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You Are My Obsession…

I sit here at my laptop week after week. I spill my heart out all over the place. I never tell anyone the whole truth just the parts I think you might want to look at. How do I always find myself back at the one place I loathe? I am filled with dread. I have to learn to stop being my favorite subject. I am obsessed with myself and what is wrong? with me. Look at me. Let’s talk about me. I am sad. I am angry, I am…, I am…

REALITY CHECK blogging can be very one-sided; sometimes the truth is that I don’t want to talk about me.

Enough!

It is time for me to do other things with my free time. Something constructive instead of destructive. I went back to the YWCA. I purchased a membership for a 13 week run. Today I went to the gym to get a schedule and register. I walked around the place to see what has changed. More than a few years ago (2008) I joined the Y and went to aqua aerobic classes with Mrs. Cooper. She was a great friend to me. I got a little teary eyed today in the locker room remembering how much we laughed, how much fun we had. She was a sweet soul. I really miss her. She changed my life in so many ways. She helped me to believe in myself.You don’t need to be aware that your kindness changes another human being for the better; just be happy in the knowledge that you can make a difference just by being YOU.

I left the Y feeling like I am now going in the right direction. I need to get back to taking better care of myself. I did not try this Summer to be an honest WW. I allowed myself to bend the rules. I stopped doing everything that helps me to be successful. I am ready now for the next leg of my life journey. I got this!

I would also like to clarify something for my fellow WWs. Never be embarrassed about weight that you have “reclaimed”. Everyday that you are given is a chance to learn something new and wonderful about yourself. Learn to forgive yourself. You can give up or you can get up. It is your choice and your choice alone. Some days I don’t want to adult either but eventually I return to myself, my dreams, my hopes for a better day because I AM WORTH it.

Never Give Up ON The Person You Are Meant To BE! See you at the pool!

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F

As in what the F, as in there are so many wonderful words and thoughts that start with F. Lately I have been feeling F’d up. I am not liking it too much. Sometimes I let my world get to me. My job, my marriage, my friends, my WWs program…suffer. I am what is “OFF” in each of these situations. I let my emotional baggage get in the way of a great time. I start doubting myself. I start questioning my values and then like little tin soldiers all of the areas of my life line up for me to knock down or find fault with.

I stopped paying attention. I stopped caring. I stopped wanting! I allowed myself to bend the rules {just this once I promise ; )} and well, we all know what happens when you walk away from a path without a map. You get LOST! I just want to know peace. I want to accept that the life I lead, is the life that I lead. I am enough. I am loved. I am wanted. I have friends. I know joy. I know I am needed. I know I am capable of being so much more if only I would allow myself to let go of the anger, hurt and disappointment I keep in the quiet recesses of my soul for when I am feeling vulnerable and afraid.

SO…I did a crazy thing yesterday, I bought a groupon to my local gym. I missed my WW meeting on Saturday so I could skip off to Gloucester, MA to do touristy things. I had a grand time with excellent company but let’s face it I need to climb back on this teeter-totter life of mine and drag myself kicking and screaming to my goal. There is no more TRY there is only DO. I am worth this journey. No one gets to the finish line of life without scars. I plan on (my life story) telling an amazing tale of how girl lost became woman found.

Stay tuned, watch for the changes, hang on! This ride sometimes gets bumpy and comes with unexpected curves. Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be, I’m not = )

Exercising should be interesting. Check back here for the injured reserve list and other interesting sports injuries I am sure will pop up. Tune in next week when I begin questioning my…

Dry Dock

wp-image-945033384drawbridge : a bridge made to be raised up, let down, or drawn aside so as to permit or hinder passage — see castle illustration.

Sounds like my WWs journey only I am the one in control of the bridge; well, sometimes. I get frustrated and angry just like the next person. If I am not careful I let those negative feelings control the bridge. Lately I have been throwing myself closer and closer to the moat which is filled with tar and other oozy disgusting things that no living creature can tolerate; because I am sad, because I am frustrated, because I have been fighting with my self, over the reality that my efforts to get anywhere and stay there needs to be a lifelong pursuit and not a casual existence. I wanted the fairy tale of weight loss. It starts out as a really good story, has a few plot twists and some heart wrenching moments but in the end Hollywood sweeps in and gives the audience what they so desperately need; a HAPPY ENDING! Real life struggles, however, don’t always come with a predicted happy ending even when you put in all the work.

I am a book that has too many chapters with the same plot device. I am getting tired of the same storyline year after year. A bad soap opera that people only tune into because they are in love with the lead character. I have decided that I will not be taking anymore seflies. Some old lady trolls mine…I see her looking at me over my shoulder. Where did my youth go? Only the young self absorbed should be into taking pics of themselves, time hasn’t wrinkled their self esteem yet. There are no grey hairs making themselves at home on their head. I think I have moved into the “older” generation category. The time has come for me to be in the background of my life and not in front of some silly lens, desperate to capture my soul as it parades a smile.

I am cranky now, I think it is time for my nap.  Quite frankly it pisses me off. See? Cantankerous is creeping on me now.

 

 

Cat and Mouse

from Wikipedia… “a contrived action involving constant pursuit, near captures, and repeated escapes.” the story of my life…smh

Have I ever told that I am a diabetic? No? Well, that might be because I have always felt that was a private issue. I often worry I reveal way too much of myself here but isn’t that the reason why I started blogging in the first place? Let out all of my thoughts, my fears, empty my emotional baggage in an attempt to know peace?  As far back as I can remember I have been overweight. I have allowed myself to self-bully over it since forever ago. I set all of my value on my appearance or the lack of a Hollywood one.

I have been chasing “the perfect Diet” since I was ten years old. Cat and mouse, mouse and cat, who’s chasing who?icebox Who wins? Who loses? Not me. I know better. I know I am loved by everyone in my life, except by ME the one who matters the most in this relationship with the world. All because a long time ago before I learned how to reason like an adult someone crushed my soul by comparing me to someone I wasn’t. “Oh, why can’t you be like…” If I had been the person I am now I would have told that well meaning aunt to PISS OFF. I am not, nor will I ever be, anything more than who I already am. This aunt used to snide remark me all the time because I was “bigger” than my sisters. I still am by almost six whole inches. What this aunt meant was that I was heavier; therefore, I was of less value. “No one wants a fat wife.” “Girls are supposed to be thin and beautiful.” “You don’t need seconds” Seriously? The first time I ever remember throwing up because of eating anxiety was at her house.

My aunt was wrong. I have been married for over twenty years to a man who married me at my heaviest weight. You DON”T have to be THIN to be beautiful!  Lastly, there is nothing wrong with wanting seconds. Know your limits! Nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels!

We are all only young once, at ten years old life should be about being a child.  Instead I started obsessing about food. Why it makes me happy. Why it makes me angry. Why I love sweet vs savory. I was not diabetic in my youth. Like millions of Americans, I have adult onset or Type 2, (IMHO) poor diet in youth can equal Karma with needles later in adulthood. I have been very fortunate with my Type 2 as mine is essentially controlled by maintaining a healthy weight; which is usually accomplished by adopting healthy EATING habits!!! I take a pill every night before bed and for the most part I am doing well. I have used medication for my condition for nearly twenty years. I used to take the max dosage allowable by pill. My next stop would have been needles and all of the business that goes with that lifestyle but I chose to step away from mistreating myself with food and embrace my well-being. I am; however, not prefect and occasionally I forget where I am in the world, what I am trying to accomplish and I go on a bender. Willy Wonka has nothing on me.WonkaThere are always consequences for the choices we make. I chose to make some bad choices while on vacation. I had FUN oooooooooooooooooooooooh but  I made myself sick.  I got caught up in a very serious game of Cat and Mouse. I am getting way too old to keep falling for the same one liners but fall I do and usually very hard.

I want my life to be about other things. I want to write about other things. Vacation was great but now it is time for me to get back in line and return to the rank and file. The rest of my life is waiting in the wings. I have more to accomplish before I can feel like I am where I need to be.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

 

Two WEEKS

I have been employed at the same company for 33 years. In all of that time I have only once before taken two weeks of vacation together. Once in the honeymoon stage of my employment before year seven and then this vacation. All I can say is WOW! Hubby and I have always resisted doing a two week stint because it is so tough mentally to get back into the swing of the early morning rise again and the bust your hump (him, not me) of a physically demanding the job. We both work for the same company, and yes, that is how we met = ) .

Have you ever had a vacation filled with UNPLANS? An unplan is pretty self explanatory. I can honestly tell you that not having any premade plans to go anywhere or do anything drives me to distraction but this year I embraced the unplan. This past year has been a time of transition for me. I have been struggling emotionally about life without my Dad. My hubby lost a favorite auntie and I a cousin, one of the cool kids. All unplans. All things I didn’t plan for or expect. Why is it when someone you love dies you feel like you are treading the outer rim of a whirlpool? Gaining speed as you spin around and around not really going anywhere but desperately trying not to get sucked into the center! whirlpool

On this vacation I finally let go of the panic. I am made of stronger things. After one more go around I found the safest spot at which to exit and now I am happy to report I am back on course. It is not our loved ones who have died that suffer the loss; it is the ones who are left behind on the shores of uncertainty that have to figure out how to be happy again, live their own lives, be the person they are meant to be. I learned so much from my parents about the kind of person I want to be, that I AM!  My Dad taught me never to give up, to never back down from a challenge, and never settle for anything done poorly. He taught how to drive, to laugh, to whistle and sing. He taught me how to love with my soul wide open. My Mom taught me patience, kindness, poetry. She taught me that not every soul is beautiful but if you look hard enough there is beauty. Orphaned as a child all she ever wanted was to be loved. I wish she knew how much she WAS LOVED but sometimes no matter how much you try to convey to someone special that they are indeed loved the more unworthy they feel.

I enjoyed this vacation. I went on a crazy adventure with my BFF. I spent so many days away from the kitchen that right about now a meal made with love is all that I am craving. I stepped away from my WWs program. I am totally Okay with that =  ) if you want perfect you have stopped at the wrong address. Life is in the living! I enjoyed spending quiet, unrushed time with my hubster. I even made him go on an adventure!  All these years and we still like each other! Love is a amazing isn’t it? ❤

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We have already decided that next year will are going to take two consecutive weeks off again. The peace was worth it.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

More or Less?

Will you love me less if there is MORE of me? I just turned 53,four days ago. My birthday, as usual, became bigger than itself. It was a fine morning. The sun was out, the humidity low and the temperatures perfect for whatever might come around the corner. I am terrible about making plans that have any value or consistency to them. Might have a plan is probably a better term for what I have rolling around in my head about anything I “MIGHT” want to do or any place I “MIGHT” want to go. This birthday I was out of bed fairly early. I was up and moving around the house perfectly happy. I know, right? who is this chick? but it is true. Hubby and I had not made any solid plans but we were going to hit the bookstore, grab some lunch, maybe go for a drive.

We were just finishing up our morning chores when the lights went out. At first I thought hubby had just turned off the TV in a preemptive strike so we wouldn’t leave it on when we walked out of the house to start our day. I called out to him from our second bathroom,” Honey? did you just shut off the TV?”
I was listening to the news as I was cleaning the cat’s litter pan. A truly thankless disgusting job but I love my cat so…

“No. I think the lights went out!” He yelled back.

“Wait, what? I can’t hear you!” I walk out of the bathroom around the corner to his office. “You know, I think the lights went out!” It is 10:38 am.

He looks at me like someone just struck a match in a dimly lit hallway, ” Yes, Trish, brilliant.”

“Well, I thought maybe you were just being a butthead because I wasn’t ready to leave yet. I guess not, sorry.” Another look. One I don’t need to explain here. Let’s just say I got the drift he was annoyed. He never calls me names. My bad.

He looked up our electric company’s customer service number on his cell. “Call these jerks and let them know there is a power outage.”
We all know how customer service work. NO HUMAN ever interacts with you. This factor alone is enough to drive people crazy. All people really want is the knowledge that someone has heard them. Listen to me, hear what I say.
An automated response came over my cell. “There is a power outage in your area of a undetermined cause. Crews have been dispatched to your area. Service should be restored around 11:30 am, sorry for any inconvenience this may cause you.”

Now do you believe that MY BIRTHDAY is pursuing a vendetta against me? Hubby and I survived. We had no lights until after 7 pm. No cable or internet until almost 11 pm. A few houses down on the same side of the street from our little abode an Oak tree decide it had nothing left to live for and fell over intact. There was no loud cracking. There was no active storm or high winds. The tree simply came up, root system pulled neatly out of the ground as if the Gods on high were pulling carrots from their vegetable gardens for a snack. Maybe the Gypsy Moth caterpillars did it. Those little buggers have been plentiful the last few weeks. They love OAK trees, well, at least their leaves.

As anyone can imagine there were service trucks up and down our street working feverishly to restore our “lifestyle”. Hubby and I had no choice but to spend most of the day out and about doing chores and eating lunch and supper away from home. So of course, I used this as my ULTIMATE EXCUSE to allow myself to wallow in my anger and make poor food choices on purpose, which brings me to my point; would you love me less if there were MORE of me? We all know the answer. No one who truly loves you cares if you are a tiny slip of a thing or someone with curves = ). I am loved. My hubby loves me. All of me. He always has. He still does. It is me that has the problem with self. He has always been more concerned that I am well, that my health is okay.

I go to WWs for me. I also go for him because he loves me. I know that I am a much better, happier person when I go. When I take ownership of my food addiction life is just better. The journey moves forward. Someday I hope I am wise enough to stay on the right path for my better well being everyday. This is the story of my life. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant TO BE.

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I LOVE US Still  = )

 

Tantrum VS Truth

Welcome to this heavy weight battle for the championship of self-esteem. In this corner sporting cute Batman shorty pajamas and a new attitude: Truth.  Tough to beat, harder to fight… And in this corner Tantrum wearing an ice cream stained t-shirt and a pair of cutoffs. Her style is messy and unpredictable. Winner, winner chicken dinner? Again!?! with the groceries? Really?

This is proving to be an epic battle of the wills. Will I make healthy choices? Will I eat an entire container of Nutella? Will I keep going to WWs? If you are to buy into the WW weigh(pun)of life they try to make you believe that you can eat anything as long as you figure out the points. *TRUTH ALERT* yeah, not really. Right now I am eating cheese ravioli with cheese sauce, ground beef and hot sausage, because I LIKE IT. Following WWs I can have THIS but in order to fit it into program I should only smell {{{sniff, sniff}}} this and eat something else. Not going to happen. I know there will be no weight loss this week for me. (TANTRUM)

I was fighting the good fight. I was losing weight. I was working hard; and then just like that [snap of my fingers] I stopped. I want to set a goal for myself. I know I need to stop fecking’ around and find my exercise path. I need to re-examine my whys. [TRUTH]

I have allowed myself to fall back into the comfort of being disorganized, unprepared, worn out and worn down. I have been lying to myself that it is okay to overeat all of the tasty foods I can no longer have. All this time and I still fall for all of my old tricks. (TANTRUM)

I know I feel so much more alert and healthy when I make good choices. I am able to do so much more with my day when I am actively taking part in my health. I am a happier person. I enjoy being around the people in my life. I enjoy Feeling Good[TRUTH]

Why do I keep fighting with myself over my same disappointments? (TANTRUM)

What do I really want? I want to walk away from all the crap I have layered across my path. I want to embrace the peace I know I have in my life. I need to trust myself. I know what I am doing; I know what I need to do to be successful. I can do this.[TRUTH]

Bored, deprived, hungry, angry, disappointment…all excuses(TANTRUM)

No one is going to make me do this. I have to figure this it out on my own.
Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be. I’m not [TRUTH] = )