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Piss and Moan Club…

…T shirts are now available in the main lobby. Thank you for shopping at Get Over Yourself and have a pleasant day.

I have been feeling sorry for myself since June, maybe earlier. I have not been willing to address what is bothering me. I guess until now, Thanksgiving of all times, ironic much? Maybe it is just that I know I am hitting those magic years of menopause. I cry now for no real reason. That’s a new feeling for me. Almost like passing gas but I get no relief. Some days I feel like a gigantic sack of nonspecific, unwanted sorrow. I have been withdrawn, moody and aggravated. If a were a six year old I would have been given a nap and pep talk but I am not six. I always come to the same spot in my journey. I can’t seem to get over this bump in the road. I WON’T allow myself to go over the bump. This path I am struggling to follow would be a lot easier if I would just hear that tiny voice in my soul that says, “you’ve got this. Believe in who you are!”  I was watching a movie the other day, Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief, and it got me thinking. I couldn’t help but feel maybe dieting is like this story line. I have allowed things in my life to steal my lightning.  Maybe I have let too many things keep me from my goals. All it takes is one Lotus flower, or something else equally distracting and I leave my path. So I have been asking myself why? Why do I keep avoiding myself?

The thing is I want to be healthy not tiny. I have spent most of my adult years chasing some ideal I don’t really need or want. I hate to say this, but you know I am going to, I think I finally figured out how to be better to myself; by just DOING IT. I need to eat healthier for me not some bullshit ideal I have let fester in my mind all these years. I am not embarrassed my by size. The lies I have told myself repeatedly over the years are just that lies. Things like,” you are unlikely to succeed or I won’t ever be happy or loved or”… a million other peace stealing notions. The time has come for me to just be satisfied with the person I know I am, because I am okay just the way I am.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !!

 

 

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I often forget, well, I don’t really forget I get complacent and take for granted all of the things I am grateful for. I had a terrific weekend. I went to a parade in Plymouth MA with a friend. It was a lovely day. A little windy but bright and inviting. I sang to the breakfast crowd at Will & Co. Café. I have a habit of breaking out into song in the oddest of places but I was loving life and I wanted to share my joie de vivre.

My friends (the people I love most in this world) allow me the indulgence to be. I am pretty sure that I have never expressed my gratitude adequately enough. I apologize. You are everything wonderful to me.  I am so lucky to have you in my life. Family is sometimes made up of people you are not related to but who you can relate to.

In recent years I have lost my sister, my mom, my dad; me, but in a different way. It’s  difficult to be thankful. I spent so many years feeling trapped by the constraints of family and its obligations that I never put much thought into what would become of my world when these minor inconveniences were no longer of my daily life. Being part of a family is tough not being part of a family is tougher. I now know what it feels like to get invited to a party where I am the only who shows up in drag. Oh that isolating swirl of emotion that sets you aside from those around you, wonderful really.

I wish I could turn back time. I would hold my mom in my arms and tell her how much I love her because I never told her enough. I would tell my dad he was my hero. I would HUG my kid sister. And I would be thankful for every ugly, angry, happy, loved moment of being part of something.

Do you  know how blessed you are? Find out. Sit back, be quiet. Drink in the laughter of your loved ones. Embrace what you have been given, make a memory and hold on as long as you can. somethinggratitude

 

 

 

 

Minute by Minute

What!?! Today was one of those days. You know the kind of day I am talking about. Everyone you talk to or run into is in a mood. C’mon people Monday happens every week. By now you should know what to expect but somehow some of you are still surprised by what you have left over or left undone from Friday. No need to be grumpy! That is why we have Tuesdays!

I had my own pile of craptastic things to deal with today not to mention I forgot how HANGRY I can get when I am trying to make my next “first” week back the most amazing week ever! All day today I was entertaining the feed thoughts. Someone would comment on the time, I would be thinking, “I need something crunchy and salty”. I was at a meeting I swear I could smell roasted chicken. Thoughts of stuffing my face just as soon as I walked into the house from work. No I didn’t, I had coffee. Yeah, disappointed too but I promised myself I would get back to me and so I am struggling but I am TRYING to do better and that has to count for something…I don’t know? maybe a cookie? No I am just joking.

Getting back into the swing of things sometimes means minute by minute conversations with myself about my whys. whyMy whys can change daily.  One thing remains constant my desire to do better for myself because I am worth the work.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

My Life

It’s been a great many things lately but not about many great things. I have been sleep walking through my life for a few months now. I am tired. I am starting not to feel well. My eating habits, the good ones, have left for vacation and are currently late in returning to work. The bad ones, well let’s just say they are wreaking havoc with my permission. I am a firm believer that until I give in I have not given up. I refuse. I merely parked my ass on the curb over the Summer and have been like a spoiled child spazing out over an imaginary insult. Well, today I sent those nasty never do well bad habits on their way BAGS PACKED. I have thrown out (or eaten) the last of all those “magical” foods that make me feel “whole”. LIES! all lies I tell myself because I am feeling vulnerable or stressed. Junk Food is not my friend. Craptastic food has never made me feel better about anything. Usually it just makes me feel worse. Kind of like when you go to a party dressed to kill but… it isn’t Halloween so everyone looks at you like your that goofy kid who somehow always manages to get singled out and picked on. ALL tricks no treats.

How about for once I move forward without taking two steps back? Novel idea for me.

I have the tools. I just need to go back to using them. I belong to a gym. I enjoy going there. It is my time to be by myself. Think about my day, exhale. Let go of the stress. Go TEAM ME! Tomorrow morning I will pull up on my big girl panties. I will hold my head high. I will walk back into that meeting and own my destiny. I am not defeated. I was only distracted.

Did You Miss Me?

I apologize. I missed my usual Friday night musings about me, myself and I. Our house break-in happened on the afternoon of October 6th. The complete nerve of that douchekabob who broke into my house and shattered my FALSE sense of security.  Lessons have been learned. My eating habits are a new kind of messed up. I have been crying with no true reason to connect to. This must be what post traumatic stress is kind of about. My “bad experience” was really on a mild level compared to others in the world who have had to live through hell.  Life rolls on even when we are not ready. My hat is off to the wounded in the world for getting up everyday and facing their reality.

I taught myself years ago to be a stress eater as a way of containing my emotions. How do I control anger? Numb it with ice cream. How do I control fear? Subdue it with hot and spicy whatever. How do I combat loneliness? Vast quantities of sweet :  cookies, pie, M&Ms, trail mix. I battle my sadness with writing and tears. I apologize but some of my best writing happens because I am SAD. I swear it is a funky type of sadness that follows me, haunts me, keeps me searching for the correct combination so I can own the key to self-acceptance. Why have I never learned to like myself? Why?

I have choices. I can continue on my current path(not a good idea), I can find the path I was on(Okay, but really needs some excitement), or I can forge a new path(winner, winner chicken dinner!). I stood in my bathroom for a long time tonight looking at my old self in the mirror. I deserve more than I give myself. I want more. I am tired of basing my self worth and my self esteem on my fucking dress size. I don’t even wear dresses!  More importantly why do I know so many other women who feel just like I do? I often have women tell me that they feel like I am inside their heads. How do I mirror how they feel? The more we think we are different from others around us the more we come to realize just how similar we are.

This is for the women in and around my life. You are worthy. You are loved. You are needed. You are everything wonderful to someone in your life and you might not even know it. Stop hiding who you are and what you want. Be kinder to yourself. Forgive yourself. You are stronger than you know. Embrace that little girl who lives in your soul. She holds all of your JOY.  Just BELIEVE! We all have the power to fly we just forget sometimes that we control the WINGS! You are beautiful!

Tonight I do. Actions not words. I can tell you that I am going to turn on the lights but if I don’t move from my chair I will still be sitting in the dark. I will do better for myself from this point on. I will return to the gym. I will return to WWs this Saturday. I will, actions not words.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

Sunday Morning

Do you know what soul shine is? I like to think of it as something that makes a person so happy that from a distance it appears that they have a glow about them. It may be noticed in the way their step seems lighter or the smile they can’t unwear or the warm glow of happy that seems to emanate from their being. In everyday life we don’t get to witness it much. If you were lucky enough to have a ticket to last night’s season opener of the Worcester Railers Hockey you couldn’t escape the buzz of it.

I haven’t seen some of these good people for over a year. It was nice to catch up, to be in their presence. I had forgotten how much they are a treasure to me. Hockey brings more to Worcester than a sports team, it reunites the community in a way other things can’t. I was surrounded by excitement. School groups, old friends, new friends, co-workers and complete strangers all gathering to bring life back to this city we call home.

I feel like something that was lost has been restored. I am happy for my friends. I am happy for my husband. We haven’t had a lot to be smiley about lately. It was nice to see him settle back into his beloved element. hockey

He enjoyed every moment :  the sound of pucks as they slammed into the boards, the roar of the Zamboni as it prepped the ice, the chatter of excited hockey fans eager for the game to begin.

Once Upon a Time…

…in a place that is unfamiliar to most but home to others there lived a girl who wanted things. I was born into a family of five. Being third in line, I often found myself smack dab in the middle of “No Man’s Land”. A mythical place where whatever you do goes unnoticed and unappreciated because you weren’t first on the scene or the last one to arrive. I grew up feeling like a TV listing for Wednesday night viewing. Family shows with no real excitement or sex appeal. Meh!

This past week was not stellar for me. I haven’t had to deal with this much stress, uncertainty and anger since my Pops passed away. I guess it might have been time for Karma to shake her ugly stick at me as a way to remind me who exactly is the boss here.

I have been a wanter my whole life. I wanted to be loved; I am! I wanted to be noticed. Do you see me? I wanted to be famous. the jury is still out on this one. I wanted to be a person that others looked up to. I want happiness. = ) I want. I want. I want; but why? I am indeed loved. I am happy even when I fight myself about how happy I am supposed to be (as if happy comes with a formulary!) Does getting everything you want open the path to peace? or have I struggled this long because I have been too foolish to realize I have everything I have ever needed the entire time?

Knowing when to return to my true self has always been the toughest road for me to travel. I have many miles to go before I sleep. There are things left to do. I am leaving behind all the bad mojo that flooded over me after last week’s event. Bad shit happens to good people all the time. It’s what you do with the aftermath that determines where your path will lead.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be

ease on down the road