Just Wonderful

Whenever someone asks me how I am I always reply, I am just wonderful. Sometimes I mean it the exact way it comes out. I am just? wonderful = (     I am JUST wonderful!   I am just wonderful.  #IAMJUSTWONDERFUL and the truth lies there somewhere within.

I had a great week. I sit here most Friday nights and I update whomever it is sitting on the other side of these words and I recount my headspace. Was I in a good mood? Did I make better choices? How I am feeling emotionally about some of the craziest things in and around my life. Tonight I didn’t feel as if I had anything to say. Hubby and I stop in for supper at our favorite local pizza shop after my blog has been published every Friday. Tonight he made polite inquiries into when I might be ready to go get some “groceries”. He asked me how much longer I might need to finish up and he seemed quite surprised when I informed him I had not yet written ONE SINGLE WORD. He threw me a quizzical look and asked me if I was all right. Of course, I responded, “I am just? wonderful = (  ”

“What’s wrong?”

“I had a really good week food-wise. I don’t know what to write about. Maybe nobody really wants to hear I did ok this week, that I was in a good space and I just enjoyed my life. My blog is supposed to be about my WW struggles”

“I think you found your blog post. Write about doing well.” I frown.

“What if I jinx myself?” My hubby looks at me sideways, “Do you really believe that?”

I guess somewhere on some level my inner child must believe in the power of self-jinxing, why else would I hold onto such a ridiculous idea? Practice something new long enough it becomes a routine or a habit, hopefully a good one. Maybe that’s what is really going on. I have finally accepted this truth for myself; I feel wonderful and I like feeling well. I noticed this week that some old pieces of clothing, t-shirts mostly, that I keep for my “full” days are no longer comfortable to wear. So holding to my new philosophy of ‘if it does not fit, do not keep’, I have four bags of gently loved clothing to donate.

As soon as I took ownership for my well being I began to feel better. I work on being the better version of myself everyday.  #IAMJUSTWONDERFUL  thanks for asking  =  )

Is it okay to admit that I feel amazing? because I do! feel amazing that is ; )

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Learning to be kind to one’s self is the toughest feat

Welcome…

outputto my world! Everything I need, that I have always wanted has always been within my reach. I just didn’t want to believe I could accomplish great things. Why is that? Why do I cast doubts? Why do you? why does anyone for that matter. Why is it easier to accept that someone else will do better, be better?

I wanted to have more weight off by now, instead I am maintaining. I am not bored with my lifestyle change, I am just drained. The soggy Spring and this new interesting journey the medical professionals like to call Menopause has taken me down a road I don’t get much happiness traveling along. I am trying not to give into my own bad self. I like where I am at this moment, on this particular stretch of the journey. I am finding out new and scary things about myself. Like, how I can twist a mood swing in just the right direction causing the airflow to change course and send a cool breeze along regions of my body that have secretly burst into flames (hot flash) ! Ok, maybe not but I have been surprised on more than one occasion by the sudden need to cry over a pet food commercial or the unexpected joy brought on by a silly meme on one of my social media sites from a few days previous. Things I have never entertained ideas of doing I am now making elaborate plans for. Why is that? Because life demands that you take part in it! The ride is intense and doesn’t last nearly long enough.

I guess everyone’s mid life crisis is a work of art.  Life is really a short journey we pack inappropriately for. Never pack sandals to go to a ski resort or wear a parka to the beach. What does that even mean? For me, living in the moment is a great idea but it lacks purpose. I need a focal point, a goal. At the end of my road I want people to remember me as a vibrant, beautiful force of nature who accomplished great things because I refused to give up. I have more things to do, see, dream, cry over and finish. I know tomorrow the scale will be less kind but I am ok with that. I have had a rough week so I paid less attention to WWs and more to myself and my well being.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Reign, rein, rain

Reign  : to rule over
Rein    : a restraining influence, power to direct or determine
Rain    : condensed moisture of the atmosphere falling visibly in separate drops. A large or overwhelming quantity of things that fall or descend.

I HATE rain. Listen, I know it is good for the earth, the soil, flowers… blah, blAH, BLAH! It washes away the bird poop on my Jeep, the earth worms are swimming in it, and my socks are wet.  Thank the higher being for RAIN! Well, if you don’t mind;  Hell, even if you do mind, I will sit this round out. The sky cries and I want to cry right along with it. How is it that I have gotten to this golden age of I should know better and yet I find myself struggling today to make the good choices. I wanted to sleep today for the entire day but… life has needs.

I feel like I am in a Snickers Bar® commercial. Crabby and out of sorts. Unhappy and argumentative.

So… I ate but I wasn’t hungry for food. I am hungry for satisfaction. When will I be satisfied will what I have, with who I am? with the man I married? WHEN? There will never be a singing career, there will be no fantastic voyages, there will never be any children. Once upon a time I had big dreams of being more than the small insignificant life I lead. All gone like dust in the wind… I wonder if anyone else ever feels this sad when it is raining. Or is it just me?

To go outside I need to wrap myself in plastic wrap to avoid the unavoidable soggy that will invade every available warm dry spot. My hair will curl and frizz, my mood sinks lower and lower. I know in the place where I keep my truths I am in that lovely phase right before my cycle. I become a roller coaster of emotion. Medical professionals call them mood swings. Trust me when I warn you there are days I have to be careful not to swing at your head with a metal folding chair. I know in three to five days this level of sadness will dissipate and I will once again be Fragging Happy Poppins, Mary Poppins’ crazed half sibling, but until then I can’t stand myself or the rain or people.

Rant Over

What should I learn from this? Weather does not really reign over how I am feeling about myself or life. It is just a convenient excuse for me. I alone have the power to rein in how I handle my emotions and last but still overwhelming; my hatred for rain has not diminished one skosh since childhood. I was having several bad moments so I decided to make them into a frosted cupcake, lesson learned, mischief managed. MOVE ON!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Sunshine

Every morning during my work week I get out of bed before 5 am. I gather the things I need for my shower. I waltz into the kitchen and start the coffee. I bring my stuffs into the bathroom. I try to float around in the quietness between my husband’s sleep sounds and our cat’s need for immediate attention. She is a bit of a diva and can become quite loud if I fail to pay attention to her before I get into the shower. I love my mornings. It is the only time of day I am completely alone with my thoughts. I turn on my laptop, I begin to think about my day. I look forward to Friday. I needed Friday afternoon to come early this week but it rolled along following its own schedule as usual. I am tired. My feet hurt. I want the beauty of Spring, her gentle warming breezes and the way her foliage brings the smile out of an otherwise gloomy day.

Sometimes the sunshine we so desperately need comes from the people in our lives. Last night hubster and I stepped away from our usual Thursday night adventures and went to a hockey event. There have been far too many tears from me lately and not enough things to smile about. I wasn’t looking forward to being a part of a “hockey family” again. I have been enjoying the peace of FREE TIME. I did not want to go to this event but love sometimes requires us to partake in things as a show of support for something our loved ones are mad for. So loving my hubster, I drove him to be with his hockey peeps.

The smile of recognition from a face across the room tells me she is glad I came to the event. We make small talk. I congratulate her on her new grand baby. I think his name is wonderful and a strong indicator that he will do grand things with his life. I mean this. I tell her I am happy that she and her husband have bought season tickets for the upcoming season. She tells me is happy to see me. She tells me she loves reading my blog. My heart melts…and swells with pride at the same instant. How can I ever tell her what those little words of sunshine mean to me?

Sunshine needs no introduction. We have all felt her warmth, her vibrancy. Happy to be by her side; we miss her when she is gone. We write songs in her honor and poems extolling her virtues. Sometime friends are the sunshine you have been longing for. Lately I have been searching for my happy.

Last night I found it. Thank you for being the ray of sunshine I needed.

Should I be Good?

Should I be bad? Don’t be a fool you fool.

Right now, as I sit to write this it is 9:20 pm I haven’t the slightest idea what I am in the mood to talk about. There has been exactly ZERO important thoughts or events or moments this week. Can it be? that my life has hit the BLAH ZONE? That lovely time of year after Winter has been put to bed but before Spring has emerged from the shower? I think I have the BLAHs. Winter has been so, well , I don’t really have a cool word for it so let’s just go with cruddy. I haven’t lost any real weight but on the flip side I haven’t really gained any real weight so I am happy. Not a word one hears much from a career “dieter” sorry WWS but that’s what I am or at least it is how I always viewed myself until recently.

I have come to the Plain of Acceptance, that low lying area of grass where we set up the lawn furniture every Spring. Time to face the facts there are some things about me that I will never be able to change or unknow or unsee or unbreak.  I used to fight against the wind but now I like to set my kite to the current that will carry me somewhere I want to be. I have formed some new friendships while being wise enough to let others go. I am really starting to enjoy being healthier.  I am the choices I make. My life is happy and peace filled because I make it this way. Life is not easy. It is filled with pain and tears and disappointments but it is also filled with love and music and laughter. It is up to us what we want to fill our lives with. For too many years I let mine be filled with the sadness I didn’t want to have. Ignoring something doesn’t make it smaller or cause it to go away I have found that the harder I try to ignore something or not deal with an issue the LARGER it becomes and the larger I become.

Here’s the thing, I don’t have the answers. I have been chasing after answers since I was twelve and felt the first pangs of not fitting in, of being different, of not feeling comfortable in my own skin; and I am just done with it. I don’t want the answers anymore. I don’t need to know. I no longer care if I don’t “fit” in. I like being a misfit. It’s who I am, it’s what I do  = )

Life is the journey we are all on together = ) Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be

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Saved

Lately I have been allowing myself to wallow in my sadness. I’ve kept warm with a side of self pity for good measure. I have come to a place where I have plateaued on my journey because of my actions. While I was busy contemplating my importance in the space time continuum, actually trying to decide if I wanted to keep trying or throw my hands up in faux despair and fail; I was saved. Yes, I said saved…by a set of bra hooks.

One of my best feel good moments is my sense of accomplishment. How wonderful to know the feeling of satisfaction over a job well done. Bras are the worst invention, torture for a gal with some fluff to her form. I have hated bras my whole breast laden adulthood. The other day as I was getting myself dressed for work it dawned on me. I LIKE my bras! Not for their supporting role in my life (pun intended) but because for the first time in my womanhood they fit. Not last set of hooks before I have to size up FIT but third set in I have to go be fitted for a smaller bra FIT. THAT FIT! They fit because I made a choice to start taking better care of myself. I felt a sense of pride in myself and a flash of happiness I haven’t experienced in quite some time. My journey is not over. I have accomplished a lot in a year. I feel more alive, more beautiful than I ever have. I have more work to do. I am willing to put in the work. I want to keep doing the right things for my health.

When I walked back into WWS last February my bras were stretched to their limit. You know what happens when you try to squeeze ten pounds of mud into a five pound sack? Back bulge, side ooze, unicleavage. All embarrassing, all uncomfortable but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make to keep the façade hidden. I didn’t want anyone to know how tight I felt in my own skin. So I lied to myself to keep the anger and depression from taking control of my life. I lost that battle over and over. Why do I keep making the same mistakes? Because I haven’t learned enough from them yet. Truth is a double edge weapon; it sets you free but leaves a wound that only time and love can cure.

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I have always been girl lost. I try everyday to become woman found. It is not an easy job. I am worth the best version of myself.  The sadness I am trying to work through is a temporary thing. The sun will shine another day. I will welcome its beauty again with open arms to enjoy the warmth on my soul. When I am struggling to make it to the end of a tough day I will remember that once upon a time a set of bra hooks set my efforts on a new path. I am worth the struggle.

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Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant to Be  =  )

The Usual/Unusual

I have been called many things in my life ; weird, strange, odd, peculiar even unusual. Fine by me, I have rather enjoyed being a square peg in a round hole kind of world.  I have felt at odds with myself this past week. I have gone to extraordinary measures to punish myself for imagined shortcomings.  Guilt does not have an exclusive contract with anyone. It is a rotten emotion that is tough to shake.  This week I have been fighting a battle with myself over things beyond my control. I hate to admit this but guilt has been my steady companion.

I gave into the Dark Side. I am here to tell you that yes, they do have cookies. I ate them freely and willing but it is time now to put the emotional pain I am feeling in its proper place. I am not the same person who walks away from her own best success to eat her way through the tough times. Eating a path through your own suffering is like slapping yourself repeatedly to attain a glow to your complexion! Huh? What? I love to obsess. PERSONALITY QUIRK!!!! I love to worry over the smallest details just in case I missed something I can make better. Give it a rest already, Trish!  No one is perfect!

I had to sit myself down, have a heart to heart convo about righting my path. Sometimes the path of least resistance seems like the best idea but for me it always spins out of control somewhere between the cookie and chip aisle. I have no desire to wake up in the Lost and Found Department again wearing three day old pizza stains on my shirt and dried drool on my chin wondering when the party ended and why nobody made sure I got home safely. The older I get the easier it is to become lost and not found. For the first time in my recent history I have been right where I needed to be and I was enjoying how wonderful I was feeling; then Death came to sit with me awhile. While I am happily alive some of the people that were once in my life are now no longer of this life. No problem for them but for me, the gal who prides herself {insert lie} on not feeling {insert lie} the BIG FEELS,  I can’t seem to shake the leftover sadness.

Where am I supposed to spend all of this love that I have sitting around unused? Sadness CAN NOT be cured by eating your way to the bottom of a cookie jar. I will not give up on working to be the better version of myself. The people in my life that love me accept me as I am. It is me that makes the monsters. I chose to silence my emotions with poor food choices. Guess what? My home remedy didn’t work. The only things I accomplished? I made myself sick on junk food. I cried a lot. My anger only grew. The minute I owned what I was doing to myself I began to feel better. I am worth more than I give myself.

One of my favorite quotes by Maya Angelou “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be!