Sunday Morning

Do you know what soul shine is? I like to think of it as something that makes a person so happy that from a distance it appears that they have a glow about them. It may be noticed in the way their step seems lighter or the smile they can’t unwear or the warm glow of happy that seems to emanate from their being. In everyday life we don’t get to witness it much. If you were lucky enough to have a ticket to last night’s season opener of the Worcester Railers Hockey you couldn’t escape the buzz of it.

I haven’t seen some of these good people for over a year. It was nice to catch up, to be in their presence. I had forgotten how much they are a treasure to me. Hockey brings more to Worcester than a sports team, it reunites the community in a way other things can’t. I was surrounded by excitement. School groups, old friends, new friends, co-workers and complete strangers all gathering to bring life back to this city we call home.

I feel like something that was lost has been restored. I am happy for my friends. I am happy for my husband. We haven’t had a lot to be smiley about lately. It was nice to see him settle back into his beloved element. hockey

He enjoyed every moment :  the sound of pucks as they slammed into the boards, the roar of the Zamboni as it prepped the ice, the chatter of excited hockey fans eager for the game to begin.

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Once Upon a Time…

…in a place that is unfamiliar to most but home to others there lived a girl who wanted things. I was born into a family of five. Being third in line, I often found myself smack dab in the middle of “No Man’s Land”. A mythical place where whatever you do goes unnoticed and unappreciated because you weren’t first on the scene or the last one to arrive. I grew up feeling like a TV listing for Wednesday night viewing. Family shows with no real excitement or sex appeal. Meh!

This past week was not stellar for me. I haven’t had to deal with this much stress, uncertainty and anger since my Pops passed away. I guess it might have been time for Karma to shake her ugly stick at me as a way to remind me who exactly is the boss here.

I have been a wanter my whole life. I wanted to be loved; I am! I wanted to be noticed. Do you see me? I wanted to be famous. the jury is still out on this one. I wanted to be a person that others looked up to. I want happiness. = ) I want. I want. I want; but why? I am indeed loved. I am happy even when I fight myself about how happy I am supposed to be (as if happy comes with a formulary!) Does getting everything you want open the path to peace? or have I struggled this long because I have been too foolish to realize I have everything I have ever needed the entire time?

Knowing when to return to my true self has always been the toughest road for me to travel. I have many miles to go before I sleep. There are things left to do. I am leaving behind all the bad mojo that flooded over me after last week’s event. Bad shit happens to good people all the time. It’s what you do with the aftermath that determines where your path will lead.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be

ease on down the road

 

Girl Interrupted…

No, I don’t mean the book or the movie. I mean me; I got your attention didn’t I? The will to succeed needs to be stronger than the desire to give in. No more lamenting about the stray path I have been on. No more brow beating like Camille in a play. No more bullshit. My house, my refuge, my safe place where I am allowed to be; was broken into on Friday. I shouldn’t say my, my, my; but, it is the one place on earth I feel  felt safe. = (  My false sense of security has been violated and I am pissed about that.

Hubby and I had the day off from work and spent a lazy morning around our place. Around noon we decided that prescriptions needed to be picked up and errands needed to be run so we prepped for the afternoon and stepped out. When we returned to our house hubster made his way to the bathroom, as is his usual, he called me into the bedroom.” Did you leave the light on?” Our bathroom is across the hall from our bedroom.

“No, why?” and that’s when he noticed that our closet doors were open.

“I think we have been robbed. Call 911!” so I did.

Funny how a great day can turn bad so FAST. Let me just say for the record unless there is an injury or a death, your call, even though it was placed through 911, will be treated as something minor. They don’t want you to touch anything as it could ruin evidence, that they might take, if you are lucky. Priorities people! I placed a call at 2:15 pm and no one from law enforcement showed until way after 6 pm. My house was a wreck. My cat was entrenched under our bed. Over four hours, I am sure I touched stuff. In the end they only things that got taken were just that,things. My hubby and I are Okay. Our cat, Asshole, now has bigger trust issues, just wonderful! The contents of several rooms had been sifted through. The poor fuck up who crawled through our addition cut themselves and left blood in my kitchen and my office.

And for what? some pocket change.

Lessons learned. The locks have been dealt with. Security system in place. The world is a sad place. I refuse to be less than what I am. What did I get to take away from this experience? I will not go quietly. To whomever rummaged through my underwear drawer I hope the sight of my granny panties haunts you the rest of your days. What was seen can not be unseen. Sweet dreams LOSER! it burns

 

The Comfort Zone…

…and I how I escaped. On this crazy journey to the best version of myself I wandered a little from my path and entered  the comfort zone. That false plateau with the fluffy comfortable furniture and tasty snacks where nothing EVER seems to happen.padded cell Last year during this same stretch of September my beloved Pops passed away. I have struggled to stay on my path since. I will not give up. I absolutely refuse to go back to where I once was.

While dearest hubster and I enjoyed vacation earlier this month, I took the time to throw myself out of the comfortable place. I have been lounging in there for too long. It’s been a great party, Pity, but really you must be going now. Do you think I’ll ever learn? not to give into my darker side? I hope someday I will be stronger.

I am proud of myself; I am into my second completed week of going to the gym! {Enthusiastic cheer} and this morning I went with a friend to my very first Tai Chi class. I loved it! Thank you Christine = ) I left there feeling calmer, relaxed and refreshed. After class we took time to get in a two mile walk. Stress is an everyday life occurrence for people in all walks of life. Some days I handle it well, others not so much. For most of this week I was not in a good head space. I miss my Pops. It seems surreal to me that he has been gone for a year; I have struggled with a depression brought on by his passing and the void it left in my life.

I didn’t have things going on in my life to fill the space where he once was. I have spent most of the past year maintaining the weight I am currently enjoying. VICTORY! VICTORY! If you know me you have an idea how HUGE that is. My usual operating parameter is to go full on eat until my soul is numb and broken. I am just not interested in punishing myself anymore for feeling sad. I lost a wonderful human being. There will always be a void but it has gotten smaller because the sadness is slowly changing into peace and acceptance of the situation. I am different. I have changed. I want to be in my life even when it is ugly and uncomfortable.

It is time I return to myself and the things I find joy in. Wherever I go I take myself along. It’s time to put my grief in my pocket and test the world again.  I am most happy when I am honest about my feelings. I am most successful when I give myself permission to fail. I learn the most by never giving up.

Realize, real lives

Funny how those words sound so similar. I went back to myself this week. Me, the Trish that I am, that I am happiest being. I made it to my water aerobics class three times this week just like I promised myself I would. Yes! Go Me!!!! I laughed more. I listened to the tiny voice of HOPE I carry around in my head. It was just where I had left her waiting; until I needed her again. hope

I AM…most at peace with myself when I am true to myself. I am happily married. I am a power in my own right. I am worth my journey. I realized that I have a real life. I am loved. I am needed. I am EVERYTHING I never thought I would be. I AM…

Walking side by side today with my love, I finally realized that what we have is the realest thing I have ever allowed myself to be a part of.  We lost sight of each other through a field of strangers at the BIG E today. I felt myself get a little panicky. I told myself all would be ok. The look of concern that registered across his face when I located him; how it melted away just by his seeing me, told me a thousand tales. Why wasn’t I willing to recognize the depth of his love before that moment escapes me. Maybe I didn’t want to believe someone could love me madly, truly, deeply. Guess I am the lucky one. Love is indeed a wonderful gift that keeps on giving.

 

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  ❤

 

 

Don’t hold back, love the people in your life!

 

You Are My Obsession…

I sit here at my laptop week after week. I spill my heart out all over the place. I never tell anyone the whole truth just the parts I think you might want to look at. How do I always find myself back at the one place I loathe? I am filled with dread. I have to learn to stop being my favorite subject. I am obsessed with myself and what is wrong? with me. Look at me. Let’s talk about me. I am sad. I am angry, I am…, I am…

REALITY CHECK blogging can be very one-sided; sometimes the truth is that I don’t want to talk about me.

Enough!

It is time for me to do other things with my free time. Something constructive instead of destructive. I went back to the YWCA. I purchased a membership for a 13 week run. Today I went to the gym to get a schedule and register. I walked around the place to see what has changed. More than a few years ago (2008) I joined the Y and went to aqua aerobic classes with Mrs. Cooper. She was a great friend to me. I got a little teary eyed today in the locker room remembering how much we laughed, how much fun we had. She was a sweet soul. I really miss her. She changed my life in so many ways. She helped me to believe in myself.You don’t need to be aware that your kindness changes another human being for the better; just be happy in the knowledge that you can make a difference just by being YOU.

I left the Y feeling like I am now going in the right direction. I need to get back to taking better care of myself. I did not try this Summer to be an honest WW. I allowed myself to bend the rules. I stopped doing everything that helps me to be successful. I am ready now for the next leg of my life journey. I got this!

I would also like to clarify something for my fellow WWs. Never be embarrassed about weight that you have “reclaimed”. Everyday you are given is a chance to learn something new and wonderful about yourself. Learn to forgive yourself. You can give up or you can get up. It is your choice and your choice alone. Some days I don’t want to adult either but eventually I return to myself, my dreams, my hopes for a better day because I AM WORTH it.

Never Give Up ON The Person You Are Meant To BE! See you at the pool!

F

As in what the F, as in there are so many wonderful words and thoughts that start with F. Lately I have been feeling F’d up. I am not liking it too much. Sometimes I let my world get to me. My job, my marriage, my friends, my WWs program…suffer. I am what is “OFF” in each of these situations. I let my emotional baggage get in the way of a great time. I start doubting myself. I start questioning my values and then like little tin soldiers all of the areas of my life line up for me to knock down or find fault with.

I stopped paying attention. I stopped caring. I stopped wanting! I allowed myself to bend the rules {just this once I promise ; )} and well, we all know what happens when you walk away from a path without a map. You get LOST! I just want to know peace. I want to accept that the life I lead, is the life that I lead. I am enough. I am loved. I am wanted. I have friends. I know joy. I know I am needed. I know I am capable of being so much more if only I would allow myself to let go of the anger, hurt and disappointment I keep in the quiet recesses of my soul for when I am feeling vulnerable and afraid.

SO…I did a crazy thing yesterday, I bought a groupon to my local gym. I missed my WW meeting on Saturday so I could skip off to Gloucester, MA to do touristy things. I had a grand time with excellent company but let’s face it I need to climb back on this teeter-totter life of mine and drag myself kicking and screaming to my goal. There is no more TRY there is only DO. I am worth this journey. No one gets to the finish line of life without scars. I plan on (my life story) telling an amazing tale of how girl lost became woman found.

Stay tuned, watch for the changes, hang on! This ride sometimes gets bumpy and comes with unexpected curves. Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be, I’m not = )

Exercising should be interesting. Check back here for the injured reserve list and other interesting sports injuries I am sure will pop up. Tune in next week when I begin questioning my…