Tag Archive | beauty

My UnBirthday Project

As I have told you before, I am not a big fan of my birthday. Like the witch that she is, my day, lived up to all of my low expectations (I never set the bar too high). Being the bigger personality, I have called a truce with myself over my losses. I have started an UnBirthday Project. I am now trying to make or buy small gifts to randomly hand out to people I enjoy. So we can share a genuine moment with no strings attached.  I want to spread some good vibes around. A little something nice in a not so friendly world. Nice matters. Because there are not enough people in the world who smile freely or share of themselves like they won’t get hurt. If you build your walls too high only the thorns thrive, just ask Sleeping Beauty ; )

A few weeks ago I dropped my first gift. Tomorrow is another chance to gift someone some beauty. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

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Who knows YOU could be next!

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On the Shore

I have stood here before looking out into the ocean, feeling overwhelmed by the beauty in nature. The water washing over the rocks strewn across its path, foam building as the water glides back and forth against the beach. It is almost hypnotic. The noise of the gulls scawing as they fly against the wind current laughing at their own cleverness. The hiss of the spray as it rushes through small patches of time worn boulders that have formed pathways. The fragrant smell of salt in the air and sea grass. The winds brushing against all of me. Being in my moment as my soul fills with a sense of happiness I find difficult to convey.

I was born in the Summer. I feel more at peace with myself during the summer. I look forward to the longer days. I love being able to do more while wearing less, instead of doing less while wearing more. My perfect season and it goes away so quickly. The days are getting shorter. I can feel the tide starting to turn.  I know there is still time to take that long walk, or go on an adventure, or visit the ocean…but

the Fall is calling. I am getting restless. It is time to go make memories.

 

Welcome…

outputto my world! Everything I need, that I have always wanted has always been within my reach. I just didn’t want to believe I could accomplish great things. Why is that? Why do I cast doubts? Why do you? why does anyone for that matter. Why is it easier to accept that someone else will do better, be better?

I wanted to have more weight off by now, instead I am maintaining. I am not bored with my lifestyle change, I am just drained. The soggy Spring and this new interesting journey the medical professionals like to call Menopause has taken me down a road I don’t get much happiness traveling along. I am trying not to give into my own bad self. I like where I am at this moment, on this particular stretch of the journey. I am finding out new and scary things about myself. Like, how I can twist a mood swing in just the right direction causing the airflow to change course and send a cool breeze along regions of my body that have secretly burst into flames (hot flash) ! Ok, maybe not but I have been surprised on more than one occasion by the sudden need to cry over a pet food commercial or the unexpected joy brought on by a silly meme on one of my social media sites from a few days previous. Things I have never entertained ideas of doing I am now making elaborate plans for. Why is that? Because life demands that you take part in it! The ride is intense and doesn’t last nearly long enough.

I guess everyone’s mid life crisis is a work of art.  Life is really a short journey we pack inappropriately for. Never pack sandals to go to a ski resort or wear a parka to the beach. What does that even mean? For me, living in the moment is a great idea but it lacks purpose. I need a focal point, a goal. At the end of my road I want people to remember me as a vibrant, beautiful force of nature who accomplished great things because I refused to give up. I have more things to do, see, dream, cry over and finish. I know tomorrow the scale will be less kind but I am ok with that. I have had a rough week so I paid less attention to WWs and more to myself and my well being.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Not Just Another Day…

…At The Beach

Every child’s beach playset comes with the same equipment. A sand pail, a sieve, a spade, a rake, a watering can.  Maybe there will be a few cutsie shapes to make molds with. pails My favorite thing in the world when I was a kid, playing in the sand on a beach. Sun on my back, the waves slapping the shoreline. I liked shifting the sand better than anything. I used to like to pretend I was sieving for gold. I miss the days when everything felt new and magical. It is true that youth is wasted on the young. I am just now beginning to understand how blessed I have been. I miss the innocence and  wonder of youth, that nervous excitement about the unknown:  the first crush of love, the first time a boy asks you out, the first kiss that follows…

I am just trying to figure out when my firsts? turned into my bucket list! Did it happen when my scales tipped more in favor of what has been left undone or have I come to learn that life is in the business of living instead of making plans to participate? Or is it truly an age thing? and is it more acceptable to say something is on your bucket list instead of owning up to a FIRST. There’s a first time for everything yet a bucket list item can be revisited as many times as warranted.

I find myself somewhere I have never been before yet it is not a first nor does it belong on a bucket list. I am comfortable. I have found my groove just like Stella. I have had glimpses of its beauty before but I felt unworthy to stay. I am enjoying being me. No flashing lights, no big signs, no sales pressure!  Just me, the way I am! Come summer I will be hitting a beach, bringing my gear and sieving some sand. Who knows what kind of treasure I might find in the day!

Be IN Your Moments!

The Eye of the Beholder

True beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I was brushing my teeth. My face looking back at my own amazement over the realization that my face looks leaner. Gone are the full cheeks and double chins. I can’t help myself, I break into a full on smile nearly blinding myself with my own pearly whites! A huge NSV! I finally am noticing that all of my hard work is paying off.

There I am right where I left me! I knew I was somewhere close by. This is the version of myself that I feel like on the inside. The beauty matching on both sides. I feel like I  will accomplish anything I put my mind too. It is a wonderful feeling. I forgot how awesome being happy with myself felt. I have felt so beaten by life for so long that I forgot how happy felt. I am no fool, well, I try not to be. I know that happy is a fickle bitch and I should never completely trust that she will stick around but for right now I love her.

I am sitting in my office trying to get this to post and not fall asleep while typing. I am freezing, a side effect from the weight loss, and I have a headache. Holiday season has always been tough for me but I am determined not to eat my way through them this year. I am donating all of the clothes that I am shrinking out of to charity. I could store them in my closet, so I will have something to wear for when I “give up”, but I refuse to undermine my best efforts.  This time I will not give up; this time I will follow through. I will finish the entire course not just the front nine.

Everyday…I try to do better than the day before. I try to learn something new.  I try to remember to be thankful for one small thing.  I try to gently remind myself that I am made of the right stuff, that I deserve to know self acceptance. I talk to myself a lot! Thank God this time around I am actually listening = ) I am beautiful. I am strong. I can do this and I will.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

Mirror, mirror…

…on my wall.  I have had quite a few things on my mind this week. Thoughts that randomly invade my sleep, thoughts that nag at me in the check out line at the grocery store, questions that come to me when I am mid-conversation with someone. I have spent a lot of time reflecting about where I’ve been, how far I have come, and what is next for me on this adventure. I try to face my fears with humor, determination, and a good anxiety med now and then  o-O .  Last week I told you about my need for new bras. I was nervous about going. I  talked to myself from the time I left my morning meeting until late the next afternoon before I bravely ripped off the Band-Aid of fear, plunging headlong into the experience. You know what? It wasn’t as bad as I remembered; maybe I have changed,opened myself up to a new way of being myself. I am down both a cup size and a band size, Yeah!!!!  =  )   =  )  =  )

It is not just my body that is different. I feel different. Happy in a way I have not been happy in a long time. I noticed for the first time this week that my pace while I walk is quicker. I am not so out of breath any more. My feet don’t hurt.  I feel more confident in my ability to choose the right things for myself. I have enough energy to last through my workday and still have enough reserves left to go shopping or take an evening walk or enjoy extra curricular activities{{wink, wink}}. No nap needed =  ) I know there is more work to be done. I just thought I would take a moment to rest, appreciate the wonders I have seen before I continue the climb.

I look in the mirror. I see my smiling face. There is a feeling a self-worth. I am becoming the woman I want to be. Once upon a time I couldn’t see through my tears. I missed the beauty that was right in front of ME! The beauty (inner) has always been there; I just forgot. Life pushed me hard. I lost my balance. I fell down. I thought I would never be better. I got to a point where I was tired of feeling badly about who I was, who I was allowing myself to be.  I stood up to myself and took control. It has been tough on me to accept that my normal means being ever mindful about my mouthfuls; but, I am a big girl and I am learning to adult. I got this. I am doing this. I own this.

 

re·flec·tion(rĭ-flĕk′shən)n

1.The act of reflecting or the state of being reflected.2. Something, such as light, radiant heat, sound, or an image, that is reflected.3.a. Serious thinking or careful consideration: engaged in reflection on the problem. b. A thought or an opinion resulting from such thinking or consideration: wrote down her reflections.4. An indirect expression of censure or discredit: a reflection on his integrity.5. A manifestation or result: Her achievements are a reflection of her courage.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

Once Upon a Time…

when I still believed in magic.

It is Christmas time at my house or should I say apartment? I am very young probably between four and six years old. I am still too young to understand the nuances that come with reality and make believe. I am more than content to take “make believe” at face value and buy it all; hook, line and sinker as Gospel truth. I mean what four or five year old wouldn’t? Santa wouldn’t stand a chance without plausible deniability.

As December ticks off its days my imagination soars. If we have no fireplace how is Santa supposed to get in? Will he bring my “Kenner Give-A-Show Projector” and my baby dolls and popcorn balls? I try to be a good girl and do as I am told. At night my mother plugs in our tree, as I wait for sleep to close my weary eyes I watch the ceiling and the patterns the blinking lights make with the tree. I am happy; my tiny heart filled with joy. I am safe and loved and well cared for. My faith in the intangible magic of Christmas unshakeable.

Sometimes at night if I am restless my mother comes in and warns me that the footsteps I hear faintly above my head belong to one of Santa’s helpers sent to spy on little children. I gasp and try with my grandest of effort to be still. I am too young to see my mother’s mental illness or to know my dad works long hours and odd jobs just to put food on the table. As I look into my mother’s face I see her beauty, her eyes filled with love for us. I see my dad handsome and strong. They are everything to me and my sisters. I still don’t know how Santa got in but he always did. I got all of things I ever wanted. Clothes, boots underwear, art supplies, LPs, cameras, watches, basketballs, dolls, games, oranges, sweets, popcorn balls, silver half dollars, PJs, sleeping bags…

We had many Christmases together as a family. Some were over the top grand, others not so much. We had aunts, uncles and family friends, they were more like family than friends, who chipped in and helped my parents to make Christmas magical. As a child I never saw that part of the people in my life, I just believed everything would be OK. I was even fortunate enough to have a godmother( a fairy godmother; well, to me anyway ). Every Christmas she would bring a special gift just for me.

This is for my parents June and Roger and to everyone I could think to add : Terry, John, Veda, Fran, Charlie, Meredith, Maryann and Roni, Dolly, Mary, Edgar, Cecile, Nap, Bobby, Monica, Sophie Smith, Cleo…

I wrote this to say thank you to all of the people in my life for always being there for me even when I didn’t see.
Thanks for all the magic you enriched my life with. Love is the greatest gift.

Happiest of Holidays