I am asleep but fitfully. I am running away from myself in this dream. I keep running into you. What are you trying to tell me? I roll around under my covers, semi awake mumbling to myself. I sit up; glance over at the clock, its blaring light tells me it is 3:02 in the morning. I step out of bed my mind in a half fog. I maneuver my way to the bathroom careful not to trip over my cat. I know she is lurking there somewhere in the dark. As I sit on my throne she pads in, rubs her body against my legs, her purr loud and reassuring. I reach my hand down, she glides her soft warm cheek across my fingertips. I give her a quick scratch under her chin. I hear her pad away into the kitchen. She will grab a few quick bites from her supper dish, knowing that all is well. She can let her guard down even if it just for a few minutes. I try not to focus my thinking at 3:02 in the morning while I am peeing. I DO NOT want to be awake at this hour. I want to alight on the wings of Sleep and let her take me through the night peacefully, gaining what rest has escaped me all week.
Everyone experiences a heavy day now and then. A day filled with anger or disappointment or uncertainty. I find whenever I am in the midst of a heavy day or an argument with myself about a situation I dream vivid solution dreams. My way of trying to achieve peace with myself. Sometimes it works. I wake up feeling better about life in general. Sometimes it doesn’t work. I awake at an unholy hour of the night more distressed than when I went to sleep. There is a place in my soul (the Palace of Grudge) where I harbor all of my misgivings, my loathing, my greed. Occasionally this spot gets irritated by the greater parts of my soul, you know what I am talking about; THE YOU, the better version of yourself. The one that is who you really are. Kind, gentle, loving. This part of my soul will only put up with me being an ass for so long then all hell breaks out. It is then in the wee hours of the morning when I should be sleeping my best that she strikes.
Conscience is a good being. She tries gently to remind me of the path I should be on whenever I cross over to the path of destruction. She stays glued to my side throwing out her guiding ways. I am just stubborn. I often choose the tougher path from which to learn my life lessons. I am lucky that Conscience is well meaning and kind, otherwise I would be screwed. She is always there. She always knows what to do in a tough situation. She doesn’t like to be ignored. She is overjoyed and giddy when she wins the day.
Lately, Conscience has been on my ass about an issue I have ignored for a long time. The real problem is there is no easy solution to the problem as it lies. Therefore I sometimes lose sleep while my opposing viewpoints fight for the win. I could be the “better” me and try to have a chat with the source of my angst. I could row the boat closer to the dock, but just like the gingerbread man on the wolf’s back I am leery about trusting. I think I am smarter than that wolf. Sometimes the best way not to get bitten is to stay away from the mouth. Poor Gingy, could have lived and ran another day if he had just chosen a different path.
I am sorry Conscience but this time I choose not to follow your pleading ways. Stay ever vigilant = ) I appreciate all that you have helped me to accomplish. I am sure I will be hearing from you again; soon.