Inspiration comes from the oddest of places sometimes. A song I hear on the radio, silly things I see on the street as I drive by in my Jeep or a text from my SIL.
Today is a day of two events. The first is Mother’s Day which I am sad to say doesn’t apply to me. Mother’s Day is an event for me. I am sad in a place in my soul that will be forever sad. I never imagined as a little girl that there would be no children for me. I believed foolishly that motherhood was a given.
Barren is such a harsh word for a woman without children. Even deserts have life. Barren sounds like the Moon or some other planetary body devoid of all. I am not that.
Joseph, Kristopher, Courtney, Michaela and Nathan these are MINE. All the children that I love in so many and yet all the same reasons. The parents in their lives, let me be part of their growing up. I like to think that I left a spot on their hearts; that life is wonderful if you live it, that LOVE is the best thing you can ever have, that you just need one person in your corner who will always be there, that will always want the best for you.
Mother’s Day is an event for me because my mom passed away. I miss her.Days like today bring out my regrets of things unsaid, undone and left awry. Days like today make me feel that I am all alone in the world, but it is a lie. I have great people in my life that I love who love me.
The other event in my life today is my eighteenth wedding anniversary. Really? 18? Big D has stuck with me through it all. I tried to set him free after we learned of the “no children” ruling . He told me he loved me, had no intention of leaving. The thing is I never thought I would be that girl. That girl who lived happily ever after. Fairy Tale? There are days when I want to be free but that is me being selfish. I would be lost without Big D. I love him with my whole being, jerk that he is.