You Are My Obsession…

I sit here at my laptop week after week. I spill my heart out all over the place. I never tell anyone the whole truth just the parts I think you might want to look at. How do I always find myself back at the one place I loathe? I am filled with dread. I have to learn to stop being my favorite subject. I am obsessed with myself and what is wrong? with me. Look at me. Let’s talk about me. I am sad. I am angry, I am…, I am…

REALITY CHECK blogging can be very one-sided; sometimes the truth is that I don’t want to talk about me.

Enough!

It is time for me to do other things with my free time. Something constructive instead of destructive. I went back to the YWCA. I purchased a membership for a 13 week run. Today I went to the gym to get a schedule and register. I walked around the place to see what has changed. More than a few years ago (2008) I joined the Y and went to aqua aerobic classes with Mrs. Cooper. She was a great friend to me. I got a little teary eyed today in the locker room remembering how much we laughed, how much fun we had. She was a sweet soul. I really miss her. She changed my life in so many ways. She helped me to believe in myself.You don’t need to be aware that your kindness changes another human being for the better; just be happy in the knowledge that you can make a difference just by being YOU.

I left the Y feeling like I am now going in the right direction. I need to get back to taking better care of myself. I did not try this Summer to be an honest WW. I allowed myself to bend the rules. I stopped doing everything that helps me to be successful. I am ready now for the next leg of my life journey. I got this!

I would also like to clarify something for my fellow WWs. Never be embarrassed about weight that you have “reclaimed”. Everyday that you are given is a chance to learn something new and wonderful about yourself. Learn to forgive yourself. You can give up or you can get up. It is your choice and your choice alone. Some days I don’t want to adult either but eventually I return to myself, my dreams, my hopes for a better day because I AM WORTH it.

Never Give Up ON The Person You Are Meant To BE! See you at the pool!

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F

As in what the F, as in there are so many wonderful words and thoughts that start with F. Lately I have been feeling F’d up. I am not liking it too much. Sometimes I let my world get to me. My job, my marriage, my friends, my WWs program…suffer. I am what is “OFF” in each of these situations. I let my emotional baggage get in the way of a great time. I start doubting myself. I start questioning my values and then like little tin soldiers all of the areas of my life line up for me to knock down or find fault with.

I stopped paying attention. I stopped caring. I stopped wanting! I allowed myself to bend the rules {just this once I promise ; )} and well, we all know what happens when you walk away from a path without a map. You get LOST! I just want to know peace. I want to accept that the life I lead, is the life that I lead. I am enough. I am loved. I am wanted. I have friends. I know joy. I know I am needed. I know I am capable of being so much more if only I would allow myself to let go of the anger, hurt and disappointment I keep in the quiet recesses of my soul for when I am feeling vulnerable and afraid.

SO…I did a crazy thing yesterday, I bought a groupon to my local gym. I missed my WW meeting on Saturday so I could skip off to Gloucester, MA to do touristy things. I had a grand time with excellent company but let’s face it I need to climb back on this teeter-totter life of mine and drag myself kicking and screaming to my goal. There is no more TRY there is only DO. I am worth this journey. No one gets to the finish line of life without scars. I plan on (my life story) telling an amazing tale of how girl lost became woman found.

Stay tuned, watch for the changes, hang on! This ride sometimes gets bumpy and comes with unexpected curves. Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be, I’m not = )

Exercising should be interesting. Check back here for the injured reserve list and other interesting sports injuries I am sure will pop up. Tune in next week when I begin questioning my…

Dry Dock

wp-image-945033384drawbridge : a bridge made to be raised up, let down, or drawn aside so as to permit or hinder passage — see castle illustration.

Sounds like my WWs journey only I am the one in control of the bridge; well, sometimes. I get frustrated and angry just like the next person. If I am not careful I let those negative feelings control the bridge. Lately I have been throwing myself closer and closer to the moat which is filled with tar and other oozy disgusting things that no living creature can tolerate; because I am sad, because I am frustrated, because I have been fighting with my self, over the reality that my efforts to get anywhere and stay there needs to be a lifelong pursuit and not a casual existence. I wanted the fairy tale of weight loss. It starts out as a really good story, has a few plot twists and some heart wrenching moments but in the end Hollywood sweeps in and gives the audience what they so desperately need; a HAPPY ENDING! Real life struggles, however, don’t always come with a predicted happy ending even when you put in all the work.

I am a book that has too many chapters with the same plot device. I am getting tired of the same storyline year after year. A bad soap opera that people only tune into because they are in love with the lead character. I have decided that I will not be taking anymore seflies. Some old lady trolls mine…I see her looking at me over my shoulder. Where did my youth go? Only the young self absorbed should be into taking pics of themselves, time hasn’t wrinkled their self esteem yet. There are no grey hairs making themselves at home on their head. I think I have moved into the “older” generation category. The time has come for me to be in the background of my life and not in front of some silly lens, desperate to capture my soul as it parades a smile.

I am cranky now, I think it is time for my nap.  Quite frankly it pisses me off. See? Cantankerous is creeping on me now.

 

 

Recalculating…

How badly do you want it? When I was younger I wanted it so badly I made poor choices and tried crazy things to get it. I bought into the whole parade of elephants. How marvelous you’ll look and feel. How everyone will notice your previously undiscovered beauty. How people will hang on your every word like you are spewing wisdom only your fountain can produce…and it was all horseshit and feathers.

You know what? I guess I don’t want it that badly anymore. All the years I have wasted chasing the perfect body size and for what? I lost weight once so I could have children, then I found out I was barren. Jokes on me. I lost weight so men could think of me more as a woman than a fishing buddy. It took me well into my thirties before someone wanted to tackle my box…PUN INTENDED. Jokes on me; hubby thinks I am beautiful just the way I am. I am tired of chasing that rainbow… take me as I am because I am done.

I always quit. My road is too long. The pain too great, the rewards are not there. But wait…

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…today I popped all the balloons I have been carefully inflating to have at that last pity party.

I have been creating a negative headspace for sometime now. I am angry because I have stopped actively pursuing my weight loss. I have not lost one pound in a YEAR! No, that’s not true;  I have gained and lost the same thirteen pounds for a year. I can see the path I want to be on but I have not been dedicated to reaching my destination. Maybe my GPS is broken? My Pops has been passed away for nearly a year, yet I still catch myself getting ready to go see him at the nursing home. I have something now I haven’t had in a very long while. TIME; I HAVE TIME!!!! So much of it that I am having difficulties filling it with positive things to do. I need to find something to plug into those afternoons that will keep me active, off the couch and engaged with people I enjoy.

I start a vacation very soon. I think I will take that time to make a plan, join a gym, return to program and once and for all cross finish line and start a new journey. Who  needs a perfect body? I just want to be comfortable in my own skin.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

It’s a Kind of Magic…

…LIFE, when it surprises you in unexpected positive ways. I started my unbirthday project last week. I carefully framed each of my photos that I had snapped at a sunflower festival. I wrapped each creation in tissue paper than I arranged them into waiting gift bags. As I made my way around handing out my gifts to the people I had selected, my heartbeat was catching in my throat. I was nervous with gleeful anticipation and dare I say a little apprehension.

The look in someone’s eye when the surprise is for them. The questioning look that asks,”what have I done to deserve this?” their happiness unfolds as their grin expands; that is what you have done, given back what I desire most, a smile. Not much really but everything that is grand about people. We have become a nation of anger. It breaks my heart in ways too numerous to tell here. Where have all the “good” people gone? the ones who put out a hand not to press you down but to steady you as you find your way? When did it become common place not to look people in the eye, exchange a quick good morning, or good afternoon and flash a warm smile their way. WHEN?

I usually post Friday nights but this week I just wasn’t feeling it. I wrenched my back earlier in the week. I spent three excruiating days not being able to do much of anything but cry in discomfort. I am happy to report that the spasming has slowed to a dull roar which has allowed me to be able to sit here long enough to enlighten you on how my unbirthday project has been progressing. I have a few more peeps to surprise, then I am done until the dead of Winter when happiness is in short supply. Love the people in your life while they are here to enjoy you.

My UnBirthday Project

As I have told you before, I am not a big fan of my birthday. Like the witch that she is, my day, lived up to all of my low expectations (I never set the bar too high). Being the bigger personality, I have called a truce with myself over my losses. I have started an UnBirthday Project. I am now trying to make or buy small gifts to randomly hand out to people I enjoy. So we can share a genuine moment with no strings attached.  I want to spread some good vibes around. A little something nice in a not so friendly world. Nice matters. Because there are not enough people in the world who smile freely or share of themselves like they won’t get hurt. If you build your walls too high only the thorns thrive, just ask Sleeping Beauty ; )

A few weeks ago I dropped my first gift. Tomorrow is another chance to gift someone some beauty. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

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Who knows YOU could be next!

On the Shore

I have stood here before looking out into the ocean, feeling overwhelmed by the beauty in nature. The water washing over the rocks strewn across its path, foam building as the water glides back and forth against the beach. It is almost hypnotic. The noise of the gulls scawing as they fly against the wind current laughing at their own cleverness. The hiss of the spray as it rushes through small patches of time worn boulders that have formed pathways. The fragrant smell of salt in the air and sea grass. The winds brushing against all of me. Being in my moment as my soul fills with a sense of happiness I find difficult to convey.

I was born in the Summer. I feel more at peace with myself during the summer. I look forward to the longer days. I love being able to do more while wearing less, instead of doing less while wearing more. My perfect season and it goes away so quickly. The days are getting shorter. I can feel the tide starting to turn.  I know there is still time to take that long walk, or go on an adventure, or visit the ocean…but

the Fall is calling. I am getting restless. It is time to go make memories.