On Not Knowing What To Say

Have you ever found yourself in an awkward place or social event or family gathering when something happens and you find yourself at loss for words? It happens to me more times than I care to tell you but why start hiding things from you now? Sometimes I am awkward in person. Like a small puppy that hasn’t grown into her ears I trip over myself.  Once I say the wrong things, I tend to pile more wrong things on top until my anxiety takes over and I begin to slur my thoughts into an almost unintelligible speech pattern. I feel the heat rush to my face and I wish from the darkest reaches of my soul that the ground would open and cease my suffering.

There is nothing I can say to ever make you feel comfortable in your own skin. I can’t make you feel beautiful even though I may tell you how beautiful you are. I can not make you believe you have value if you don’t know your worth. It is very hard for me to tell people I care for them or have concerns for their well being. I have lost so many people I have loved. It is unfair of me to pin my fear of loss on you. So I stand there not knowing what to say because in truth my heart wants to cry out…NO! no more loss. I don’t want you to go. I want you to be better. There are days to fill with laughter and memories. There are people to love and jokes to tell. If I could ease your pain I would.

Tomorrow and the tomorrow after that are not guaranteed. Live your life. Sing that song. Make an ass out of yourself. Make sure people remember you for the right reasons. When I stumble trying to tell you how or why I feel the way I do, watch my body language. Maybe I am tripping over my own emotions or insecurities while trying to give the appearance of complete control. I want everyone in my life to know peace. I want you to know that you are loved, wanted and appreciated. I want you to know that some days it will rain but in time the sun does shine. If you are a part of my life it is because I WANT you there.

Sometimes I don’t know what to say. That’s why I write. Love the people in your life, they are here for that reason. Tell them how important they are to you. Stop with empty promises Give them something you value; a hug or a smile, a bouquet of flowers or do something unexpected for them.

 

Two WEEKS

I have been employed at the same company for 33 years. In all of that time I have only once before taken two weeks of vacation together. Once in the honeymoon stage of my employment before year seven and then this vacation. All I can say is WOW! Hubby and I have always resisted doing a two week stint because it is so tough mentally to get back into the swing of the early morning rise again and the bust your hump (him, not me) of a physically demanding the job. We both work for the same company, and yes, that is how we met = ) .

Have you ever had a vacation filled with UNPLANS? An unplan is pretty self explanatory. I can honestly tell you that not having any premade plans to go anywhere or do anything drives me to distraction but this year I embraced the unplan. This past year has been a time of transition for me. I have been struggling emotionally about life without my Dad. My hubby lost a favorite auntie and I a cousin, one of the cool kids. All unplans. All things I didn’t plan for or expect. Why is it when someone you love dies you feel like you are treading the outer rim of a whirlpool? Gaining speed as you spin around and around not really going anywhere but desperately trying not to get sucked into the center! whirlpool

On this vacation I finally let go of the panic. I am made of stronger things. After one more go around I found the safest spot at which to exit and now I am happy to report I am back on course. It is not our loved ones who have died that suffer the loss; it is the ones who are left behind on the shores of uncertainty that have to figure out how to be happy again, live their own lives, be the person they are meant to be. I learned so much from my parents about the kind of person I want to be, that I AM!  My Dad taught me never to give up, to never back down from a challenge, and never settle for anything done poorly. He taught how to drive, to laugh, to whistle and sing. He taught me how to love with my soul wide open. My Mom taught me patience, kindness, poetry. She taught me that not every soul is beautiful but if you look hard enough there is beauty. Orphaned as a child all she ever wanted was to be loved. I wish she knew how much she WAS LOVED but sometimes no matter how much you try to convey to someone special that they are indeed loved the more unworthy they feel.

I enjoyed this vacation. I went on a crazy adventure with my BFF. I spent so many days away from the kitchen that right about now a meal made with love is all that I am craving. I stepped away from my WWs program. I am totally Okay with that =  ) if you want perfect you have stopped at the wrong address. Life is in the living! I enjoyed spending quiet, unrushed time with my hubster. I even made him go on an adventure!  All these years and we still like each other! Love is a amazing isn’t it? ❤

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We have already decided that next year will are going to take two consecutive weeks off again. The peace was worth it.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

More or Less?

Will you love me less if there is MORE of me? I just turned 53,four days ago. My birthday, as usual, became bigger than itself. It was a fine morning. The sun was out, the humidity low and the temperatures perfect for whatever might come around the corner. I am terrible about making plans that have any value or consistency to them. Might have a plan is probably a better term for what I have rolling around in my head about anything I “MIGHT” want to do or any place I “MIGHT” want to go. This birthday I was out of bed fairly early. I was up and moving around the house perfectly happy. I know, right? who is this chick? but it is true. Hubby and I had not made any solid plans but we were going to hit the bookstore, grab some lunch, maybe go for a drive.

We were just finishing up our morning chores when the lights went out. At first I thought hubby had just turned off the TV in a preemptive strike so we wouldn’t leave it on when we walked out of the house to start our day. I called out to him from our second bathroom,” Honey? did you just shut off the TV?”
I was listening to the news as I was cleaning the cat’s litter pan. A truly thankless disgusting job but I love my cat so…

“No. I think the lights went out!” He yelled back.

“Wait, what? I can’t hear you!” I walk out of the bathroom around the corner to his office. “You know, I think the lights went out!” It is 10:38 am.

He looks at me like someone just struck a match in a dimly lit hallway, ” Yes, Trish, brilliant.”

“Well, I thought maybe you were just being a butthead because I wasn’t ready to leave yet. I guess not, sorry.” Another look. One I don’t need to explain here. Let’s just say I got the drift he was annoyed. He never calls me names. My bad.

He looked up our electric company’s customer service number on his cell. “Call these jerks and let them know there is a power outage.”
We all know how customer service work. NO HUMAN ever interacts with you. This factor alone is enough to drive people crazy. All people really want is the knowledge that someone has heard them. Listen to me, hear what I say.
An automated response came over my cell. “There is a power outage in your area of a undetermined cause. Crews have been dispatched to your area. Service should be restored around 11:30 am, sorry for any inconvenience this may cause you.”

Now do you believe that MY BIRTHDAY is pursuing a vendetta against me? Hubby and I survived. We had no lights until after 7 pm. No cable or internet until almost 11 pm. A few houses down on the same side of the street from our little abode an Oak tree decide it had nothing left to live for and fell over intact. There was no loud cracking. There was no active storm or high winds. The tree simply came up, root system pulled neatly out of the ground as if the Gods on high were pulling carrots from their vegetable gardens for a snack. Maybe the Gypsy Moth caterpillars did it. Those little buggers have been plentiful the last few weeks. They love OAK trees, well, at least their leaves.

As anyone can imagine there were service trucks up and down our street working feverishly to restore our “lifestyle”. Hubby and I had no choice but to spend most of the day out and about doing chores and eating lunch and supper away from home. So of course, I used this as my ULTIMATE EXCUSE to allow myself to wallow in my anger and make poor food choices on purpose, which brings me to my point; would you love me less if there were MORE of me? We all know the answer. No one who truly loves you cares if you are a tiny slip of a thing or someone with curves = ). I am loved. My hubby loves me. All of me. He always has. He still does. It is me that has the problem with self. He has always been more concerned that I am well, that my health is okay.

I go to WWs for me. I also go for him because he loves me. I know that I am a much better, happier person when I go. When I take ownership of my food addiction life is just better. The journey moves forward. Someday I hope I am wise enough to stay on the right path for my better well being everyday. This is the story of my life. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant TO BE.

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I LOVE US Still  = )

 

The Unbirthday

It’s a marvelous concept, find happiness in the 364 other days of the year that are not about you and celebrate your UNBIRTHDAY. My real birthday is hiding just around the corner and I hate her. My birthday always disappoints me. I won’t let myself be happy on that day. I have a tendency to become withdrawn and melancholy because I set the bar of expectations way too high. I decided that this year I was going to use this time of Unbirthday  to celebrate the people in my life and for once give presents instead of feeling sorry for myself because there is no one (except hubby, of course) to have a party with.

You know what? I am happy. I am looking forward to being on vacation and just living in the moment. Sure I have less family but I have discovered I have more people in my life that I enjoy and that I talk with and laugh with than I have ever had before. I am blessed.  Reap what you sow. Send kindness and joy out into the world and see what rewards you truly gather.

UNBIRTHDAY

Too pooped for Prose

Often I have sat on this side of my keyboard waxing poetic about the goings on in my life or the spinnings of my mind. I started on this writing journey with the thought that I could rediscover myself by sharing my soul with a close friend. I only ever intended to ride the bus not pick up the passengers but here we are. I try to write something new every Friday night. I write about whatever I find floating around in my grey matter. I post my finished musings onto my Facebook page and if I am lucky a few fellow bloggers happen upon my post or they find a keyword tag that sends them to my blog. Thanks for all the follows and good vibes.  ;  )

I guess what surprises me the most is how similar we all are. I have had more than one friend/follower/co-worker ask me or comment to me about how I seem to be able to “know” how they are feeling. Honestly I don’t; but, I know how I feel. I kept all those “feelings” to myself for years because I was afraid of being judged for being real. Well, guess what, too bad so sad, we all have stories to tell. Some are funny, some are poignant, some are just depressing. It’s all Okay. Any one who is truly in your life already knows the hot mess that you are and they choose to love you anyway so why not “love” yourself? Be in your moments, invite the neighbors, make new friends…

I have reached that magical time in my life where I finally feel like I have something to give to others. Turns out it is me. = ) Who knew? I sure in Hell didn’t for a really LONG time. It is a great time to be alive but only if you are willing to live a little, love a lot and forgive shit you can’t change or control.

I try to blog once a week. Last week I JUST wasn’t feeling it. I was tired, grumpy, and I hate to say it; I felt like the little old lady I am slowing turning into. While I was growing up I dreamt of being older, I never realized someday I WOULD BE! I guess you could say I’m living the dream!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !!!!

SATURDAYS

Saturday

Sixth day in the week. BEST DAY 

My Pops suffered with dementia. When I first started looking after him he would often ask me, “Is today Saturday?”  At first I thought it was a little odd and I would correct him. As the frequency of his questioning increased it bothered me. It was so tough on me emotionally to see my beloved dad struggle with time. My hubby helped me put it into prospective one day. “It was probably the only day your Dad had for himself.”

My Dad sometimes worked two jobs. He crawled out of bed shortly after 4 am each day and left the house every morning before 5 am to go to work.  Saturday was quite possibly the ONLY day my Pops ever had off. It was his favorite day. A day he got to spend watching TV, running errands, being with his girls, relaxing. It was his BEST DAY every week.

I have made Saturday my favorite day of the week. I try to be upbeat and positive and cram as much life into every Saturday I am blessed to have. I am everything wonderful because of his love.
This will be my first Father’s Day without him by my side. I miss him terribly.

 


He is in my thoughts everyday. Happy Father’s Day, Dad! You know I love you, right?

Tantrum VS Truth

Welcome to this heavy weight battle for the championship of self-esteem. In this corner sporting cute Batman shorty pajamas and a new attitude: Truth.  Tough to beat, harder to fight… And in this corner Tantrum wearing an ice cream stained t-shirt and a pair of cutoffs. Her style is messy and unpredictable. Winner, winner chicken dinner? Again!?! with the groceries? Really?

This is proving to be an epic battle of the wills. Will I make healthy choices? Will I eat an entire container of Nutella? Will I keep going to WWs? If you are to buy into the WW weigh(pun)of life they try to make you believe that you can eat anything as long as you figure out the points. *TRUTH ALERT* yeah, not really. Right now I am eating cheese ravioli with cheese sauce, ground beef and hot sausage, because I LIKE IT. Following WWs I can have THIS but in order to fit it into program I should only smell {{{sniff, sniff}}} this and eat something else. Not going to happen. I know there will be no weight loss this week for me. (TANTRUM)

I was fighting the good fight. I was losing weight. I was working hard; and then just like that [snap of my fingers] I stopped. I want to set a goal for myself. I know I need to stop fecking’ around and find my exercise path. I need to re-examine my whys. [TRUTH]

I have allowed myself to fall back into the comfort of being disorganized, unprepared, worn out and worn down. I have been lying to myself that it is okay to overeat all of the tasty foods I can no longer have. All this time and I still fall for all of my old tricks. (TANTRUM)

I know I feel so much more alert and healthy when I make good choices. I am able to do so much more with my day when I am actively taking part in my health. I am a happier person. I enjoy being around the people in my life. I enjoy Feeling Good[TRUTH]

Why do I keep fighting with myself over my same disappointments? (TANTRUM)

What do I really want? I want to walk away from all the crap I have layered across my path. I want to embrace the peace I know I have in my life. I need to trust myself. I know what I am doing; I know what I need to do to be successful. I can do this.[TRUTH]

Bored, deprived, hungry, angry, disappointment…all excuses(TANTRUM)

No one is going to make me do this. I have to figure this it out on my own.
Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be. I’m not [TRUTH] = )