It sneaks up on you. One minute you are enjoying your moments and the next you can feel it creep along your spine, the darkness. I feel my skin pucker from goose pimples in anticipation of the dread that comes with the darkness. I hate mood swings. I fight them off everyday but the closer I get to the start of my cycle the worse they get. The longer they last and the more likely I am to be steps away from feelings of despair and failure. Have you ever had a fight with yourself and lost over something stupid and trivial? Yeah, I hate when I do that to myself too, but; it happens. No one is immune.
On one hand I LOVE being a girl and on other hand I LOATHE being a girl. I am not overly feminine. There are no feathers or fluff (except if I am talking about my waistline) and fashion is nearly foreign to me. I enjoy being female, my thought processes are very girly. I get so jealous if another female looks in my man’s general direction. I love the feel of my man, next to me, in me, with me, loving me. It makes my heart heavy with love that I am more than enough for him, that he finds me beautiful , that he thinks of me as his best BEST friend. He makes me feel like I am sexier than any super model. He never gripes when I am angry and emotional during my cycle. He is sensitive to my discomfort. He never gives up on me. He tries to soothe me and I am an asshole to him.
I LOATHE being a girl. It hurts. The shoes are small and I look dumpy in dresses. I hate feeling bloated and my flow tries to kill me every month. Last month I was in bed for two days, brought on by cramping, nausea and heavy bleeding. I wanted to scream but all I could muster were plaintive cries like a tiny kitten who has no idea how to help itself. I hate the world, I hate being alive. I hate that despite our best efforts, all this pain, bleeding and misery never got us any children. I hate that I want to eat everything and anything that might, even if it is for a few minutes, distract me or bring me comfort or happiness. Of course, that never happens. I over eat, over analyze, spend precious time contemplating bullshit I really do not give two shits about. And why? Why do I do this? because I have never been able to walk away from my true nature long enough to effect positive, permanent change. In a few days, I will feel better about myself, our life together and my weight loss efforts after FLO lets go of the hold she has on me.
I get up day after day trying to be a better version of myself. The struggles are real. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel and roll in on myself but there is that small glimmer of hope in me that says, “Don’t give up!” I have been married to the same man for 21 years. I love him today as much as I did that first time I realized I had tripped over something real.