Now I See

I made this life decision to be better to myself back at the very beginnings of February. I have been tracking, exercising, making better choices. I have been trying to be of a certain mindset. I try everyday. I log all of my foods even the ones I accidentally (on purpose) over indulge in. I have adopted the Elsa way of thinking about negative thoughts LET IT GO!elsa Just by applying a positive outlook on what I am trying to do I am having a positive experience. That is not to say that sometimes I feel angry or frustrated. I am just not letting it color the rest of my day in a bad light. This week I was off from work on vacation. I hate vacation time. I suck at relaxing. We never really go anywhere so having the soul of an adventurer kills me =  (

This week for the most part I stayed on point. I used my time wisely, had a few adventures, tried a few new things. People are beginning to notice my weight loss. I hate this part of my journey. The well meaning comments, the head turns, the questions about my health. I struggle with how it makes me feel. Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to accept/acknowledge a compliment?  Where does this come from? Why do I hang onto this? It is hard because sometimes I don’t believe I DESERVE TO HEAR IT.

I am afraid I will fail. I am afraid I will succeed. I am worried that I will become to overconfident and fall into the bad practice of only half trying. I have been overweight nearly my whole adulthood. I have never admitted to anyone before that I have an eating disorder. It is a tough burden to own. Not all people who are over weight have an eating disorder. My ED will control my life if I let it. If I minimalize how it affects me or make its power too mighty, I suffer. My over eating has always been tied to whether or not I feel comfortable with who I am. I use food to punish myself. The minute I start comparing myself to others I falter. I become small in my own mind. I struggle with my self-worth. Am I good enough to be loved? Am I good enough to succeed?  I let go of that bad mojo. I don’t want or need it in my life anymore.

Am I worth the effort? Of course I am, so are you. I will never be magazine beautiful but I am beautiful. I will never be wealthy but I have so much more than money can ever buy. I AM enough. I don’t need to “fix” my flaws in order to be worthy. I just need to try to make each day better than the last one. You know what? Just like Dorothy, in the Wizard of OZ, everything I have ever needed has always been right there in front of me waiting for me to see. love

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant TO BE =  )

 

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