Zero Words

It almost equals the amount of F*@K$ I have to give today. As I sit here I am not feeling any attraction to the word muse. Is it possible I have run out of meaningful things to say? to share? Has my word well run dry? I don’t think so I am just exhausted and aggravated. Have you ever lost a friend? I don’t mean misplace them or leave them somewhere but walked away from, stopped enjoying, did not want them in your space, kind of lost?  I am not sure I ever really considered them as a friend.

I can not meet expectations I know nothing about.WHY AM I SO ANGRY? I’ll tell you why; because they dumped their emotions about my “betrayal” in my lap as if I was the only one participating in the relationship. When shit goes wrong as it sometimes does there is always more than one version of a story. Your version, my version, and, yes, ladies and gentleman, the TRUTH, the Whole Truth and Nothing but the TRUTH.

I am sorry you have anxiety but I am not nor have I ever pretended to be your shrink, or your pacifier or your medication. Own your illness. I own mine, all of them! I make no excuses for myself. I blame NO ONE for how I am. I try everyday to be a better version of myself. Funny how you seem to piss through friends and yet it is NEVER your fault. TOE PICK! Check yourself. I was wrong. I knew better. I refused to see the warning signs of the impending storm. Like a cornered cat you took your chance and lashed out at me. I am sorry I let you down. I will not wait for your apology because as usual you didn’t do anything wrong and one will not be forthcoming. Have a nice life. I will add you to my short list of DO NOT DISTURB, too disturbed ! this one is already too far gone.

Some Days Are Stone

My mother loved John Denver. When she was in the midst of a depressive episode and there were many she would hijack my turntable and play this guys music off the walls. Today is her birthday. Like her favorite song today has been diamonds and stones. My hubby just lost a favorite auntie a few days ago to an illness, my Mom’s Birthday is today and the anniversary of her passing is on the 11th. What a way to roll in, JUNE! I want you to know you are loved and missed. Your kid sister wears you next to her heart everyday in the form of a little butterfly mizpah to honor her love for you. I know she misses your stories and your wisdom. The lottery hasn’t been the same since you left, revenue is down = )

zzz

My birthday wish for you; I hope you truly know happiness, that you enjoy the peace, and that you found Dad when he checked in. He missed you SO much. He loved you with his whole being.

P.S. I ate your piece of cake 8 )

The Empty Hanger

Sometimes I sit here and I feel at odds with myself, my world, my family. I am sure I am a huge NOBODY and what I say or do does not matter in the least to anyone, not even to me, but that is not reality just my anxiety. Do you know what you mean to someone? No guesses, truly know? I am betting that you don’t. I know I haven’t a clue. Every once in awhile if you are very lucky you meet someone that stands out in a crowd, someone that makes a difference to your world, someone that you are happy to know. I always strive to be this person. I want to make an impression you cannot easily walk away from. I want to be someone you remember in a wonderful way. While I am good at expressing myself on this side of the keyboard, in person I often feel awkward and stumbling.  In the privacy of my little office I can organize my thoughts and feelings and type away my fear, anger and frustrations with complete freedom.

I started writing in my youth to help combat my inner demons. My mother battled mental illness her whole life. As a result I grew up believing the worst of myself. Struggling with my worth, my identity, I was GIRL LOST. I have been fighting with myself for so long just trying to be something other than what I think I am. So who am I really? I am someone’s wife. I am someone’s daughter. I am someone’s niece. I am someone’s cousin. I am someone’s aunt. I am someone’s sister. I am someone’s best friend. I am someone’s last hope and someone’s first smile. I AM SOMEONE you will never forget.

Flowers would be nothing without bees. Small and insignificant yet mighty and powerful. DSC_0190I called out of work earlier this week when I returned, a coworker casually told me how she felt when she walked by my desk and noticed my lonely, empty coat hanger keeping watch over my desk. It was only after noticing how empty it looked without me that she felt a sort of sadness over my not being around. I know I looked at her with a measure of wonder. I can never tell her how much that touched my heart. Never underestimate what you mean to the people in and around your life. Bee something wonderful to the flowers in your life = )

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BEE!!!

Darkness

It sneaks up on you. One minute you are enjoying your moments and the next you can feel it creep along your spine, the darkness. I feel my skin pucker from goose pimples in anticipation of the dread that comes with the darkness. I hate mood swings. I fight them off everyday but the closer I get to the start of my cycle the worse they get. The longer they last and the more likely I am to be steps away from feelings of despair and failure. Have you ever had a fight with yourself and lost over something stupid and trivial? Yeah, I hate when I do that to myself too, but; it happens. No one is immune.

On one hand I LOVE being a girl and on other hand I LOATHE being a girl. I am not overly feminine. There are no feathers or fluff (except if I am talking about my waistline) and fashion is nearly foreign to me. I enjoy being female, my thought processes are very girly. I get so jealous if another female looks in my man’s general direction. I love the feel of my man, next to me, in me, with me, loving me. It makes my heart heavy with love that I am more than enough for him, that he finds me beautiful , that he thinks of me as his best BEST friend. He makes me feel like I am sexier than any super model.  He never gripes when I am angry and emotional during my cycle. He is sensitive to my discomfort. He never gives up on me.  He tries to soothe me and I am an asshole to him.

I LOATHE being a girl. It hurts. The shoes are small and I look dumpy in dresses. I hate feeling bloated and my flow tries to kill me every month. Last month I was in bed for two days, brought on by cramping, nausea and heavy bleeding. I wanted to scream but all I could muster were plaintive cries like a tiny kitten who has no idea how to help itself. I hate the world, I hate being alive. I hate that despite our best efforts, all this pain, bleeding and misery never got us any children. I hate that I want to eat everything and anything that might, even if it is for a few minutes, distract me or bring me comfort or happiness. Of course, that never happens. I over eat, over analyze, spend precious time contemplating bullshit I really do not give two shits about. And why? Why do I do this? because I have never been able to walk away from my true nature long enough to effect positive, permanent change. In a few days, I will feel better about myself, our life together and my weight loss efforts after FLO lets go of the hold she has on me.

I get up day after day trying to be a better version of myself. The struggles are real. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel and roll in on myself but there is that small glimmer of hope in me that says, “Don’t give up!” I have been married to the same man for 21 years. I love him today as much as I did that first time I realized I had tripped over something real.

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My Thin…

…Is someone else’s fat.  Not a play on words but the gospel truth. I pretty much took this week off from the weighing, measuring, and giving two Flower pots about mindful eating. I was feeling sorry for myself on Tuesday, no real reason just a foul mood so I have been eating like I just got in a box of fresh rations. Suddenly the light bulb of recognition went off in my head that even though I have lost weight, I am still considered overweight, obese even(from a medical stand point). It frustrates me, so I fought back by not taking care of myself this week! I’ll show me! IMG_20170601_192732 Okay for a while but pity parties are real downers so tonight after one last huzzah I jumped back into the boxcar for the slow ride to The Land of Normal Sizes. There is more work to be done. I have started to think of myself in a new light. I am not fat. I am thinner. Well? I am thinner, than I used to be.

I am in a different space in my head now than I was in the past. I am fully aware of the fact that I alone empower my success or failure. I refuse to give up. I will keep trying. My thin is not your thin and that is ok. I refuse to allow myself to value who I am based on my weight or how I look. I went back to WWs because I wanted to feel healthy again. I wanted to be able to do more than what I have been able to do for myself in a long time.  My headaches are gone. My joints don’t ache as much anymore. My skin is clearer. My moods lighter. I guess my WHYs for losing weight are changing. I need to find new things to focus on so I have something to build into. I am worth all of my efforts good and bad. I know sometimes I am going to give into my bad self and consume mass quantities of junk but I have learned to STOP, REST, and ACCESS, even if it does take me a few days = ).

Commercial break is over. It is time to return to the show….

Never Give UP On Who You Are Meant To Be

Just Wonderful

Whenever someone asks me how I am I always reply, I am just wonderful. Sometimes I mean it the exact way it comes out. I am just? wonderful = (     I am JUST wonderful!   I am just wonderful.  #IAMJUSTWONDERFUL and the truth lies there somewhere within.

I had a great week. I sit here most Friday nights and I update whomever it is sitting on the other side of these words and I recount my headspace. Was I in a good mood? Did I make better choices? How I am feeling emotionally about some of the craziest things in and around my life. Tonight I didn’t feel as if I had anything to say. Hubby and I stop in for supper at our favorite local pizza shop after my blog has been published every Friday. Tonight he made polite inquiries into when I might be ready to go get some “groceries”. He asked me how much longer I might need to finish up and he seemed quite surprised when I informed him I had not yet written ONE SINGLE WORD. He threw me a quizzical look and asked me if I was all right. Of course, I responded, “I am just? wonderful = (  ”

“What’s wrong?”

“I had a really good week food-wise. I don’t know what to write about. Maybe nobody really wants to hear I did ok this week, that I was in a good space and I just enjoyed my life. My blog is supposed to be about my WW struggles”

“I think you found your blog post. Write about doing well.” I frown.

“What if I jinx myself?” My hubby looks at me sideways, “Do you really believe that?”

I guess somewhere on some level my inner child must believe in the power of self-jinxing, why else would I hold onto such a ridiculous idea? Practice something new long enough it becomes a routine or a habit, hopefully a good one. Maybe that’s what is really going on. I have finally accepted this truth for myself; I feel wonderful and I like feeling well. I noticed this week that some old pieces of clothing, t-shirts mostly, that I keep for my “full” days are no longer comfortable to wear. So holding to my new philosophy of ‘if it does not fit, do not keep’, I have four bags of gently loved clothing to donate.

As soon as I took ownership for my well being I began to feel better. I work on being the better version of myself everyday.  #IAMJUSTWONDERFUL  thanks for asking  =  )

Is it okay to admit that I feel amazing? because I do! feel amazing that is ; )

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Learning to be kind to one’s self is the toughest feat

Welcome…

outputto my world! Everything I need, that I have always wanted has always been within my reach. I just didn’t want to believe I could accomplish great things. Why is that? Why do I cast doubts? Why do you? why does anyone for that matter. Why is it easier to accept that someone else will do better, be better?

I wanted to have more weight off by now, instead I am maintaining. I am not bored with my lifestyle change, I am just drained. The soggy Spring and this new interesting journey the medical professionals like to call Menopause has taken me down a road I don’t get much happiness traveling along. I am trying not to give into my own bad self. I like where I am at this moment, on this particular stretch of the journey. I am finding out new and scary things about myself. Like, how I can twist a mood swing in just the right direction causing the airflow to change course and send a cool breeze along regions of my body that have secretly burst into flames (hot flash) ! Ok, maybe not but I have been surprised on more than one occasion by the sudden need to cry over a pet food commercial or the unexpected joy brought on by a silly meme on one of my social media sites from a few days previous. Things I have never entertained ideas of doing I am now making elaborate plans for. Why is that? Because life demands that you take part in it! The ride is intense and doesn’t last nearly long enough.

I guess everyone’s mid life crisis is a work of art.  Life is really a short journey we pack inappropriately for. Never pack sandals to go to a ski resort or wear a parka to the beach. What does that even mean? For me, living in the moment is a great idea but it lacks purpose. I need a focal point, a goal. At the end of my road I want people to remember me as a vibrant, beautiful force of nature who accomplished great things because I refused to give up. I have more things to do, see, dream, cry over and finish. I know tomorrow the scale will be less kind but I am ok with that. I have had a rough week so I paid less attention to WWs and more to myself and my well being.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be