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Friday Night Freedom

I chose quiet over crowds. I chose silence over screaming. I chose to be comfortable in front of my laptop screen unwinding from my work day instead of going to a hockey game tonight with my hubby. I just need a break from all the noise. This is about me making some much needed quiet time for myself. I don’t often talk about what it is that I do for a living to pay my bills, I don’t want to bore the snot out of you. Let’s suffice to say that yes, I am gainfully employed and be done with that messy business. I think I can say with all honesty that we all have the same frustrations in common. I gave up a boring job in a boring department to move onto the bright lights of a job no one had before me. Nothing like jumping out of an airplane without a chute. I always wanted to learn to fly.

I have worked for the same company for just shy of thirty-four years! We are like an old married couple afraid to move on to greener pastures, finding comfort in each others existence but most days the sight of you turns my stomach. Wow! when did this happen you might be wondering? I think somewhere in the late 1990s if I were to wager a guess. But there is something to be said about the sameness of something. There is comfort in routine. I like to think that I am good at what I do. But…sometimes I just want to be an extra in a Hollywood production of “This COULD Be Your Life But It Isn’t” Change my routine, have some fun, think outside the box. When I first started my JOB I was barely nineteen. I often joke with new hires and visitors that when I started my job I was young and beautiful; now, I am just beautiful. The crowd laughs but it always makes me a little sad.

I now belong to that crowd of “not young anymore”. I have been downgraded to the  “matronly” category. Thank the Fountain of Youth gods I haven’t hit the “older than dirt, die or retire” set just yet. Not “old” old just older. I am not having an easy go at it. I feel out of step now. My life is ok, I feel vibrant and alive. It’s just I feel like all the people I work with are so much YOUNGER than I am. Once upon a time I was on their side of the tracks now I live on the dark side. Growing up I loved that Disney movie Freaky Friday but this is ridiculous. Some mornings I do feel like the crypt keeper. People around me ask for my sage advice; while I am honored it kinda bums me out. It bothers me more than I like to admit, must be my “age” hang up. I know I need to find my zone. I need to reacquaint myself with my inner child, find my internal fountain of youth. Maybe I am just suffering with that ‘lack of energy and enthusiasm (lethargy) which can be a sign of winter depression. Known medically as seasonal affective disorder (SAD)’. They actually have a depression syndrome called SAD!  How poetic. Nice that science finally admits that winter makes people sad! About damn time sciency people! About damn time.

I love Maxine. She is my spirit animal. I am already feeling better. I have enjoyed being alone with my thoughts. Time for me to get back into the mainstream of my life.

Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To Be

 

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Janus Man

JanusMeans “archway” in Latin. Janus was the Roman god of gateways and beginnings, often depicted as having two faces looking in opposite directions. The month of January is named for him. January is the month of reflection. We all look back on the year that is leaving and we worry about what is rounding the corner of what will become the new year. I stopped making New Year resolutions before I was out of my teen age years or did I? That is a question I have been chewing on since mid- December. I think my life long resolution remains; be the best version of yourself everyday!

In my heart of hearts I know I am a good person. In the words of Popeye,” I yam what I yam.” Popeye poster I refuse to waste anymore time on the year that has just ended. My life is not a script. There are no re-writes to be handed in, no rehearsals for opening night. This is it kid, your life in glorious Technicolor. I don’t always like the path I am traveling on. I whine. I complain. I cry. I carry around resentment like a toy poodle in a hand bag. I get so sick of myself I want to be anyone but ME. No matter where I try to run I am right there with ME baffled by own stupidity. I have had enough. I will not continue to punish myself for my shortcomings anymore.

I have finally accepted that I actually prefer to eat clean rather than to bog myself down with JUNK. It is okay to be kind to yourself. You are the only copy of the book called This Is Your Life. Below please find the love letter I have in my heart.

Dear Trish,

You have an amazing capacity for love, share it. You are friendly and welcoming to everyone around you; learn to be kinder to yourself. You give everyone else the chance at making things better. Extend the same patience to yourself. A smile and a heart felt compliment does more for a person’s soul than any amount of chocolate. Celebrate all the wonderful things that make up your life. You have great friends. You are loved. You are someone’s everything. Stop under estimating your ability to be the best example of yourself. Embrace who you are, look at where you have come from, make plans to get through the obstacles on your path and play on. You just have to BELIEVE in the power of you. Kudos to you for getting out of bed today = ).

Love….ME

I showed up today. I went out this morning in the gusty winds and drove myself straight to my favorite Saturday morning WWs meeting. I swallowed my pride and stepped onto the crusher of dreams, (key music), the Scale.  Guess what? The world has not ended or stopped turning. I was angry for a few minutes but I have to accept what I have done to myself once again in the guise of “taking a break”, “relaxing” or any of a hundred other excuses I could use. The time has come for me to pull up my Big Girl panties, dust myself off and return to my spot in the grand parade.

I did not enjoy my time away from program as much as I convinced myself I would. I really hate the way craptastic food makes me feel and look. When I stick to my version of the WW program, the things that work the best for me ; ), I am a much happier person. I am more positive in my approach to the world and its human beans. I like myself more. Eating in a healthy way helps me to live a better life for myself and the people in my life.
My road is long and arduous, the scenery (me) beautiful. I am making my journey worth every step I make.
Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be…EVER

Wise on Whys

I am honest. I am real. I try to be true to myself. Sometimes I pitch a fit and I am not kind to myself. I have never been able to figure out why I can’t be my own best friend but I  can’t. I have been trying for so long to accept myself, to like the person I am, and to be at peace with myself that I forget that once upon a time I was all those things. Children are wonderful at knowing who they are. Sadly most of that awesome self acceptance and awareness gets changed by adults who think they know better.

Once upon a time in small town America there lived a little girl with golden hair, a cherub face and a soul filled with the lightness of being. I am cursed with a memory that holds onto useless info as readily as a wrapper holds a candy. With knowledge comes power, sometimes that power is not a good thing. I was a golden child until I started school.I was happy to live in ignorant bliss, public education changed all that. My childhood in a nutshell, before going to school, I was precocious. I asked a lot of questions. I was encouraged to be bright and full of life. With the coming of age I was  required to be educated. Off to school I went, only to find out there were queues to stand in for everything, no one cares if you are bright, no one wants you to be full of life; they want you to be compliant, obedient.

And that’s where all the fun and frustration began…I lost my sense of awe. I stopped wanting to know why.

I have decided that I have had enough of being a jerk to myself. I stopped thinking about my whys. Every time I allow myself to forget my whys I fall flat on my face. One would think that at my age I would be wiseR but I am not. I have always sorted out my feelings by trying to hide them. Why? I have a right to experience how I am feeling yet I try to suppress or deny them. Why? My response to raw emotion is not pretty. I have never learned to find peace in the chaos. I was not allowed to “feel” my way through sadness or stress or anger. I found other coping skills. FOOD:  my lover, my enemy, my friend, my partner in crimes against crumbs.

I have learned many things about myself and this crazy WW program that I try (yes, sometimes I actually try) to live with. Nutella is not my friend neither is any other processed carby junk food which hates me but makes me crave for its attention. I often struggle with my whys. I started obsessing with my being overweight so many years ago now that I am not sure my original reason why is still valid. I have come to a place of understanding that I do not need to be a size 8 to be happy or to be loved or to be friended or valued. I know those things are not my WHYs.

Why do I worry about my whys? What are my whys? Do have any whys? The answer?

I WANT… to be a better example of myself. I WANT…truth over lies. I just WANT to be happy with the person I am and the honest effort I put into being me everyday. No strings, no promises, no bullshit. I WANT…to be able to breathe, to climb a flight of stairs (without going into cardiac arrest), to button jeans [without having to stuff my muffin top into the pockets], to let go of self loathing because hating myself is easier for me than love. I WANT to remember how wonderful it felt being that little girl who knew her whys. I love the way I feel when I eat food I don’t have to be angry about or worry over its negative effect on my health. When I eat/drink the right things I am not thirsty from diabetes. I don’t crave more junk. My moods are better. I like being with me. I am more optimistic in how I approach every single day.

I am over feeling angry about the program changes that have once again tipped my cart over. There are bigger concerns in my world. Today I found the path again that led me back to my WHY.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Updates

What is happening to our internet world? I go off to work, when I come home I find that Microsoft has updated my laptop without first warning me and yup, you guessed it threw my musings into a bin, literally. It took me the better part of two days to locate and restore my missing data. At first I thought I had picked up a virus, really just what every writer who uses a laptop as their medium needs, ERGH! Thank the writing GAWDS it was just an UPDATE!  Just as I got things back into some semblance of an order, Google did a thing with their drive !UPDATE ALERT! and I find myself once again chasing missing info.

I have missed you. Yes, it is true = ) don’t be embarrassed. I find peace sitting at my keyboard sharing myself, fears, wishes, dreams with someone who hears me. I went to my WWs meeting last week and I actually managed to lose a few pounds. WWs  corporate has reinvented the wheel and now EGGS are FREE ! Chicken breast, turkey breast, beans are FREE ! Yeah right and I am Ginger from Gilligan’s Island .

Ginger2 NOT!

Surprise people!!!! Foods you eat are not free. Some foods are packed with better nutritional value than other foods that doesn’t make them free! I came home filled with angst not joy. I have been angry all week. In the guise of freeness WWs has taken away points. I am pretty sure the small weight loss I had last week has packed its bags and moved  itself into my hips.

I know in my heart of hearts that if I walk away from this program I will return to it heavier than when I left. Stress eating you are the bane of my existence. Christmas time never stops being stressful. All the parties you “have to” go to, all the money you spend, all the BS of the prep work for a day most people have forgotten the true meaning for.

I know in time (when my clothes are choking me) I will work the program again. Right now I am just not feeling it. I just want to sleep until Spring. I am tired. I want to be ready to tackle this with all of my best efforts, right now it’s not what I am doing. I am at this party wanting to be anywhere else. I am not ready to embrace this new “FREE” food idea. Maybe tomorrow…

 

Piss and Moan Club…

…T shirts are now available in the main lobby. Thank you for shopping at Get Over Yourself and have a pleasant day.

I have been feeling sorry for myself since June, maybe earlier. I have not been willing to address what is bothering me. I guess until now, Thanksgiving of all times, ironic much? Maybe it is just that I know I am hitting those magic years of menopause. I cry now for no real reason. That’s a new feeling for me. Almost like passing gas but I get no relief. Some days I feel like a gigantic sack of nonspecific, unwanted sorrow. I have been withdrawn, moody and aggravated. If a were a six year old I would have been given a nap and pep talk but I am not six. I always come to the same spot in my journey. I can’t seem to get over this bump in the road. I WON’T allow myself to go over the bump. This path I am struggling to follow would be a lot easier if I would just hear that tiny voice in my soul that says, “you’ve got this. Believe in who you are!” I was watching a movie the other day, Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief, and it got me thinking. I couldn’t help but feel maybe dieting is like this story line. I have allowed things in my life to steal my lightning. Maybe I have let too many things keep me from my goals. All it takes is one Lotus flower, or something else equally distracting and I leave my path. So I have been asking myself why? Why do I keep avoiding myself?

The thing is I want to be healthy not tiny. I have spent most of my adult years chasing some ideal I don’t really need or want. I hate to say this, but you know I am going to, I think I finally figured out how to be better to myself; by just DOING IT. I need to eat healthier for me not some bullshit ideal I have let fester in my mind all these years. I am not embarrassed my by size. The lies I have told myself repeatedly over the years are just that lies. Things like,” you are unlikely to succeed or I won’t ever be happy or loved or”… a million other peace stealing notions. The time has come for me to just be satisfied with the person I know I am, because I am okay just the way I am.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !!

Minute by Minute

What!?! Today was one of those days. You know the kind of day I am talking about. Everyone you talk to or run into is in a mood. C’mon people Monday happens every week. By now you should know what to expect but somehow some of you are still surprised by what you have left over or left undone from Friday. No need to be grumpy! That is why we have Tuesdays!

I had my own pile of craptastic things to deal with today not to mention I forgot how HANGRY I can get when I am trying to make my next “first” week back the most amazing week ever! All day today I was entertaining the feed thoughts. Someone would comment on the time, I would be thinking, “I need something crunchy and salty”. I was at a meeting I swear I could smell roasted chicken. Thoughts of stuffing my face just as soon as I walked into the house from work. No I didn’t, I had coffee. Yeah, disappointed too but I promised myself I would get back to me and so I am struggling but I am TRYING to do better and that has to count for something…I don’t know? maybe a cookie? No I am just joking.

Getting back into the swing of things sometimes means minute by minute conversations with myself about my whys. whyMy whys can change daily.  One thing remains constant my desire to do better for myself because I am worth the work.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Circle

Round and round, circular logic is the toughest thing to break free from. I talk myself out of and into the same situation ten times in a day. Why is it so flippin’ difficult to get back onto the path of eating better food to feel better? The older I get the more I find myself asking why? Why do I want THIS? Do I need to do this to myself over and over and over? I always walk away from my success. I came very close to walking away again but I am hanging on. I have been thinking about the whys and the wants and the needs of my path all week.

I am not going to walk away from the better version of myself this time. I have finally learned (the eating better, moving more, feeling alive, being happy) this is what I have wanted to be a part of my whole life. Sometimes a person has to get lost so they can find their way back home. I was in a weird { HEY! I notice you have wrinkles and grey hair} FUNK. I did not want to own the facts of who I am versus who I think I am or who I am sure I will become. I fell into the trap of being upset over something I have no control over. I stressed myself out because I no longer have that “Feck You I am 25” look . Now I am becoming that part of the OLDER crowd at gatherings and birthday parties. No one wants me to sit at the kids’ table anymore. Quite frankly that pisses me off. I mean who wants to sit with the old fogies? Not me! but the truth is I kind of sort of belong to that section of the orchestra now.

I wanted to grow into an elegant beauty like Lena Horne. Yup, you guessed it not gonna happen. Not with the neck wattle I am melting into. Lena Hornechicken-live3-1Dreams shatter like glass on a sidewalk. Sweep up the mess, move on.