. This is it kid, your life in glorious Technicolor. I don’t always like the path I am traveling on. I whine. I complain. I cry. I carry around resentment like a toy poodle in a hand bag. I get so sick of myself I want to be anyone but ME. No matter where I try to run I am right there with ME baffled by own stupidity. I have had enough. I will not continue to punish myself for my shortcomings anymore.

I have finally accepted that I actually prefer to eat clean rather than to bog myself down with JUNK. It is okay to be kind to yourself. You are the only copy of the book called This Is Your Life. Below please find the love letter I have in my heart.

Dear Trish,

You have an amazing capacity for love, share it. You are friendly and welcoming to everyone around you; learn to be kinder to yourself. You give everyone else the chance at making things better. Extend the same patience to yourself. A smile and a heart felt compliment does more for a person’s soul than any amount of chocolate. Celebrate all the wonderful things that make up your life. You have great friends. You are loved. You are someone’s everything. Stop under estimating your ability to be the best example of yourself. Embrace who you are, look at where you have come from, make plans to get through the obstacles on your path and play on. You just have to BELIEVE in the power of you. Kudos to you for getting out of bed today = ).

Love….ME

I showed up today. I went out this morning in the gusty winds and drove myself straight to my favorite Saturday morning WWs meeting. I swallowed my pride and stepped onto the crusher of dreams, (key music), the Scale.  Guess what? The world has not ended or stopped turning. I was angry for a few minutes but I have to accept what I have done to myself once again in the guise of “taking a break”, “relaxing” or any of a hundred other excuses I could use. The time has come for me to pull up my Big Girl panties, dust myself off and return to my spot in the grand parade.

I did not enjoy my time away from program as much as I convinced myself I would. I really hate the way craptastic food makes me feel and look. When I stick to my version of the WW program, the things that work the best for me ; ), I am a much happier person. I am more positive in my approach to the world and its human beans. I like myself more. Eating in a healthy way helps me to live a better life for myself and the people in my life.
My road is long and arduous, the scenery (me) beautiful. I am making my journey worth every step I make.
Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be…EVER

It’s a Kind of Magic…

…LIFE, when it surprises you in unexpected positive ways. I started my unbirthday project last week. I carefully framed each of my photos that I had snapped at a sunflower festival. I wrapped each creation in tissue paper than I arranged them into waiting gift bags. As I made my way around handing out my gifts to the people I had selected, my heartbeat was catching in my throat. I was nervous with gleeful anticipation and dare I say a little apprehension.

The look in someone’s eye when the surprise is for them. The questioning look that asks,”what have I done to deserve this?” their happiness unfolds as their grin expands; that is what you have done, given back what I desire most, a smile. Not much really but everything that is grand about people. We have become a nation of anger. It breaks my heart in ways too numerous to tell here. Where have all the “good” people gone? the ones who put out a hand not to press you down but to steady you as you find your way? When did it become common place not to look people in the eye, exchange a quick good morning, or good afternoon and flash a warm smile their way. WHEN?

I usually post Friday nights but this week I just wasn’t feeling it. I wrenched my back earlier in the week. I spent three excruiating days not being able to do much of anything but cry in discomfort. I am happy to report that the spasming has slowed to a dull roar which has allowed me to be able to sit here long enough to enlighten you on how my unbirthday project has been progressing. I have a few more peeps to surprise, then I am done until the dead of Winter when happiness is in short supply. Love the people in your life while they are here to enjoy you.

My Thin…

…Is someone else’s fat.  Not a play on words but the gospel truth. I pretty much took this week off from the weighing, measuring, and giving two Flower pots about mindful eating. I was feeling sorry for myself on Tuesday, no real reason just a foul mood so I have been eating like I just got in a box of fresh rations. Suddenly the light bulb of recognition went off in my head that even though I have lost weight, I am still considered overweight, obese even(from a medical stand point). It frustrates me, so I fought back by not taking care of myself this week! I’ll show me! IMG_20170601_192732 Okay for a while but pity parties are real downers so tonight after one last huzzah I jumped back into the boxcar for the slow ride to The Land of Normal Sizes. There is more work to be done. I have started to think of myself in a new light. I am not fat. I am thinner. Well? I am thinner, than I used to be.

I am in a different space in my head now than I was in the past. I am fully aware of the fact that I alone empower my success or failure. I refuse to give up. I will keep trying. My thin is not your thin and that is ok. I refuse to allow myself to value who I am based on my weight or how I look. I went back to WWs because I wanted to feel healthy again. I wanted to be able to do more than what I have been able to do for myself in a long time.  My headaches are gone. My joints don’t ache as much anymore. My skin is clearer. My moods lighter. I guess my WHYs for losing weight are changing. I need to find new things to focus on so I have something to build into. I am worth all of my efforts good and bad. I know sometimes I am going to give into my bad self and consume mass quantities of junk but I have learned to STOP, REST, and ACCESS, even if it does take me a few days = ).

Commercial break is over. It is time to return to the show….

Never Give UP On Who You Are Meant To Be

Sunshine

Every morning during my work week I get out of bed before 5 am. I gather the things I need for my shower. I waltz into the kitchen and start the coffee. I bring my stuffs into the bathroom. I try to float around in the quietness between my husband’s sleep sounds and our cat’s need for immediate attention. She is a bit of a diva and can become quite loud if I fail to pay attention to her before I get into the shower. I love my mornings. It is the only time of day I am completely alone with my thoughts. I turn on my laptop, I begin to think about my day. I look forward to Friday. I needed Friday afternoon to come early this week but it rolled along following its own schedule as usual. I am tired. My feet hurt. I want the beauty of Spring, her gentle warming breezes and the way her foliage brings the smile out of an otherwise gloomy day.

Sometimes the sunshine we so desperately need comes from the people in our lives. Last night hubster and I stepped away from our usual Thursday night adventures and went to a hockey event. There have been far too many tears from me lately and not enough things to smile about. I wasn’t looking forward to being a part of a “hockey family” again. I have been enjoying the peace of FREE TIME. I did not want to go to this event but love sometimes requires us to partake in things as a show of support for something our loved ones are mad for. So loving my hubster, I drove him to be with his hockey peeps.

The smile of recognition from a face across the room tells me she is glad I came to the event. We make small talk. I congratulate her on her new grand baby. I think his name is wonderful and a strong indicator that he will do grand things with his life. I mean this. I tell her I am happy that she and her husband have bought season tickets for the upcoming season. She tells me is happy to see me. She tells me she loves reading my blog. My heart melts…and swells with pride at the same instant. How can I ever tell her what those little words of sunshine mean to me?

Sunshine needs no introduction. We have all felt her warmth, her vibrancy. Happy to be by her side; we miss her when she is gone. We write songs in her honor and poems extolling her virtues. Sometime friends are the sunshine you have been longing for. Lately I have been searching for my happy.

Last night I found it. Thank you for being the ray of sunshine I needed.

The Ripple

If you are very fortunate in life there are people who “get” you. My personal list happens to be on the short side. My life’s path has been blessed by many people, and yes, some of you have been really lovely but let’s be honest most of you don’t  “get” me. The pool of people in my life (people that I hold near and dear to my heart and soul) is rather small. I have never been quite sure if  I can attribute that to my unwillingness to meet new people or to the fact that most people are too judgmental and hurtful. Recently this pool of mine has lost some members. There was no lapse in coverage or a failure to renew. Their life cycles just stopped spinning.

Now, even though it is not true, I feel like I am spinning all alone. My cousin Mike was a kind, unique human being; and just like a flash of lightning he is gone.  Once again I find myself in the place of regrets, with thoughts unspoken and deeds undone. How did our lives end up on opposite shores? How do I tell you how much you have always meant to me? I can’t.  I can only hold onto my belief that somehow you know how golden we once were, before life and dreams of adulthood separated our paths. You will always live in my heart where I hold onto all the wonderful things from my life. You always made me laugh. You always listened when I was certain no one heard.  You were more than a ripple in the wave of my life. I owe you more than I can ever pay forward. You were one of the reasons I learned to fly. I hope you know that you are loved. I will forever miss you. Rock the Heavens. Lord knows they could use better music.

A ripple seems like a small thing until you realize how big its impact is. Be the ripple in the waves of someone’s life. wave

 

The Pause That Refreshes

like a tall glass of ice cold lavender lemonade on a scorching hot day. I think about my Saturday WWs meeting this way; a pause in an otherwise busy life. Once a week I weigh in, find my motivation and strength to face another challenge. Let’s face it life is hectic. Mine is filled with work, hobbies, hubby and various and sundry things I neither enjoy or want to participate in; but, adulting is about doing what’s right. Well, it is if you are trying to be a good adult = )

I have learned that my adventure in adulting is a whole lot easier when I am willing, when I am patient(toughest thing), when I ask questions and when I am honest with myself when I need help. I took a leap of faith in myself last February and walked back into a WWs meeting. I have been trying to go faithfully every week and I am proud to say I have missed only 3 or 4 meetings in over a year! There is more to my success though than meets the eye. I feel like it is time for me to sing the praises of the people I have met at my meeting. Here’s to the women who make my meeting fun, informative, inspirational, motivating, and well worth my time. I have come to know that I can lean on you for moral support when I am feeling low. You never tire of the questions I ask. And let’s face it you offer great advice.

This program would be nothing without your help. Amazing to me that each of you was once on my side of the scale. You overcame the obstacle of SELF. I draw inspiration from you whenever I feel myself sliding. I find myself asking, “What would Kathy do?” or  “I want to write a blog post for Danielle!” I worry if Auntie Phyllis is not at my meeting. She may be the sweetest person I have ever met. Is she Okay? I like that Dixie laughs at my weirdness and sometimes gently reminds me to behave when my mischief needs to be managed.  Everyone’s life story has its own path but for one hour a week in the early part of my Saturday you join me in my quest to a better self. I owe you a level of gratitude I can never repay. I look forward to our time together. You make me feel like I can accomplish whatever I work for.

Thank you for being the wonderful people that you are.