Sabotage

I rained on my own parade. Today was not a good day. There was a snowstorm today. I like to tell myself that I am Okay, that I can survive anything but I have a secret. It’s a lie. I was blessed/cursed (depending on my mood it could be one or the other) to have one parent with serious mental illness. I like to think that I am above that affliction and that there is nothing in the world that can get under my skin. If I work hard enough and fight the gallant fight I will always overcome whatever obstacles lie in my way even when I am the obstacle.

My mother had anxiety about everything. The TV, the weather, medicine, news of any kind. You name something, anything and she had a fear or a superstition or a complaint about it. She couldn’t calm the thoughts that raced through her mind and often screamed out when her nerves gave her a run for her money. Yes, she was one odd duck but she was my mom. I learned to become who I wanted in spite of her shortcomings as a parent and  with no solid direction as to which way to start this race.

I picked up more than a few unhealthy habits form her. Instead of finding a way to deal with something that is bothering me, I simply picked up on her cue to avoid any bad situation by stuffing a bag of chips down my gullet.  Man, there is nothing like a sugar high when your anxiety is running off the scale and you need (not really) to feel the rush from a case of the jitters brought on by too much crap.  I HATE WHEN I DO THAT!

I was not kind to myself today. I tried to have a good day. I kept busy. I did not watch storm coverage. I filled my (trapped indoors by a storm) day with chores. My house is sparkly. I was trying so hard not to dwell too much on the fact that I was stuck inside that my anxiety get the better of me. I fed those emotions with crap that I don’t care about or for that matter, particularly like but I did it. Why? I learned to calm my anxiety that way… my mother self medicated so I self medicated. BAD, bad idea; but, I am learning to learn from my mistakes. I do not enjoy the hangover from food burnout. I have come to enjoy eating healthy to feel healthy. I am feeling better now. Tomorrow is a new day. There is no more giving up on myself. I need to work harder on not giving into my inner demons by letting them have their way. I am not a spoiled child that needs to be told yes over and over again in order to feel validated. I stopped being the worst example of myself over a year ago. I am not going back to that dark place ever again if I can help it.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

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