Bleak Friday

I was awake before my alarm this morning. It is Black Friday. Looks like I didn’t make it through the looking glass and Alice  will have to carry on for another year without me while I try to figure out how to get back through the rabbit hole.  I am not the winning contestant on The Voice. I am not any wealthier. I am not married to a man twenty years younger than I am. My vacation is over. I take this week off every year, dreaming for a different outcome. An outcome that never comes to fruition.

Why do people feel the need to squeeze me so tightly with their needs? I feel cornered. I just want to turn tail and escape. I just wanted a week away from the noise. I wanted to bask in the freedom of letting people fend for themselves. I do not have the answers! I am not the FIXER! Why do people look to me for the calm that is missing in their lives?

You want the truth? Most days I am so anxious I want to throw up. I don’t want to get dressed let alone partake in living but I do it. Why? because I have wasted enough of my life waiting for a better day to rear its head. This is who I am. I have spent a good portion of my life running away from myself. Today I feel lonely. I feel like I wasted another week of vacation over trivial crap I will never care about.

What I really wanted for my vacation was to get away, from the job, co workers, from myself. I wanted some time alone to grieve. My hubby had to work so I needed to get up early everyday to take him to work. He doesn’t drive. No going anywhere to have fun unless I could be back for around 2 every afternoon. No time to get anything done. No time to cry, or write, or be alone.

What did I learn? Next time I will shut off my cellphone. Next time I will take a different vacation if my job denies my hubby’s vacation time again. Next time I will have a plan in place to have an adventure that I want to do. I need to remember to be true to myself. I am responsible for my own happiness. I forgot to ensure my own happiness. I foolishly  let down my radar. I got burned. My bad, won’t happen again.

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