It’s a Kind of Magic…

…LIFE, when it surprises you in unexpected positive ways. I started my unbirthday project last week. I carefully framed each of my photos that I had snapped at a sunflower festival. I wrapped each creation in tissue paper than I arranged them into waiting gift bags. As I made my way around handing out my gifts to the people I had selected, my heartbeat was catching in my throat. I was nervous with gleeful anticipation and dare I say a little apprehension.

The look in someone’s eye when the surprise is for them. The questioning look that asks,”what have I done to deserve this?” their happiness unfolds as their grin expands; that is what you have done, given back what I desire most, a smile. Not much really but everything that is grand about people. We have become a nation of anger. It breaks my heart in ways too numerous to tell here. Where have all the “good” people gone? the ones who put out a hand not to press you down but to steady you as you find your way? When did it become common place not to look people in the eye, exchange a quick good morning, or good afternoon and flash a warm smile their way. WHEN?

I usually post Friday nights but this week I just wasn’t feeling it. I wrenched my back earlier in the week. I spent three excruiating days not being able to do much of anything but cry in discomfort. I am happy to report that the spasming has slowed to a dull roar which has allowed me to be able to sit here long enough to enlighten you on how my unbirthday project has been progressing. I have a few more peeps to surprise, then I am done until the dead of Winter when happiness is in short supply. Love the people in your life while they are here to enjoy you.

My UnBirthday Project

As I have told you before, I am not a big fan of my birthday. Like the witch that she is, my day, lived up to all of my low expectations (I never set the bar too high). Being the bigger personality, I have called a truce with myself over my losses. I have started an UnBirthday Project. I am now trying to make or buy small gifts to randomly hand out to people I enjoy. So we can share a genuine moment with no strings attached.  I want to spread some good vibes around. A little something nice in a not so friendly world. Nice matters. Because there are not enough people in the world who smile freely or share of themselves like they won’t get hurt. If you build your walls too high only the thorns thrive, just ask Sleeping Beauty ; )

A few weeks ago I dropped my first gift. Tomorrow is another chance to gift someone some beauty. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

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Who knows YOU could be next!

On the Shore

I have stood here before looking out into the ocean, feeling overwhelmed by the beauty in nature. The water washing over the rocks strewn across its path, foam building as the water glides back and forth against the beach. It is almost hypnotic. The noise of the gulls scawing as they fly against the wind current laughing at their own cleverness. The hiss of the spray as it rushes through small patches of time worn boulders that have formed pathways. The fragrant smell of salt in the air and sea grass. The winds brushing against all of me. Being in my moment as my soul fills with a sense of happiness I find difficult to convey.

I was born in the Summer. I feel more at peace with myself during the summer. I look forward to the longer days. I love being able to do more while wearing less, instead of doing less while wearing more. My perfect season and it goes away so quickly. The days are getting shorter. I can feel the tide starting to turn.  I know there is still time to take that long walk, or go on an adventure, or visit the ocean…but

the Fall is calling. I am getting restless. It is time to go make memories.

 

Cat and Mouse

from Wikipedia… “a contrived action involving constant pursuit, near captures, and repeated escapes.” the story of my life…smh

Have I ever told that I am a diabetic? No? Well, that might be because I have always felt that was a private issue. I often worry I reveal way too much of myself here but isn’t that the reason why I started blogging in the first place? Let out all of my thoughts, my fears, empty my emotional baggage in an attempt to know peace?  As far back as I can remember I have been overweight. I have allowed myself to self-bully over it since forever ago. I set all of my value on my appearance or the lack of a Hollywood one.

I have been chasing “the perfect Diet” since I was ten years old. Cat and mouse, mouse and cat, who’s chasing who?icebox Who wins? Who loses? Not me. I know better. I know I am loved by everyone in my life, except by ME the one who matters the most in this relationship with the world. All because a long time ago before I learned how to reason like an adult someone crushed my soul by comparing me to someone I wasn’t. “Oh, why can’t you be like…” If I had been the person I am now I would have told that well meaning aunt to PISS OFF. I am not, nor will I ever be, anything more than who I already am. This aunt used to snide remark me all the time because I was “bigger” than my sisters. I still am by almost six whole inches. What this aunt meant was that I was heavier; therefore, I was of less value. “No one wants a fat wife.” “Girls are supposed to be thin and beautiful.” “You don’t need seconds” Seriously? The first time I ever remember throwing up because of eating anxiety was at her house.

My aunt was wrong. I have been married for over twenty years to a man who married me at my heaviest weight. You DON”T have to be THIN to be beautiful!  Lastly, there is nothing wrong with wanting seconds. Know your limits! Nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels!

We are all only young once, at ten years old life should be about being a child.  Instead I started obsessing about food. Why it makes me happy. Why it makes me angry. Why I love sweet vs savory. I was not diabetic in my youth. Like millions of Americans, I have adult onset or Type 2, (IMHO) poor diet in youth can equal Karma with needles later in adulthood. I have been very fortunate with my Type 2 as mine is essentially controlled by maintaining a healthy weight; which is usually accomplished by adopting healthy EATING habits!!! I take a pill every night before bed and for the most part I am doing well. I have used medication for my condition for nearly twenty years. I used to take the max dosage allowable by pill. My next stop would have been needles and all of the business that goes with that lifestyle but I chose to step away from mistreating myself with food and embrace my well-being. I am; however, not prefect and occasionally I forget where I am in the world, what I am trying to accomplish and I go on a bender. Willy Wonka has nothing on me.WonkaThere are always consequences for the choices we make. I chose to make some bad choices while on vacation. I had FUN oooooooooooooooooooooooh but  I made myself sick.  I got caught up in a very serious game of Cat and Mouse. I am getting way too old to keep falling for the same one liners but fall I do and usually very hard.

I want my life to be about other things. I want to write about other things. Vacation was great but now it is time for me to get back in line and return to the rank and file. The rest of my life is waiting in the wings. I have more to accomplish before I can feel like I am where I need to be.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

 

On Not Knowing What To Say

Have you ever found yourself in an awkward place or social event or family gathering when something happens and you find yourself at loss for words? It happens to me more times than I care to tell you but why start hiding things from you now? Sometimes I am awkward in person. Like a small puppy that hasn’t grown into her ears I trip over myself.  Once I say the wrong things, I tend to pile more wrong things on top until my anxiety takes over and I begin to slur my thoughts into an almost unintelligible speech pattern. I feel the heat rush to my face and I wish from the darkest reaches of my soul that the ground would open and cease my suffering.

There is nothing I can say to ever make you feel comfortable in your own skin. I can’t make you feel beautiful even though I may tell you how beautiful you are. I can not make you believe you have value if you don’t know your worth. It is very hard for me to tell people I care for them or have concerns for their well being. I have lost so many people I have loved. It is unfair of me to pin my fear of loss on you. So I stand there not knowing what to say because in truth my heart wants to cry out…NO! no more loss. I don’t want you to go. I want you to be better. There are days to fill with laughter and memories. There are people to love and jokes to tell. If I could ease your pain I would.

Tomorrow and the tomorrow after that are not guaranteed. Live your life. Sing that song. Make an ass out of yourself. Make sure people remember you for the right reasons. When I stumble trying to tell you how or why I feel the way I do, watch my body language. Maybe I am tripping over my own emotions or insecurities while trying to give the appearance of complete control. I want everyone in my life to know peace. I want you to know that you are loved, wanted and appreciated. I want you to know that some days it will rain but in time the sun does shine. If you are a part of my life it is because I WANT you there.

Sometimes I don’t know what to say. That’s why I write. Love the people in your life, they are here for that reason. Tell them how important they are to you. Stop with empty promises Give them something you value; a hug or a smile, a bouquet of flowers or do something unexpected for them.

 

Two WEEKS

I have been employed at the same company for 33 years. In all of that time I have only once before taken two weeks of vacation together. Once in the honeymoon stage of my employment before year seven and then this vacation. All I can say is WOW! Hubby and I have always resisted doing a two week stint because it is so tough mentally to get back into the swing of the early morning rise again and the bust your hump (him, not me) of a physically demanding the job. We both work for the same company, and yes, that is how we met = ) .

Have you ever had a vacation filled with UNPLANS? An unplan is pretty self explanatory. I can honestly tell you that not having any premade plans to go anywhere or do anything drives me to distraction but this year I embraced the unplan. This past year has been a time of transition for me. I have been struggling emotionally about life without my Dad. My hubby lost a favorite auntie and I a cousin, one of the cool kids. All unplans. All things I didn’t plan for or expect. Why is it when someone you love dies you feel like you are treading the outer rim of a whirlpool? Gaining speed as you spin around and around not really going anywhere but desperately trying not to get sucked into the center! whirlpool

On this vacation I finally let go of the panic. I am made of stronger things. After one more go around I found the safest spot at which to exit and now I am happy to report I am back on course. It is not our loved ones who have died that suffer the loss; it is the ones who are left behind on the shores of uncertainty that have to figure out how to be happy again, live their own lives, be the person they are meant to be. I learned so much from my parents about the kind of person I want to be, that I AM!  My Dad taught me never to give up, to never back down from a challenge, and never settle for anything done poorly. He taught how to drive, to laugh, to whistle and sing. He taught me how to love with my soul wide open. My Mom taught me patience, kindness, poetry. She taught me that not every soul is beautiful but if you look hard enough there is beauty. Orphaned as a child all she ever wanted was to be loved. I wish she knew how much she WAS LOVED but sometimes no matter how much you try to convey to someone special that they are indeed loved the more unworthy they feel.

I enjoyed this vacation. I went on a crazy adventure with my BFF. I spent so many days away from the kitchen that right about now a meal made with love is all that I am craving. I stepped away from my WWs program. I am totally Okay with that =  ) if you want perfect you have stopped at the wrong address. Life is in the living! I enjoyed spending quiet, unrushed time with my hubster. I even made him go on an adventure!  All these years and we still like each other! Love is a amazing isn’t it? ❤

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We have already decided that next year will are going to take two consecutive weeks off again. The peace was worth it.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

More or Less?

Will you love me less if there is MORE of me? I just turned 53,four days ago. My birthday, as usual, became bigger than itself. It was a fine morning. The sun was out, the humidity low and the temperatures perfect for whatever might come around the corner. I am terrible about making plans that have any value or consistency to them. Might have a plan is probably a better term for what I have rolling around in my head about anything I “MIGHT” want to do or any place I “MIGHT” want to go. This birthday I was out of bed fairly early. I was up and moving around the house perfectly happy. I know, right? who is this chick? but it is true. Hubby and I had not made any solid plans but we were going to hit the bookstore, grab some lunch, maybe go for a drive.

We were just finishing up our morning chores when the lights went out. At first I thought hubby had just turned off the TV in a preemptive strike so we wouldn’t leave it on when we walked out of the house to start our day. I called out to him from our second bathroom,” Honey? did you just shut off the TV?”
I was listening to the news as I was cleaning the cat’s litter pan. A truly thankless disgusting job but I love my cat so…

“No. I think the lights went out!” He yelled back.

“Wait, what? I can’t hear you!” I walk out of the bathroom around the corner to his office. “You know, I think the lights went out!” It is 10:38 am.

He looks at me like someone just struck a match in a dimly lit hallway, ” Yes, Trish, brilliant.”

“Well, I thought maybe you were just being a butthead because I wasn’t ready to leave yet. I guess not, sorry.” Another look. One I don’t need to explain here. Let’s just say I got the drift he was annoyed. He never calls me names. My bad.

He looked up our electric company’s customer service number on his cell. “Call these jerks and let them know there is a power outage.”
We all know how customer service work. NO HUMAN ever interacts with you. This factor alone is enough to drive people crazy. All people really want is the knowledge that someone has heard them. Listen to me, hear what I say.
An automated response came over my cell. “There is a power outage in your area of a undetermined cause. Crews have been dispatched to your area. Service should be restored around 11:30 am, sorry for any inconvenience this may cause you.”

Now do you believe that MY BIRTHDAY is pursuing a vendetta against me? Hubby and I survived. We had no lights until after 7 pm. No cable or internet until almost 11 pm. A few houses down on the same side of the street from our little abode an Oak tree decide it had nothing left to live for and fell over intact. There was no loud cracking. There was no active storm or high winds. The tree simply came up, root system pulled neatly out of the ground as if the Gods on high were pulling carrots from their vegetable gardens for a snack. Maybe the Gypsy Moth caterpillars did it. Those little buggers have been plentiful the last few weeks. They love OAK trees, well, at least their leaves.

As anyone can imagine there were service trucks up and down our street working feverishly to restore our “lifestyle”. Hubby and I had no choice but to spend most of the day out and about doing chores and eating lunch and supper away from home. So of course, I used this as my ULTIMATE EXCUSE to allow myself to wallow in my anger and make poor food choices on purpose, which brings me to my point; would you love me less if there were MORE of me? We all know the answer. No one who truly loves you cares if you are a tiny slip of a thing or someone with curves = ). I am loved. My hubby loves me. All of me. He always has. He still does. It is me that has the problem with self. He has always been more concerned that I am well, that my health is okay.

I go to WWs for me. I also go for him because he loves me. I know that I am a much better, happier person when I go. When I take ownership of my food addiction life is just better. The journey moves forward. Someday I hope I am wise enough to stay on the right path for my better well being everyday. This is the story of my life. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant TO BE.

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I LOVE US Still  = )