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Just Wonderful

Whenever someone asks me how I am I always reply, I am just wonderful. Sometimes I mean it the exact way it comes out. I am just? wonderful = (     I am JUST wonderful!   I am just wonderful.  #IAMJUSTWONDERFUL and the truth lies there somewhere within.

I had a great week. I sit here most Friday nights and I update whomever it is sitting on the other side of these words and I recount my headspace. Was I in a good mood? Did I make better choices? How I am feeling emotionally about some of the craziest things in and around my life. Tonight I didn’t feel as if I had anything to say. Hubby and I stop in for supper at our favorite local pizza shop after my blog has been published every Friday. Tonight he made polite inquiries into when I might be ready to go get some “groceries”. He asked me how much longer I might need to finish up and he seemed quite surprised when I informed him I had not yet written ONE SINGLE WORD. He threw me a quizzical look and asked me if I was all right. Of course, I responded, “I am just? wonderful = (  ”

“What’s wrong?”

“I had a really good week food-wise. I don’t know what to write about. Maybe nobody really wants to hear I did ok this week, that I was in a good space and I just enjoyed my life. My blog is supposed to be about my WW struggles”

“I think you found your blog post. Write about doing well.” I frown.

“What if I jinx myself?” My hubby looks at me sideways, “Do you really believe that?”

I guess somewhere on some level my inner child must believe in the power of self-jinxing, why else would I hold onto such a ridiculous idea? Practice something new long enough it becomes a routine or a habit, hopefully a good one. Maybe that’s what is really going on. I have finally accepted this truth for myself; I feel wonderful and I like feeling well. I noticed this week that some old pieces of clothing, t-shirts mostly, that I keep for my “full” days are no longer comfortable to wear. So holding to my new philosophy of ‘if it does not fit, do not keep’, I have four bags of gently loved clothing to donate.

As soon as I took ownership for my well being I began to feel better. I work on being the better version of myself everyday.  #IAMJUSTWONDERFUL  thanks for asking  =  )

Is it okay to admit that I feel amazing? because I do! feel amazing that is ; )

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Learning to be kind to one’s self is the toughest feat

Welcome…

outputto my world! Everything I need, that I have always wanted has always been within my reach. I just didn’t want to believe I could accomplish great things. Why is that? Why do I cast doubts? Why do you? why does anyone for that matter. Why is it easier to accept that someone else will do better, be better?

I wanted to have more weight off by now, instead I am maintaining. I am not bored with my lifestyle change, I am just drained. The soggy Spring and this new interesting journey the medical professionals like to call Menopause has taken me down a road I don’t get much happiness traveling along. I am trying not to give into my own bad self. I like where I am at this moment, on this particular stretch of the journey. I am finding out new and scary things about myself. Like, how I can twist a mood swing in just the right direction causing the airflow to change course and send a cool breeze along regions of my body that have secretly burst into flames (hot flash) ! Ok, maybe not but I have been surprised on more than one occasion by the sudden need to cry over a pet food commercial or the unexpected joy brought on by a silly meme on one of my social media sites from a few days previous. Things I have never entertained ideas of doing I am now making elaborate plans for. Why is that? Because life demands that you take part in it! The ride is intense and doesn’t last nearly long enough.

I guess everyone’s mid life crisis is a work of art.  Life is really a short journey we pack inappropriately for. Never pack sandals to go to a ski resort or wear a parka to the beach. What does that even mean? For me, living in the moment is a great idea but it lacks purpose. I need a focal point, a goal. At the end of my road I want people to remember me as a vibrant, beautiful force of nature who accomplished great things because I refused to give up. I have more things to do, see, dream, cry over and finish. I know tomorrow the scale will be less kind but I am ok with that. I have had a rough week so I paid less attention to WWs and more to myself and my well being.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Reign, rein, rain

Reign  : to rule over
Rein    : a restraining influence, power to direct or determine
Rain    : condensed moisture of the atmosphere falling visibly in separate drops. A large or overwhelming quantity of things that fall or descend.

I HATE rain. Listen, I know it is good for the earth, the soil, flowers… blah, blAH, BLAH! It washes away the bird poop on my Jeep, the earth worms are swimming in it, and my socks are wet.  Thank the higher being for RAIN! Well, if you don’t mind;  Hell, even if you do mind, I will sit this round out. The sky cries and I want to cry right along with it. How is it that I have gotten to this golden age of I should know better and yet I find myself struggling today to make the good choices. I wanted to sleep today for the entire day but… life has needs.

I feel like I am in a Snickers Bar® commercial. Crabby and out of sorts. Unhappy and argumentative.

So… I ate but I wasn’t hungry for food. I am hungry for satisfaction. When will I be satisfied will what I have, with who I am? with the man I married? WHEN? There will never be a singing career, there will be no fantastic voyages, there will never be any children. Once upon a time I had big dreams of being more than the small insignificant life I lead. All gone like dust in the wind… I wonder if anyone else ever feels this sad when it is raining. Or is it just me?

To go outside I need to wrap myself in plastic wrap to avoid the unavoidable soggy that will invade every available warm dry spot. My hair will curl and frizz, my mood sinks lower and lower. I know in the place where I keep my truths I am in that lovely phase right before my cycle. I become a roller coaster of emotion. Medical professionals call them mood swings. Trust me when I warn you there are days I have to be careful not to swing at your head with a metal folding chair. I know in three to five days this level of sadness will dissipate and I will once again be Fragging Happy Poppins, Mary Poppins’ crazed half sibling, but until then I can’t stand myself or the rain or people.

Rant Over

What should I learn from this? Weather does not really reign over how I am feeling about myself or life. It is just a convenient excuse for me. I alone have the power to rein in how I handle my emotions and last but still overwhelming; my hatred for rain has not diminished one skosh since childhood. I was having several bad moments so I decided to make them into a frosted cupcake, lesson learned, mischief managed. MOVE ON!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Sunshine

Every morning during my work week I get out of bed before 5 am. I gather the things I need for my shower. I waltz into the kitchen and start the coffee. I bring my stuffs into the bathroom. I try to float around in the quietness between my husband’s sleep sounds and our cat’s need for immediate attention. She is a bit of a diva and can become quite loud if I fail to pay attention to her before I get into the shower. I love my mornings. It is the only time of day I am completely alone with my thoughts. I turn on my laptop, I begin to think about my day. I look forward to Friday. I needed Friday afternoon to come early this week but it rolled along following its own schedule as usual. I am tired. My feet hurt. I want the beauty of Spring, her gentle warming breezes and the way her foliage brings the smile out of an otherwise gloomy day.

Sometimes the sunshine we so desperately need comes from the people in our lives. Last night hubster and I stepped away from our usual Thursday night adventures and went to a hockey event. There have been far too many tears from me lately and not enough things to smile about. I wasn’t looking forward to being a part of a “hockey family” again. I have been enjoying the peace of FREE TIME. I did not want to go to this event but love sometimes requires us to partake in things as a show of support for something our loved ones are mad for. So loving my hubster, I drove him to be with his hockey peeps.

The smile of recognition from a face across the room tells me she is glad I came to the event. We make small talk. I congratulate her on her new grand baby. I think his name is wonderful and a strong indicator that he will do grand things with his life. I mean this. I tell her I am happy that she and her husband have bought season tickets for the upcoming season. She tells me is happy to see me. She tells me she loves reading my blog. My heart melts…and swells with pride at the same instant. How can I ever tell her what those little words of sunshine mean to me?

Sunshine needs no introduction. We have all felt her warmth, her vibrancy. Happy to be by her side; we miss her when she is gone. We write songs in her honor and poems extolling her virtues. Sometime friends are the sunshine you have been longing for. Lately I have been searching for my happy.

Last night I found it. Thank you for being the ray of sunshine I needed.

Should I be Good?

Should I be bad? Don’t be a fool you fool.

Right now, as I sit to write this it is 9:20 pm I haven’t the slightest idea what I am in the mood to talk about. There has been exactly ZERO important thoughts or events or moments this week. Can it be? that my life has hit the BLAH ZONE? That lovely time of year after Winter has been put to bed but before Spring has emerged from the shower? I think I have the BLAHs. Winter has been so, well , I don’t really have a cool word for it so let’s just go with cruddy. I haven’t lost any real weight but on the flip side I haven’t really gained any real weight so I am happy. Not a word one hears much from a career “dieter” sorry WWS but that’s what I am or at least it is how I always viewed myself until recently.

I have come to the Plain of Acceptance, that low lying area of grass where we set up the lawn furniture every Spring. Time to face the facts there are some things about me that I will never be able to change or unknow or unsee or unbreak.  I used to fight against the wind but now I like to set my kite to the current that will carry me somewhere I want to be. I have formed some new friendships while being wise enough to let others go. I am really starting to enjoy being healthier.  I am the choices I make. My life is happy and peace filled because I make it this way. Life is not easy. It is filled with pain and tears and disappointments but it is also filled with love and music and laughter. It is up to us what we want to fill our lives with. For too many years I let mine be filled with the sadness I didn’t want to have. Ignoring something doesn’t make it smaller or cause it to go away I have found that the harder I try to ignore something or not deal with an issue the LARGER it becomes and the larger I become.

Here’s the thing, I don’t have the answers. I have been chasing after answers since I was twelve and felt the first pangs of not fitting in, of being different, of not feeling comfortable in my own skin; and I am just done with it. I don’t want the answers anymore. I don’t need to know. I no longer care if I don’t “fit” in. I like being a misfit. It’s who I am, it’s what I do  = )

Life is the journey we are all on together = ) Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be

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The Ripple

If you are very fortunate in life there are people who “get” you. My personal list happens to be on the short side. My life’s path has been blessed by many people, and yes, some of you have been really lovely but let’s be honest most of you don’t  “get” me. The pool of people in my life (people that I hold near and dear to my heart and soul) is rather small. I have never been quite sure if  I can attribute that to my unwillingness to meet new people or to the fact that most people are too judgmental and hurtful. Recently this pool of mine has lost some members. There was no lapse in coverage or a failure to renew. Their life cycles just stopped spinning.

Now, even though it is not true, I feel like I am spinning all alone. My cousin Mike was a kind, unique human being; and just like a flash of lightning he is gone.  Once again I find myself in the place of regrets, with thoughts unspoken and deeds undone. How did our lives end up on opposite shores? How do I tell you how much you have always meant to me? I can’t.  I can only hold onto my belief that somehow you know how golden we once were, before life and dreams of adulthood separated our paths. You will always live in my heart where I hold onto all the wonderful things from my life. You always made me laugh. You always listened when I was certain no one heard.  You were more than a ripple in the wave of my life. I owe you more than I can ever pay forward. You were one of the reasons I learned to fly. I hope you know that you are loved. I will forever miss you. Rock the Heavens. Lord knows they could use better music.

A ripple seems like a small thing until you realize how big its impact is. Be the ripple in the waves of someone’s life. wave

 

I Call Your Name

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I swear sometimes I can hear the granola whispering in the cupboard. I am an impulse snack buyer/try-er(which left unwatched becomes a dangerous game of cat and mouse) I write out a shopping list every week. Mine has all the usual and customary items: coffee, milk, yogurt,cookies,(can’t blame a girl for hoping) you know things you need; toilet paper, toothpaste, laundry soap,cookies, fruit, veggies, etc. I make a list before I leave to cut down on my cruise controlling while I am in the store. I look through weekly flyers for the grocery stores I am partial to going to. I try to set myself up to succeed in my efforts so that when I stroll through the doors in the early morning hours of Saturday to get weighed in I will feel confident knowing that I did my damned best to be a success.

Sometimes I swear the granola is whispering in the cupboard to the peanut butter about starting a revolt. I stopped buying smooth PB because he tempted me too much. Now I am dating his cousin PB2. He 2 is smooth but quieter and I am in a much better relationship with him than I ever was with his cousin. Amen for the quiet guys{wink}!

I was just thinking, ” you know it’s too bad someone couldn’t invent powdered chocolate…” and of course, dumbass! cocoa is powdered CHOCOLATE. I swear the granola is plotting, either that or I am sleep(cookie)deprived. It is way past my bedtime. Note to self: in the morning send the granola packing, things are not working out between us and the time has come for us to meet others who are healthier for our well being. Its been real but you have to go now.

Good night