No matter where I run I can not hide from myself. I have been thinking about changing the direction of my blog. Sadly it is my life which needs direction not my blog. I have been in turmoil with myself for a long time. Not happy. I grew up with someone who was never happy. Did she rub off on me? Did I pick up her bad habits? In a room full of people I love, I find myself feeling empty, overwhelmed, sad. I don’t really know how to just talk with people. I am not a great listener, not one of my better qualities.
I am a fixer. I want to fix whatever it is that may be troubling you or making you sad or uneasy; yet, I don’t know how to fix those things for myself. The only coping skills I taught myself? Be the smartest person in the room. Rely on only yourself, never ask for help. Don’t cry! it is a sign of weakness. Never take care of yourself first, fix everyone else’s unhappiness. Well, guess what? not good edicts to live by. It has terrible side effects.Whenever I feel overwhelmed (which is often) I hit the snacks.
I have found that I am not always the smartest person in the room and that is ok. I don’t always know what to do. It kills me to ask for help. I am working on it. I am afraid of so many little things that they become overwhelming . These fears strip me of my ability to get out of my self-created misery. Lately I am crying at the slightest provocation. Some people blame it on impending menopause but that is horseshit. I cry because bravery comes with a cost. When I can’t smile at the storm one second longer I lose my battle and the tears flow. I have the hardest time not fucking up my own happiness. I don’t know how to take care of myself. It is time I learned, really learned not just practiced. I live with this need to punish myself for my shortcomings. No more hiding. No more punishing.
I can’t do this to myself anymore. I need to be happy with myself and my life choices.